I have recently been thinking about the word deserve so I looked up the real meaning.
Deserve 1. to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation: to deserve exile; to deserve charity; a theory that deserves consideration.
Over the past months I have used this word over and over, whether it be in conversation, with my kiddos, or in my prayers. "I'm not sure what I have done to deserve this." "J,S,M I am sorry this has happened to you, you 3 so don't deserve this.""God, whatever it is that I have done to deserve this, I ask your forgiveness, I ask that you make it known to me so that I may come to you and fix it." The list could go on and on.
I was having a conversation the other day with someone that has endured a fair share of heartache and hurt and we talked about how we are leery when someone says, "you have been through so much, you deserve so much more"(fill in the blank...happiness, a break, blessings) Do I deserve more? I am not sure. I love the verse in the last chapter of Job. The LORD blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. Job 42:12 It does remind me that if I am faithful and obedient then there will be blessings in store for me. I have heard time and time again that I will be blessed for what I have endured, as well as my children. Will those blessings be here on earth, or will they be waiting on me in my real Home? I can't answer that either. As I have just turned 42, I am watching the 2nd half of my life unfold before me. I was blessed beyond measure the first half, do I deserve more during the 2nd half?? I'm not sure. I do know that what I have lived through, whether deserving or not, even the ugliness of it all, are all blessings wrapped up just for me. Had I not endured the pain and suffering over these past months I would have never experienced my Father in the way I have. I have to say that God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, deserve so much more from me. My God, the one that knows infinitely what I deserve, deserves so much more from me, in the way of praise, thanksgiving and service. He is awesome and deserving of so much more than I am sometimes willing to give. I am thankful that I deserve His comfort, peace, love, patience, understanding, forgiveness, (I can say deserve in this sentence because I referred back to the definition to where it says to make claim to) I claim all of those, so yes I AM deserving. I am thankful for whatever He thinks I am deserving of--good or bad. Because He knows me and knows what I deserve. Thank you Father for loving me, for constantly carrying me day by day, for knowing what I do deserve here on earth and what lies in store for me in Heaven. Thank you for loving me even on the days I feel I didn't deserve any of this. Thank you for knowing what my 3 are deserving of and constantly loving them. Thank you for so many things happening in my life that I see as blessings (big and small). You are worthy of ALL my praise, in Your Great Name...Amen.
Grief will be my friend until one day someone grieves for me-~DeAnn
Good Grief
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Expectations
The other morning as I was reading my morning devotional by Papa Stanley (found this devotional at Dollar General in PCB of all places) I loved the title of the mornings devotional...Expect the Unexpected. After I read that title I thought that was something to contemplate on. I never expected Shane to get cancer, I certainly never expected him to pass away from it, and I really didn't expect for him to fight for such a short time. I never expected to be a single mom of 3 babies and never expected to have to face what I continue to face due to Shane's passing. I never expected to be sitting here on my 42nd birthday blogging about expectations (Happy B'day to Me), or feeling somewhat melancholy that Shane will not celebrate with me another year turning older. I also never expected to feel a little liberated knowing that I have made it thus far, but only by the hand of God and by my family and friends love and support. I am always surprised at the way I expect people to be or act and how my expectations are either way off or right on. Expectations can sometimes be a dangerous thing, especially when you put way too much expectations in people, money, power, things. I have found from experience that if you expect too much from someone or something that you will constantly be let down and disappointed. I find myself, constantly shaking my head at people for either how they act, what they say, or what they are doing. Yes, I guess you could say I am judging people, and yes I confess, I find myself doing that often. People never cease to amaze me in a not-so-good kind of amazement.
I was talking to a friend the other day about people and their worldly worries, complaints and gripes and antics, before I thought I responded, "sounds to me that if they had someone they love be diagnosed with cancer they wouldn't be griping and complaining about stupid stuff, they may have too much time on their hands." Guessing you didn't expect that?? I know, awful thing to say, but dang it, its the truth. See, you had expectations that I would never say such an awful thing, but I did. No, I am not wishing cancer on anyone, its just sometimes cancer, or hard times, or when things are not going as expected you get a new perspective on things. "Things" pale in comparison with cancer, the possibility of death, loss of a job, marriage, etc. I guess I am saying that people need to wake up, know that things can change in an instant very unexpectedly, and worlds can crumble and expectations need to be placed on the One that matters. Yes, I find myself looking at peoples very good lives, knowing they, like me a few years ago, had expectations of what life was to hold for my family and I and how the unexpected happened and how easily it could happen to them. I hate thinking that, but, there, I said it. I find myself expecting the best of people and getting the worst.
But. There. Is. HOPE. I have been thinking that my expectations in people should be transferred to my Heavenly Father. My expectations in Him always amaze me, but only in a good way. But what really amazes me is the unexpected gifts that I receive from Him. He Never. Ceases. To. Amaze. Me. The thing about God is when He does something unexpected He does it in the most subtle of ways, no pomp or circumstance. Papa Stanley said it best when he wrote..."If we have seen the miraculous workings of God in some extraordinary providential deliverance, I am sure the thing that has impressed us most has been the quietness with which it was done, the absence of everything spectacular and sensational, and the utter sense of nothingness that came to us as we stood in the presence of this mighty God and felt how easy it was for Him to do it all without the faintest effort on His part or the slightest help on ours." Takes my breath away every time I read that. Brings me back to the early morning of April 3, 2010. God showed up, and showed out without any help from Shane, me or anyone else. There was no pomp or circumstance, nor was it needed and what I witnessed was no effort to Him. This is God, the One that controls the sun, moon, stars, births, breaths, and deaths. I didn't know what to expect knowing Shane's time on earth was almost over. I didn't know what to expect to feel. We had discussed it many many times. I can tell you that even 15 months later I am still blown away at the memory of what I experienced that night with my Heavenly Father. I never expected to find joy in the death of my husband and my children's father, I never expected to find peace in his passing. Yes, I am still saddened at him not being here and constantly find myself going back and forth with all these feelings of good and bad, but overall I find peace. I also never expected for God to sustain, comfort and love me the way He has during the past months. I have felt His love like never before. I never expected for God to show His Glory to me in this way, but I am thankful for the unexpected. I have decided that expectations should not be wasted on people or things of this earth but to place them all in God. The One that I know will never let me down. I have learned many lessons & things about God during this season in my life, and one of my favorite things I have learned is-- to expect the unexpected from Him.
I was talking to a friend the other day about people and their worldly worries, complaints and gripes and antics, before I thought I responded, "sounds to me that if they had someone they love be diagnosed with cancer they wouldn't be griping and complaining about stupid stuff, they may have too much time on their hands." Guessing you didn't expect that?? I know, awful thing to say, but dang it, its the truth. See, you had expectations that I would never say such an awful thing, but I did. No, I am not wishing cancer on anyone, its just sometimes cancer, or hard times, or when things are not going as expected you get a new perspective on things. "Things" pale in comparison with cancer, the possibility of death, loss of a job, marriage, etc. I guess I am saying that people need to wake up, know that things can change in an instant very unexpectedly, and worlds can crumble and expectations need to be placed on the One that matters. Yes, I find myself looking at peoples very good lives, knowing they, like me a few years ago, had expectations of what life was to hold for my family and I and how the unexpected happened and how easily it could happen to them. I hate thinking that, but, there, I said it. I find myself expecting the best of people and getting the worst.
But. There. Is. HOPE. I have been thinking that my expectations in people should be transferred to my Heavenly Father. My expectations in Him always amaze me, but only in a good way. But what really amazes me is the unexpected gifts that I receive from Him. He Never. Ceases. To. Amaze. Me. The thing about God is when He does something unexpected He does it in the most subtle of ways, no pomp or circumstance. Papa Stanley said it best when he wrote..."If we have seen the miraculous workings of God in some extraordinary providential deliverance, I am sure the thing that has impressed us most has been the quietness with which it was done, the absence of everything spectacular and sensational, and the utter sense of nothingness that came to us as we stood in the presence of this mighty God and felt how easy it was for Him to do it all without the faintest effort on His part or the slightest help on ours." Takes my breath away every time I read that. Brings me back to the early morning of April 3, 2010. God showed up, and showed out without any help from Shane, me or anyone else. There was no pomp or circumstance, nor was it needed and what I witnessed was no effort to Him. This is God, the One that controls the sun, moon, stars, births, breaths, and deaths. I didn't know what to expect knowing Shane's time on earth was almost over. I didn't know what to expect to feel. We had discussed it many many times. I can tell you that even 15 months later I am still blown away at the memory of what I experienced that night with my Heavenly Father. I never expected to find joy in the death of my husband and my children's father, I never expected to find peace in his passing. Yes, I am still saddened at him not being here and constantly find myself going back and forth with all these feelings of good and bad, but overall I find peace. I also never expected for God to sustain, comfort and love me the way He has during the past months. I have felt His love like never before. I never expected for God to show His Glory to me in this way, but I am thankful for the unexpected. I have decided that expectations should not be wasted on people or things of this earth but to place them all in God. The One that I know will never let me down. I have learned many lessons & things about God during this season in my life, and one of my favorite things I have learned is-- to expect the unexpected from Him.
Monday, June 6, 2011
The Call
I was just reading a gentleman's blog the other day titled "How to Lose your Blog following" and well, I think I have done everything right on how to lose the small following that I had. The best way is to not blog regularly. I could give a ton of excuses of why I haven't blogged-kids, school, kids, kids, but its not just that. Just haven't had lots to blog about. I have felt since I started blogging that this, was in a way, a journal for me and my kids. I am well aware of the fact that they may never want to rehash the feelings that we felt this past year with the passing of Shane but its here, nevertheless. Also, I have had so many people tell me that, no, they don't comment, but that they continually find inspiration from what I write. So for those that find a little inspiration I will try and do better with putting my thoughts into blogging.
Seems like I have wrote about this once before about the feeling of discontent and well, I have that feeling again. Call it summertime, schedule is off, kids are crazy wild, still getting use to the change of being a single mom (not my choice,) and just the ugliness of the world right now. Seems every time I turn around someone is getting some kind of bad news of some kind. I guess the biggest feeling of discontent comes from the feeling that I still don't know what I am suppose to do with what I have been given. I am still bound and determined to not waste Shane's cancer and homegoing. He made it clear that it was not to be wasted. However, the discontentment seems to hinder me. I will have my mind set to do this, and think, ' no its too soon, or no you're not ready.' Then I think, 'well I am going back to my old mindset of I am in control and I will do what I think is right,' instead of the Christian mindset of waiting to see what my Father wants for me.
All this brings me to the title of this blog...The call. No, no, I don't feel like I have been "called" into the ministry- that was Shane's, however I picked up my Papa Stanley(referred to for remaining post as *PS) devotional tonight and that is what it is on, the call. I will try to write this out to where it doesn't sound like mumbo jumbo so bare with me, cause there is alot going on in my heart and mind that needs to come out. Yes, I was saved at an early age, or not so early, age of 10ish. Never forget it, I was a little shy so I didn't ask anyone to pray the sinners prayer with me but remember it like it was yesterday. I was in my Sunday School class with my Sunday school teacher, Mrs. McCullough (still think the woman has wings and don't think she will ever know what she did for this pre-teen.) I remember it was summertime and the metal chairs were cool, at the end of class we prayed and I remember asking my Savior to come into my heart at that moment. No, I didn't feel a miraculous change right then, nor did I go on to live a sinless life. However, I did keep my eye on Jesus and tried to live a good life. Unfortunately, getting older, teens, 20's and even in to my 30's I see now where I had my life planned according to DeAnn's plans and God was just a part of it. He wasn't the main part, part of the part, but just part. I went through the ebbs and flows of the Christian life as most of us do. Tragic. *PS explains that the first call we get is Called to Salvation-when He reaches out to establish a relationship with us. Thank God I heard that call loud and clear in a cement walled Sunday School room. He reached out and I heard it and took it. Can't say I really did anything with right then, but Hallelujah I got that call.
Which leads me to the next call that Papa explains as the Call of Sanctification-big word with bigger meaning. *PS explains that sanctification = holiness. He states that, "it sets us apart for His purpose." He explains that this begins at the moment of Salvation and continues until our physical death, it does require a commitment from us. Even though it began at the moment I prayed that prayer I don't think I actually "got" sanctified until I committed to His way a few years ago. Oh how I have questioned His sanctification and how I have assuredly felt "set apart for His purpose." No, still don't like it most days but know that my, now verse for life is a promise.... "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Jeremiah 29:11 (just received a shirt with this verse today from a sweet friend.) *PS stated that sanctification is not a perfect life but one that is bent on righteousness and obedience. I can say a loud AMEN to that...not a perfect life, but pray that I will be obedient.
Lastly, *PS ends with the last calling...Called to Service. I think I am seeing the bigger picture and see where some of my discontent is coming from. While I know that sanctification is an ongoing process and part of Christian growth, I can honestly say I know firsthand what being sanctified means in the Christian walk. I think now I am somewhere knowing what that is and I am now hearing that call to serve loud and clear. Problem is, I don't know what that looks like or feels like. Honestly, I am so much a Mary that I truly long to just sit at Jesus' feet and soak it all up, I have never really had that servants heart mentality like Martha...my sister Trace received my dose and a few others I think. I would rather let someone else do the serving while I am enjoying seeing what He is doing, searching for rainbows, if you will. I am not saying being a Mary is a bad thing, I think I am just starting to see how important Martha's are too. I always thought Martha's were just too busy to really see Jesus. There has got to be a balance somewhere. It is my goal to find that balance. I want to serve in a way that will bring Honor and Glory to the One who so deserves it. I truly feel blessed to be in this place of discontentment and glad that it is because of a walk with Christ. So thankful that I have decided that its not DeAnn's world and God is just a part of it, instead He is my world. Praising Him for calling me many years ago, thankful that I finally know what the word sanctification really means and thankful that I now know I have to get off my "Mary" fannie, cause I just received the call to serve, even though I don't know what or how, but I got the call and I don't think there is a decline button for this one. However, the HOLD button may be used until I know exactly what I am to do for HIM. As my favorite journal is called....Jesus is calling, are you answering???
Seems like I have wrote about this once before about the feeling of discontent and well, I have that feeling again. Call it summertime, schedule is off, kids are crazy wild, still getting use to the change of being a single mom (not my choice,) and just the ugliness of the world right now. Seems every time I turn around someone is getting some kind of bad news of some kind. I guess the biggest feeling of discontent comes from the feeling that I still don't know what I am suppose to do with what I have been given. I am still bound and determined to not waste Shane's cancer and homegoing. He made it clear that it was not to be wasted. However, the discontentment seems to hinder me. I will have my mind set to do this, and think, ' no its too soon, or no you're not ready.' Then I think, 'well I am going back to my old mindset of I am in control and I will do what I think is right,' instead of the Christian mindset of waiting to see what my Father wants for me.
All this brings me to the title of this blog...The call. No, no, I don't feel like I have been "called" into the ministry- that was Shane's, however I picked up my Papa Stanley(referred to for remaining post as *PS) devotional tonight and that is what it is on, the call. I will try to write this out to where it doesn't sound like mumbo jumbo so bare with me, cause there is alot going on in my heart and mind that needs to come out. Yes, I was saved at an early age, or not so early, age of 10ish. Never forget it, I was a little shy so I didn't ask anyone to pray the sinners prayer with me but remember it like it was yesterday. I was in my Sunday School class with my Sunday school teacher, Mrs. McCullough (still think the woman has wings and don't think she will ever know what she did for this pre-teen.) I remember it was summertime and the metal chairs were cool, at the end of class we prayed and I remember asking my Savior to come into my heart at that moment. No, I didn't feel a miraculous change right then, nor did I go on to live a sinless life. However, I did keep my eye on Jesus and tried to live a good life. Unfortunately, getting older, teens, 20's and even in to my 30's I see now where I had my life planned according to DeAnn's plans and God was just a part of it. He wasn't the main part, part of the part, but just part. I went through the ebbs and flows of the Christian life as most of us do. Tragic. *PS explains that the first call we get is Called to Salvation-when He reaches out to establish a relationship with us. Thank God I heard that call loud and clear in a cement walled Sunday School room. He reached out and I heard it and took it. Can't say I really did anything with right then, but Hallelujah I got that call.
Which leads me to the next call that Papa explains as the Call of Sanctification-big word with bigger meaning. *PS explains that sanctification = holiness. He states that, "it sets us apart for His purpose." He explains that this begins at the moment of Salvation and continues until our physical death, it does require a commitment from us. Even though it began at the moment I prayed that prayer I don't think I actually "got" sanctified until I committed to His way a few years ago. Oh how I have questioned His sanctification and how I have assuredly felt "set apart for His purpose." No, still don't like it most days but know that my, now verse for life is a promise.... "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Jeremiah 29:11 (just received a shirt with this verse today from a sweet friend.) *PS stated that sanctification is not a perfect life but one that is bent on righteousness and obedience. I can say a loud AMEN to that...not a perfect life, but pray that I will be obedient.
Lastly, *PS ends with the last calling...Called to Service. I think I am seeing the bigger picture and see where some of my discontent is coming from. While I know that sanctification is an ongoing process and part of Christian growth, I can honestly say I know firsthand what being sanctified means in the Christian walk. I think now I am somewhere knowing what that is and I am now hearing that call to serve loud and clear. Problem is, I don't know what that looks like or feels like. Honestly, I am so much a Mary that I truly long to just sit at Jesus' feet and soak it all up, I have never really had that servants heart mentality like Martha...my sister Trace received my dose and a few others I think. I would rather let someone else do the serving while I am enjoying seeing what He is doing, searching for rainbows, if you will. I am not saying being a Mary is a bad thing, I think I am just starting to see how important Martha's are too. I always thought Martha's were just too busy to really see Jesus. There has got to be a balance somewhere. It is my goal to find that balance. I want to serve in a way that will bring Honor and Glory to the One who so deserves it. I truly feel blessed to be in this place of discontentment and glad that it is because of a walk with Christ. So thankful that I have decided that its not DeAnn's world and God is just a part of it, instead He is my world. Praising Him for calling me many years ago, thankful that I finally know what the word sanctification really means and thankful that I now know I have to get off my "Mary" fannie, cause I just received the call to serve, even though I don't know what or how, but I got the call and I don't think there is a decline button for this one. However, the HOLD button may be used until I know exactly what I am to do for HIM. As my favorite journal is called....Jesus is calling, are you answering???
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Puzzle Pieces
Today has been a bit bittersweet. The stress of knowing May 18th(would have been our 15th wedding anniversary) was coming up made me feel yucky along with many other things. Seems to be so much hurt floating all around me, just worldly stuff, divorce, financial issues, job loss, sickness, betrayal, time and energy suckers, just real world life. While I've reflected so many times through the years about May 18, 1996, how perfect it was, magical, happy, everything I had ever dreamed a wedding would ever be with a man I dreamt of all my life. It almost seemed unreal, and life just got better and better. Our marriage was not perfect by far, but we were perfect for each other. We built our life together, God gave us amazing babies, things continued to work out.
Then.
I.
Woke.
Up on April 4, 2010. While the bitterness is sometimes unbearable I so try and focus on the time Shane and I had together. Yep, I still feel cheated for the time that I don't get to spend with Shane, but I truly am so thankful for the time we had, short but wonderful. I will say it again, we had something some search a lifetime for and so thankful I was allowed to experience it.
I usually spend my time with God at night when we all are settled in and kids are quiet. For mother's day I purchased the kid version of my new devotional for the kids. I told them I wouldn't be a mother without them, so happy mother's day to them. I usually read mine then read theirs, I did tonight and for some reason their version spoke to me more than mine. Here is part of
what it said...
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. Is 55:9
"I gave you an amazing mind. With it you can think great thoughts and dream great dreams. But My mind is infinitely bigger and more amazing. My thoughts contain all of creation and the universe, all of the past, present and future. And because I understand all things and all times, My thoughts and My ways are different from yours.
Life can be like a box of puzzle pieces--with the box top missing. When you look around at your life, all you can see are the pieces. But I see the final picture. I know how all the pieces fit together. I know how to join together all the jagged pieces of hurts and disappointments, plus the smooth pieces of victories and joys.
Trust My timing and My ways. Trust Me to fit all your pieces together into a wonderful life. And trust Me-at the end of your life-to lead you home to heaven."--Jesus Calling
After I read it aloud to the kids, Jake in his adult fashion said, "wow mom, that's perfect for you today, being yours and dad's anniversary." I had to agree. Yep, my life to me looks like a bunch of pieces and right now can't imagine the other half being any better than the first. Even though I don't agree with some of the pieces He has given me I think I will continue to trust the One who had it mapped out long before I was conceived. He loves me and He knows what my "puzzle" looks like complete. He knows me so well that He gave me a wonderful reminder when I picked up my Papa Stanley devotion...for May 18, titled-Supreme Love, based on 1 Corinthians 13. This happens to be the scripture read on our wedding day, the scripture Shane based his last sermon on, and the exact scripture that I had placed on our headstone. Coincidence? No way, He loves me like that and He consistently gives me these little reminders.
Thank you dear God for the time I had with Shane, the lessons I continue to learn from him, the 3 blessings I call our children, thank You for assuring me that no matter how hurtful this world is I have the assurance of living eternally without hurt or pain, thank You for allowing me to know what being loved in this world is all about and more importantly allowing me to experience daily, Your Supreme love, because the greatest of these is LOVE. Amen
Then.
I.
Woke.
Up on April 4, 2010. While the bitterness is sometimes unbearable I so try and focus on the time Shane and I had together. Yep, I still feel cheated for the time that I don't get to spend with Shane, but I truly am so thankful for the time we had, short but wonderful. I will say it again, we had something some search a lifetime for and so thankful I was allowed to experience it.
I usually spend my time with God at night when we all are settled in and kids are quiet. For mother's day I purchased the kid version of my new devotional for the kids. I told them I wouldn't be a mother without them, so happy mother's day to them. I usually read mine then read theirs, I did tonight and for some reason their version spoke to me more than mine. Here is part of
what it said...
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. Is 55:9
"I gave you an amazing mind. With it you can think great thoughts and dream great dreams. But My mind is infinitely bigger and more amazing. My thoughts contain all of creation and the universe, all of the past, present and future. And because I understand all things and all times, My thoughts and My ways are different from yours.
Life can be like a box of puzzle pieces--with the box top missing. When you look around at your life, all you can see are the pieces. But I see the final picture. I know how all the pieces fit together. I know how to join together all the jagged pieces of hurts and disappointments, plus the smooth pieces of victories and joys.
Trust My timing and My ways. Trust Me to fit all your pieces together into a wonderful life. And trust Me-at the end of your life-to lead you home to heaven."--Jesus Calling
After I read it aloud to the kids, Jake in his adult fashion said, "wow mom, that's perfect for you today, being yours and dad's anniversary." I had to agree. Yep, my life to me looks like a bunch of pieces and right now can't imagine the other half being any better than the first. Even though I don't agree with some of the pieces He has given me I think I will continue to trust the One who had it mapped out long before I was conceived. He loves me and He knows what my "puzzle" looks like complete. He knows me so well that He gave me a wonderful reminder when I picked up my Papa Stanley devotion...for May 18, titled-Supreme Love, based on 1 Corinthians 13. This happens to be the scripture read on our wedding day, the scripture Shane based his last sermon on, and the exact scripture that I had placed on our headstone. Coincidence? No way, He loves me like that and He consistently gives me these little reminders.
Thank you dear God for the time I had with Shane, the lessons I continue to learn from him, the 3 blessings I call our children, thank You for assuring me that no matter how hurtful this world is I have the assurance of living eternally without hurt or pain, thank You for allowing me to know what being loved in this world is all about and more importantly allowing me to experience daily, Your Supreme love, because the greatest of these is LOVE. Amen
Saturday, May 14, 2011
God is Good---Not just some of the time but--- ALL OF THE TIME
A friend and I were having a conversation the other day and she mentioned that she had been doing some "deep" thinking. She said she gets really tired of recieving emails/updates on people that are going through something and when things are not good they just ask for prayer but when things are good they end the email/update with "God is Good." She said it made her stop and think why some do that. When things are bleak are not so good why don't they end it with "God is Good" instead of just ending good news stories that way. I agreed and said yep, He is good all the time, not just some of the time, or half of the time, but all the time. I told her she needed to reply to the bleak news with God Is Good all of the time and maybe they would get the hint. I have since reflected on that conversation over and over. I thought about it one day this week when I had heard of a dear friends news of her cancer recurring after 4 years. Even though I was highly ticked at God ( I think He is use to me getting mad at Him now, but He is bigger than me so He most assuredly can take it), I thought of it when I heard of another young lady "winning" her battle of cancer and how her kids now have lost, not 1, but both parents to this stinkin' disease. How, even though, they are college age, they are now orphans. The most recent time I thought about it was on a morning walk this a.m. As most of you know our neighborhood (which has to be the best hood to live in in Rome, awesome neighbors, kids, community) was hit pretty hard by the recent storms. As I was dodging piles of debris in the road and looking at houses having to be rebuilt, our neighborhood clubhouse fence demolished and just the destruction all around, I thought how good He really is even amoung this. In all of the destruction only hearts were broken but no bones, no injuries. As I was rounding the corner of one of the streets, with Shane's praise music coming through my earplugs from his Ipod, a sparrow (amazing I know) almost flew right into me. I had to smile, I love how God is humerous like that. Literally, a sparrow, I know it was a sparrow because of the way his wings looked, when he flew up away from me. I immediately started singing in my head "His eye is on the sparrow, and He watches over me..." (even when MercyMe was ringing in my ears)
It scared him as much as it did me. I'm so thankful that God's Spirit has let me be open to receiving such small reminders of just how good He really is. Even in the midst of heartache, much pain, destruction of tangible things and destruction of hearts and spirits He continues to be the very same God. He is the very same God that miraculously knits babies in their mommies wombs, He is the same God that places rainbows in the sky after storms, and lets the sun rise the day after, the same God that created one of my most favorite things... the ocean, He heals people daily, restores us secondly, loves us unconditionally. Yes, He is the same God that flooded the earth, allows tornadoes to destroy, allows cancer cells to invade bodies, doesn't allow some to have those babies knit in their womb, He allows things that we don't like-BUT- He does this to benefit us, grow us and grow His kingdom. So no matter how bleak or how wonderful things are please please please remember that God is Good and He is Good ALL of the time, not just some of the time, part of the time, a fraction of the time, but ALL the time. Open your eyes and hearts so you can see it.
1 Oh give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; for His lovingkindness is everlasting (Psalms 107:1).
19 How great is Thy goodness, which Thou hast stored up for those who fear Thee, which Thou hast wrought for those who take refuge in Thee, before the sons of men! (Psalms 31:19).
5 Afterward the sons of Israel will return and seek the LORD their God and David their king; and they will come trembling to the LORD and to His goodness in the last days (Hosea 3:5).
ALL THE TIME!!
1 Oh give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; for His lovingkindness is everlasting (Psalms 107:1).
19 How great is Thy goodness, which Thou hast stored up for those who fear Thee, which Thou hast wrought for those who take refuge in Thee, before the sons of men! (Psalms 31:19).
5 Afterward the sons of Israel will return and seek the LORD their God and David their king; and they will come trembling to the LORD and to His goodness in the last days (Hosea 3:5).
ALL THE TIME!!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
The hours after and Day Before
I have always loved Holy Week. Now, after last year, this week has taken on a whole new meaning. The days remembering Jesus' ride into Jerusalem, the day He shared the Passover with his disciples, the night in the Garden of Gethsemane, His beating and finally the crucifixion should make a Christian very uncomfortable. They do me, realizing exactly what He endured for me. For some reason today I woke up with something on my heart that has never occurred to me. I watched a little of Passion of the Christ last night and have been watching my favorite, Jesus of Nazareth. When I woke up this morning I couldn't help but think of those that watched all of this unwind in front of their eyes. I can hardly stand the thought of what if I had been there to watch it all unfold. I watched for the 3rd time in horror how they depicted Jesus brutal abuse and the crucifixion during Passion of the Christ. I can't help but hurt and cry every time I see it. For some reason this year the thoughts of being there watching it is almost unbearable. My thoughts carry me to the hours of the crucifixion watching Jesus cry out, " Eli, Eli, Lama Sabacthani?" "My God, My God, why has Thou forsaken Me?" Knowing full well, that I too, would have been having my doubts, wondering why He couldn't save himself, wondering why He let it get this far, if He was, indeed, the Son of God. Also, thinking He continues to cry out to His Father while being crucified and questioning all of that. Then I think of what I would have felt had I watched Him take His last breath. After witnessing death last year I can honestly say that its something you don't forget, not that Shane's death was anywhere near the brutalness of Jesus. However, seeing someone you love take their last breath is something that is embedded in your mind.
I can only imagine how the Mary's and his followers felt... helpless. I know I did watching Shane. Knowing full well what the outcome was but not being able to do anything to stop or make things better for the one enduring the suffering. I can only imagine, as a mother, the strength Mary had to keep from climbing up on the cross to hold her Son as she watched Him leave her.
Then I think of all of those that had doubted and accused Jesus. I can only imagine how they felt experiencing the veil of the temple being torn from top to bottom and experiencing the earth quake
and watching tombs open, and Saints raised. All the while realizing, that when a common man dies, these things do not happen. I can almost feel their embarrassment and their shame, almost like when you are told something is going to happen and you totally dismiss it. The feeling of wishing you had believed and knowing there is absolutely nothing you can do to change things now. I think of how Mary Magdalene must have felt when she went to tell the disciples what Jesus had told to share with them after seeing Him, how they probably looked at her like she was a little bit crazy. Almost like some of the looks I receive when I tell people the story of Shane's last 10, they want to believe it but its hard too when you were not there. Finally, knowing how His 12 must have felt when He finally appeared to them. Imagine the embarrassment and guilt they must have felt by not believing that everything He had been telling them was true. I can just hear John saying while hitting his hand to his forehead 3 times..."stupid stupid man I am, He told me that this would happen and I sooooo thought He was crazy, even though I watched Him perform so many miracles, raise people from the dead and I still didn't believe Him." I chuckle a little when I think of the men walking to Emmaus (Luke 24: 13), how they must have felt when realizing this man that they were talking and walking with and discussing was Jesus Himself. One of those duhhhhh moments.
All brings me back to present day. Jesus has put it all out there for us all to either believe in Him or deny Him. As I think of all these feelings all of those probably felt watching the crucifixion and the hours after, or should have felt, I think of those that continually deny who He is today. I can not even imagine what those will be feeling when He comes back and some are left behind. Then, it will be too late to hit their head 3 times and say, "Dang, I should have believed and accepted Him when I had the chance. Now I will have eternity in Hell to beat myself up for not believing in Him."
My sister recently sent me an article by Max Lucado and his thoughts on the realness of hell, you can read it here...http://www.maxlucado.com/articles/excerpts/hells_supreme_surprise. She said she thought I would enjoy the end of the article where Lucado compared the death experiences of a believer and a non-believer and how she thought of Shane's final 10. He said that the unbeliever was an atheist and wanted no mention of Jesus even on her deathbed. He mentions how at the end of her life she was heard by her family while barely conscious and talking to someone only she could see, "You don't know me? You don't know me?" she asked. Was she talking to Jesus? Maybe she was wishing she had paid attention to Matthew 7:23 "I never knew you; depart from me." Then I think of Shane and his total belief in Jesus Christ and how he unashamedly proclaimed his love for Him and how, during final 10, saw peace, eagerness and willingness to enter in to Heaven's door. Shane never had to ask, "You don't know me?" when he came face to face with Jesus.
So today, the hours after Good Friday and the hours before Resurrection Sunday, I pray that those that question and deny who HE is, will come to know Him and I pray that I can show someone Who HE is through something I say or do. It will be me who is ashamed and wishing I had done differently if I don't share the Good News that HE LIVES!!!! Praying that all of us that do believe in Him are remembering in what he endured for you on the Cross and will be rejoicing in knowing that HE LIVES, indeed. Hallelujah and Amen!!
I can only imagine how the Mary's and his followers felt... helpless. I know I did watching Shane. Knowing full well what the outcome was but not being able to do anything to stop or make things better for the one enduring the suffering. I can only imagine, as a mother, the strength Mary had to keep from climbing up on the cross to hold her Son as she watched Him leave her.
Then I think of all of those that had doubted and accused Jesus. I can only imagine how they felt experiencing the veil of the temple being torn from top to bottom and experiencing the earth quake
and watching tombs open, and Saints raised. All the while realizing, that when a common man dies, these things do not happen. I can almost feel their embarrassment and their shame, almost like when you are told something is going to happen and you totally dismiss it. The feeling of wishing you had believed and knowing there is absolutely nothing you can do to change things now. I think of how Mary Magdalene must have felt when she went to tell the disciples what Jesus had told to share with them after seeing Him, how they probably looked at her like she was a little bit crazy. Almost like some of the looks I receive when I tell people the story of Shane's last 10, they want to believe it but its hard too when you were not there. Finally, knowing how His 12 must have felt when He finally appeared to them. Imagine the embarrassment and guilt they must have felt by not believing that everything He had been telling them was true. I can just hear John saying while hitting his hand to his forehead 3 times..."stupid stupid man I am, He told me that this would happen and I sooooo thought He was crazy, even though I watched Him perform so many miracles, raise people from the dead and I still didn't believe Him." I chuckle a little when I think of the men walking to Emmaus (Luke 24: 13), how they must have felt when realizing this man that they were talking and walking with and discussing was Jesus Himself. One of those duhhhhh moments.
All brings me back to present day. Jesus has put it all out there for us all to either believe in Him or deny Him. As I think of all these feelings all of those probably felt watching the crucifixion and the hours after, or should have felt, I think of those that continually deny who He is today. I can not even imagine what those will be feeling when He comes back and some are left behind. Then, it will be too late to hit their head 3 times and say, "Dang, I should have believed and accepted Him when I had the chance. Now I will have eternity in Hell to beat myself up for not believing in Him."
My sister recently sent me an article by Max Lucado and his thoughts on the realness of hell, you can read it here...http://www.maxlucado.com/articles/excerpts/hells_supreme_surprise. She said she thought I would enjoy the end of the article where Lucado compared the death experiences of a believer and a non-believer and how she thought of Shane's final 10. He said that the unbeliever was an atheist and wanted no mention of Jesus even on her deathbed. He mentions how at the end of her life she was heard by her family while barely conscious and talking to someone only she could see, "You don't know me? You don't know me?" she asked. Was she talking to Jesus? Maybe she was wishing she had paid attention to Matthew 7:23 "I never knew you; depart from me." Then I think of Shane and his total belief in Jesus Christ and how he unashamedly proclaimed his love for Him and how, during final 10, saw peace, eagerness and willingness to enter in to Heaven's door. Shane never had to ask, "You don't know me?" when he came face to face with Jesus.
So today, the hours after Good Friday and the hours before Resurrection Sunday, I pray that those that question and deny who HE is, will come to know Him and I pray that I can show someone Who HE is through something I say or do. It will be me who is ashamed and wishing I had done differently if I don't share the Good News that HE LIVES!!!! Praying that all of us that do believe in Him are remembering in what he endured for you on the Cross and will be rejoicing in knowing that HE LIVES, indeed. Hallelujah and Amen!!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Lessons Learned & Still Learning
Before I start with my thoughts I will let everyone know that we did make it through the 1 year anniversary of Shane's passing. Again, the days up to the day were worse than the actual day itself. Actually, Sunday, April 3rd was a very GOOD day. The whole weekend actually was. Started it off on Friday night with a girl's night out of sorts, a sweet friend came back in to town and we had dinner, we all pretty much got kicked out of the restaurant. Seems that's what happens when you don't get "out" much. Saturday was spent doing the baseball thing then out to eat with family & friends. We camped out in honor of Shane. Before going to sleep I set my phone to wake me at 2:45. I thought I would wake up, read the scripture that was read for Shane while he entered Heaven. The peace that was over me can only be described as the same peace that covered me this time last year. Not real sure what I thought I would feel at 2:45 a.m. but when I woke up, I was exhausted, I prayed until going back to sleep. I think God knew that if I opened my bible that it may be just too hard to relive what happened exactly 1 year ago. So instead, He let me peacefully sleep. I did however, wake up again at 4 with Shane on my mind. Ironically, I felt joy knowing Shane had been with his Savior for 1 year. Knowing he is as busy there as he was here. I can just imagine how he loves it. Shane's friend that was with us, that happens to be our neighbor, the one that read the scripture for him last year, decided he too, wanted to be up at that time. He chose to sit on his front porch with a cup of coffee and spend a little time in John again. He said it was ironic how our golden rretriever Buddy, barked at 3:00 a.m. just as he did last year at that time. I jokingly said he must have a keen sense of the Holy Spirit seeing how He was here last year and obviously here again, watching over me and giving me restful sleep. Not sure what I thought I would feel waking up on Sunday morning, I did have moments of recollection on what I felt last year, which was hard. Went to church, lunch, then out to Berry for our own kite flying day. When we first got there and was looking at how beautiful the day was Jake said, "I think this day was ordered by daddy." I wholeheartedly agreed. Shane would have loved a Sunday like that. Just relaxing with family and friends at one of his favorite places. We did make it, but I will say like I say often when someone ask how I am..."Still Sux, Kids are good." Even after 1 whole year it still really sux.
Now on to lessons learned. Yesterday, as I was leaving Wal-mart, I saw a man that I have seen before. He stands on the corner of the parking lot with a sign that reads something like...Have Cancer, need work. I read the sign before I ever got to him then had to stop right beside him. I couldn't even look him in the eye. When I drove on I was appalled at myself. Here I was with a car full of groceries with time to spare before picking up Lil' Curl and I drive right by him without even looking at him in the eye. One of those times when your soul gets all stirred up but you still just trudge on through your day. My day went on, picking up kids, baseball games, etc and I didn't give it much more thought. Fast forward to Wednesday morning bible study. Guess what the chapter was on...MERCY. While we discussed the real meaning of mercy and how God continually shows us mercy my mind took me back to yesterday. I dropped the ball on showing that man some mercy. Me, of all people, that has been showered with mercy galore this past year by the Father and by the body of Christ, drove right by an opportunity to show a little mercy to someone. Instead of rolling down my window and asking his name to tell him I would willingly pray for him, I sat and judged him (which I found out today is the contrast of mercy.) I sat and thought all the things most would think...Does he really have cancer? Why don't he just get a job instead of panhandling on the street? Is he just wanting his fix for the week? I brought this up this morning and we discussed it, how I shouldn't condemn myself for it, how to know when the Holy Spirit is urging you on and how to know if its me or the Holy Spirit. With me writing this I know it still bothers me, not really about this particular man but everyday situations. How much more mercy could I be showing to others? One of my favorite lessons that I learned from Shane happened right after he was diagnosed with cancer. I blogged about it you can read it here http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/shanerichardson/journal/15.
A part that I didn't blog about the girl I mentioned wrote about it here for the Redmond Regional Surviving to Share, she actually won the essay contest http://www.romenews-tribune.com/view/full_story/9842929/article-Surviving-to-Share--2010? see Casie Payne. Anyway, it was one of those days that Shane showed so much mercy to complete strangers. When he told me to write a check out to them I was not being as obedient as he was. I was so reluctant thinking about ourselves, thinking about all the bills we were going to have to pay with chemo, meds, doctors and all. He was steadfast and I could tell he wouldn't be talked out of it. I remember how he not only showed them mercy by also truth. Also learned today that one is no good without the other. You can give mercy all day long but without truth its no good. I also remember him praying out lout in the parking lot for this sweet girl. I was amazed at him praying for someone else with the news we had recently received. Casie and her husband will tell you today that they were forever changed by Shane's mercy that day. I encountered so many times Shane showing mercy to others. He got it! He knew that God showered him with mercies new every morning and that he should do the same. Finally, I am getting it too! Not to say that I will be always willing, that's still a work in progress. Hopefully, I can be more like Christ and less like me. I thought about what Jesus would have done yesterday, He would have looked the gentleman right in the eye, gave him a smile, that I can't wait to encounter, and he would have prayed with him on the spot. He wouldn't have cared if he REALLY had cancer, if he was needing a fix, or what someone might think by being seen talking to him. He would have pulled over (or kicked his sandals off) and showed an abundance of mercy. He would have showed no judgment, no self-righteousness, no embarrassment, just mercy. Small word with lots of meaning. I've been looking up some scripture on mercy tonight and Matthew 25:34-45 is fitting. http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2025:%2034-45&version=MSG. WOW!!
Needless to say, I have some work to do. I need to show more mercy as a mom, friend and as a stranger. To close I was just doing my Papa Stanley (aka Charles Stanley) devotion for the night, even though it was on a completely different subject, it still hit home..."We are His body-His eyes, ears, voice, feet, and hands-pointing others to Him." -Charles Stanley. See, when we show a little mercy we flash a big neon arrow to HIM!!
Now on to lessons learned. Yesterday, as I was leaving Wal-mart, I saw a man that I have seen before. He stands on the corner of the parking lot with a sign that reads something like...Have Cancer, need work. I read the sign before I ever got to him then had to stop right beside him. I couldn't even look him in the eye. When I drove on I was appalled at myself. Here I was with a car full of groceries with time to spare before picking up Lil' Curl and I drive right by him without even looking at him in the eye. One of those times when your soul gets all stirred up but you still just trudge on through your day. My day went on, picking up kids, baseball games, etc and I didn't give it much more thought. Fast forward to Wednesday morning bible study. Guess what the chapter was on...MERCY. While we discussed the real meaning of mercy and how God continually shows us mercy my mind took me back to yesterday. I dropped the ball on showing that man some mercy. Me, of all people, that has been showered with mercy galore this past year by the Father and by the body of Christ, drove right by an opportunity to show a little mercy to someone. Instead of rolling down my window and asking his name to tell him I would willingly pray for him, I sat and judged him (which I found out today is the contrast of mercy.) I sat and thought all the things most would think...Does he really have cancer? Why don't he just get a job instead of panhandling on the street? Is he just wanting his fix for the week? I brought this up this morning and we discussed it, how I shouldn't condemn myself for it, how to know when the Holy Spirit is urging you on and how to know if its me or the Holy Spirit. With me writing this I know it still bothers me, not really about this particular man but everyday situations. How much more mercy could I be showing to others? One of my favorite lessons that I learned from Shane happened right after he was diagnosed with cancer. I blogged about it you can read it here http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/shanerichardson/journal/15.
A part that I didn't blog about the girl I mentioned wrote about it here for the Redmond Regional Surviving to Share, she actually won the essay contest http://www.romenews-tribune.com/view/full_story/9842929/article-Surviving-to-Share--2010? see Casie Payne. Anyway, it was one of those days that Shane showed so much mercy to complete strangers. When he told me to write a check out to them I was not being as obedient as he was. I was so reluctant thinking about ourselves, thinking about all the bills we were going to have to pay with chemo, meds, doctors and all. He was steadfast and I could tell he wouldn't be talked out of it. I remember how he not only showed them mercy by also truth. Also learned today that one is no good without the other. You can give mercy all day long but without truth its no good. I also remember him praying out lout in the parking lot for this sweet girl. I was amazed at him praying for someone else with the news we had recently received. Casie and her husband will tell you today that they were forever changed by Shane's mercy that day. I encountered so many times Shane showing mercy to others. He got it! He knew that God showered him with mercies new every morning and that he should do the same. Finally, I am getting it too! Not to say that I will be always willing, that's still a work in progress. Hopefully, I can be more like Christ and less like me. I thought about what Jesus would have done yesterday, He would have looked the gentleman right in the eye, gave him a smile, that I can't wait to encounter, and he would have prayed with him on the spot. He wouldn't have cared if he REALLY had cancer, if he was needing a fix, or what someone might think by being seen talking to him. He would have pulled over (or kicked his sandals off) and showed an abundance of mercy. He would have showed no judgment, no self-righteousness, no embarrassment, just mercy. Small word with lots of meaning. I've been looking up some scripture on mercy tonight and Matthew 25:34-45 is fitting. http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2025:%2034-45&version=MSG. WOW!!
Needless to say, I have some work to do. I need to show more mercy as a mom, friend and as a stranger. To close I was just doing my Papa Stanley (aka Charles Stanley) devotion for the night, even though it was on a completely different subject, it still hit home..."We are His body-His eyes, ears, voice, feet, and hands-pointing others to Him." -Charles Stanley. See, when we show a little mercy we flash a big neon arrow to HIM!!
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