Sweet Molls

Grow in the grace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Get to know Him better.  Give Him glory both now and forever.  Amen." (2 Peter 3:18, NIrV)

It was 4 years ago that one of my 3 sweet blessings was born.  A few months earlier I remember waking up at 3am sneaking into the bathroom and taking a pregnancy test.  As I sat and waited and wondered everything was going through my mind.  As I slowly watched it turn to positive I remember saying to God before waking Shane, "Really?  What in the world? I can hardly handle the 2 I have."  I woke Shane up, carried him to the bathroom and showed him the stick.  He was ecstatic (even at 3am), I was crying for whatever reason.  I was scared of having 3 kids.  Don't get me wrong I had always wanted 3, I feel 3's a charm, seeing how I am a 3rd.  Later we were excited to find out that it was a girl.  Shane was finally going to have a "daddy's girl."  She decided to come early.  We called our doctor friend on a Sunday morning and told him what was transpiring, he told us to head to the hospital.  Got there and things started moving rather quickly.  We did all the necessary things and then Dr. Ray came in and told us he was going to break my water.  He did just that and little Miss Molly didn't like it one bit.  Her heart rate slowed to an alarming rate.  It was a scary situation and Ray told me that we needed to do an emergency C-section.  NOT what I wanted to hear.  I had delivered 2 boys and I was terrified of a c-section.  They wheeled me to the OR and started prepping me.  I remember looking into the light and asking God to please help me, help my baby and please let every thing be ok.  The nurses told Shane to take my earrings out, bless him he was so nervous and so cute in his cap and OR attire.  I could feel his hands shaking and he could barely get my earrings out.  He was with me every step of the way, trying to be encouraging and seeing how much he loved me every time he looked at me. All the sudden the monitor that was attached to Molly started beating a little faster.  Ray asked if I heard that and about the same time I told him I needed to push.  Needless to say, Miss Molly decided she didn't want to come into this world via c-section.  Shane was whispering encouraging words for the 2 short pushes.  She was delivered in the OR.  The significant difference in her delivery and Jake and Sam's was the fact that I was not the first to hold her...her daddy was.  Since we were in the OR and it was cold and she had been in a little distress they took her immediately to the warmer to assess her.  Shane followed over and they handed that sweet little girl to her sweet daddy.  He immediately brought her over and I could tell he was totally in love with her.  Nothing changed.  He adored her, he did the boys, but there was just something different about a daddy and a little girl.   I have so often thought back to that morning when I found out I was pregnant with her and asked God what he was thinking...now I do.  For the past 4 years sweet Molls has been nothing but pure joy.  I almost enrolled her in preschool last year and something told me not to.  I truly think God nudged me to keep her home for she was such a distraction and joy to have her with Shane and I during his sickness.  She would sweetly rub her daddy's back when he was so ill, she would curl up with him on the couch and he would sweetly watch hours on end of Sprout, just to be with her.  She never minded curling up with him on his worst days and never minded sleeping right with him when he was in need of oxygen.  I remember this time last year on days he was too preoccupied to work when we were trying to get a diagnosis he would spend so much time with her when she would sweetly say, "Daddy, can you swing me."  He always obliged because he loved her and wanted to spend time with her.  His fear at the end would be that she would have no memories of him.  God has taken care of that.  He has allowed her sweet mind to remember things that I don't even recall about her daddy.  She remembers him teasing her, holding her and most importantly loving her.  I know God orchestrated her conception, He knew what was ahead and knew I would need her to sweetly remind me about "balance," to sweetly wipe my tears away time and time again, and sweetly tell me, "Momma, everything is going to be alright."  She's been a rock to me even at 3 years old.  So today, on your 4th Birthday I thank God for you, I thank Him for knowing that I would need you when I was scared to have a 3rd child.  I thank Him for the 3 years you had with your daddy.  I thank Him for allowing Shane to know what it was like to have a sweet sweet tiny female voice say, "Hold you daddy and I love you."  I thank God for allowing your Daddy's memory to be so vivid in your little mind.  I am sorry that he will not be with you in the flesh for the rest of your life but know that he is ALWAYS with you and watching over you.  I am sorry that your birthday is marked as the day that daddy found that stinking disease in his lung.  Please know that the date of your birth will always be celebrated and I thank you that we have you to celebrate on October 29th so that we don't have to dwell on this day as a day of bad news.  I love you Molly D, and I thank God for you and know your daddy is so very proud of you.  I always want you to remember how much your daddy loved you.  Happy Birthday Lil' Curl, hope your day and life is blessed beyond measure. 
Love Momma & always in our hearts DaddyO

October

All the leaves are brown, (leaves are brown) and the sky is gray.  I know, I know, I am WAY too young to know any songs by the Mamas and the Papas but I do know this one and that first line pretty much sums up the way I'm feeling right now.  I knew October was going to be a hard month, and that was an understatement.  I'm trying so hard to stay upbeat for Molly's sake.  This is her birthday month so I am trying to focus on the positive instead of all the negative that we experienced last year at this time.  We did make it through her birthday party without Daddy, although, she did break my heart by saying I wish my Daddy could be here.  I reassured her and told her that he was here, even though we couldn't see him or touch him.  I know its hard for her almost 4 year old mind to comprehend I find my 41 year old mind trying to comprehend it too.  Her party was good, thanks to our family and dearest friends helping us celebrate.  It was filled with fun, food and laughter, however, it was missing that infamous laughter and goofiness of her dad.  I'd catch myself several times about to tell him to do something, as I always did at these productions, we call parties.  I would always have to interrupt him and remind him of his daddy duties, of filming the activities or doing this or that.  On these days, I miss his flesh!!  I know his spirit is with us every step of the way but I just want something tangible.  I want him to be able to hold Molly on Friday and tell her "Happy Birthday my 4 year old lil' curl."  I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok.  I want him to be able to help Jake with his math homework, I want him to be able to be at Sam's first competitive race to cheer him on. I want him here to carve the pumpkin as he has for as long as I have known him in his meticulous way. I want him here. I know my sweet Molly feels the same way as does the boys.  I know all the people that love her and were with us on Saturday are awesome, but it doesn't erase the fact that the one man in her life she called daddy was not here.  My heart breaks for her almost  4year old heart.  Knowing she doesn't even know the magnitude of her circumstances.  Just thankful for those that surround us with unwavering love and support.

(this picture doesn't do it justice)

There is a tree across the street from our house that we watch turn from green to orange to vibrant yellow every October.  The day I brought Molly home from the hospital on Halloween 4 years ago my mom took a picture of me and her before we ever walked into the house.  That tree is so brilliantly beautiful in the background.  Its our families way of gaging autumn and the time of year it is.  Last year, on the 29th, I remember looking at that same tree while Shane carved the pumpkin with questions whirling in both of our heads about the news we had just received earlier that day.  I remember thinking that no matter what happens that tree always changes its color no matter what else is going on in the world.  This year I have watched it day by day slowly turn to its beautiful yellow.  I haven't got to enjoy it for very long this year.  It doesn't look like its going to be as vibrant as long this year.  With the wind, rain and storms it has lost most of its leaves.  Actually, it lost most of its leaves just yesterday.  The reason for this story is to compare that very tree to me.   One second alive, and living a great everyday life with my husband and family.  The storm came (cancer), the rain came and the winds blew and now I am stripped.  Stripped of my luster, my vibrancy.  Although I feel everything has been stripped, just like that tree, I know that next spring, it will be the first to bud its green leaves. I also know that just like that tree, I have roots.  I have roots that stabilize me and keep me standing even when the strongest winds blow.  The deepest root is my Father in Heaven and love for Jesus Christ.  The others that surround that root is my family and friends that hold me up when I feel I will break.   I know God has promised me that,  like the tree, I will bloom again.  I am not so sure I will bloom as fast as the tree, for I still have to make it through several seasons.  My women's bible study just went over the analogy of pruning.  Never has the verses in John meant so much to me than right now. "I am the Real Vine and my Father is the Farmer.  He cuts off every branch of me that doesn't bear grapes. An every branch that is grape-bearing he prunes back so it will bear even more.  You are already pruned by the message I have spoken.  "Live in me.  Make your home in me just as I do in you.  In the same way that a branch can't bear grapes by itself but only by being joined to the vine, you can't bear fruit unless you are joined with me.  I am the Vine, you are the branches.  When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant.  Separated, you can't produce a thing.  Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire.  But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon.  This is how my Father shows who he is-when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples.  John 15:1-8 The Message Yep, I've been pruned down to a nub, to a point where I feel like I will never grow again but God promises me that I will bloom and flourish as long as I have Him.  The problem with that is the waiting.  Right now, I feel like that tree across the street, just trying to hang on to at least a few leaves, so I am not stripped completely.  I also know as soon as I lose all of my leaves that I will be ready to bloom again and again in Christ.  So dear God in Heaven, thank you for pruning me and stripping me to nothing and Father God I can't wait to see my season of vibrant blooming.  For through You God, I have that promise, prune me and make me what You will.  Use me in the way I can be used and dear God help me be patient in waiting for the growing, blooming season while I stand leafless. And thank you dear God for loaning me a little bloom  named Molly.  Amen.

Jeremiah 29:11

'I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’" Jeremiah 29:11  I know all of you have heard this verse over and over.  Frankly, when Shane was sick and then passed when people would throw this verse out to me I heard mostly-"yadayadayada" and my thoughts were something like-yeah whatever, how can the sickness and death of my husband prosper and not harm me and my children.  Honestly, I still struggle with this verse and still struggle with how Shane's death is a good thing for me and my family.  However, this verse popped up as my email scripture yesterday in just the right time.  I received some news that was not so good yesterday concerning some personal stuff (not health related just personal yuck.)  I received it on my way to my bible study, ironically.  Handled it at first, then when I saw my sister-lost it with her, (God has a way of putting people at the right place at the right time) before going in and it carried over into the study.  Our study leader always prays before we start and always has some awesome music to get our hearts and minds ready to study His Word.  During the song, I had to excuse myself and head to the restroom before I was a bawling mess.  I was not far so I could hear the music.  I spoke to God about the circumstances and asked Him to show up.  For some reason on this particular day 2 songs played before we studied when usually only one plays.  The second song was just instrumental but it has been my "song" to push through my circumstances.  "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" played throughout the house and through the door of the restroom.  I knew instantly that God sent that song for me, for it to permeate my being to know that no matter what the circumstance is, He is there.  My sister came in to check on me and gave me a much needed hug and told me she wished she could take it all away and asked God to take this all away.  Then a dear dear sister in Christ came in and squatted before me and said, "Do you hear what song is playing?" She also commented that the song was straight from God and from Shane.  She recited," Turn your eyes upong Jesus, look full in His wonderful face and the things of earth will grow strangely dim..."  This sweet sister remembered that while at the womens conference I spoke at in July I stated this was my "song."  Then another friend reminded me after the study to dwell on the things that God HAS done for me and not on the bad stuff and all the bad stuff would not seem so big.  She was right.  Yesterday, I reminded myself of how the Holy Spirit has been all over me for the past year and how I have seen huge things from God and tiny things from Him.  Yep, I still struggle with His plans for me, but in the grand scheme of things I know He has my back.  I know all of this "stuff" is happening for a reason and that whatever happens He is with me.  I was reminded yesterday that sometimes God allows many things to happen at one time in order for me to totally surrender to Him.  Yes, when bad things happen, one at a time, we can probably handle them, but when many bad things happen all at once, we will tend to surrender to Him, because it is too big for us.  So today, I surrender it all...all of the questions, the circumstances and the fear to the One that can handle it when it is much too big for me.  I know His plans will prosper me and not harm me I just have to be patient and dicerning to recognize those plans.  If I could ask for you to pray that I can surrender it "all" to Him because I truly can't handle it without Him.  Thanks to all that continually pray for me and my family.  Thanks to those that bless us with kindness. Thanks be to God for ALL the things He has done and will do.  Amen. 

Knowing You'll Be There - Gaither Vocal Band

I recently attended our church's homecoming and we had special guest singers, The Davis Trio, come and sing. They sang this song and on the first line I was in tears along with Jake. This song truly reflects how I feel about Shane. Enjoy. Listen closely when they sing about "You left so many Fishers of Men" so Shane. Can't wait to go Home so I can run into My Father's arms and my husbands arms, cause he said he'd be waiting, both have promised me that.

Pride

  Pride-I have never really thought about this word very much until the last year.  Cancer does not allow a lot of pride when it grows and flourishes.   Shane held on to his dignity until the very end but was never prideful.  I think the dignity that he displayed through his sickness and through his bodily death had lots to do with the grace he displayed.   This man was extremely gracious to me and everyone around us.  Always thanking me and telling me he was sorry for what I had to do for him, he was gracious to whomever was around helping.  He was gracious even to each person that stuck him with a needle, or pulled out a chest tube, or gave him extremely bad news. He was gracious even when he had his head in a bucket, and even when he just wasn't up for company.  He continued to hang on to his dignity through his graciousness. So I think that grace and dignity go hand in hand.  I, too, really try to be gracious, therefore, hanging on to my dignity.  Its rather hard being a widow with children and accepting things that are done for us or given to us.  I have been told time and time again to just accept my blessings without questioning or complaining.  Its hard to depend on others for things, things that ordinarily Shane took care of.  In no way am I saying that I am too prideful to accept blessings, I'm just saying it is hard.  Pride is something you have to swallow and put behind you.  Yes, I've said before that peoples expressions tell the whole story about me, being a new widow.  I just have to swallow my pride and push on.  I try and take lessons from Shane in this area.  When your body is riddled with this dastardly disease, pride goes out the window.  Frankly, there is no room for pride of any kind.  So as I watched Shane put pride on the back burner, I watched his grace explode.  You put pride behind you when you walk through the Social Security office to file for widow benefits and benefits for your children.  Looking around wondering what are all these other people here for.  Did they just loose the love of their life? Or has life just dealt them a bumb deal.  I have to remember putting pride behind me when I am standing somewhere for someone to take my personal information, as in at doctors offices, etc.  "Ma'am, is this information still correct...address, phone number, person to contact in case of emergency is Shane Richardson 706-346-****, insurance under Jon Richardson. May we leave a message with Mr. Richardson concerning test, lab results?" me:  "Address the same, phone number the same, person to contact in case of emergency needs to be changed (never thought about having to change that part), and no my insurance is in my name now. No, there is no one to leave a message with for my test results, just me."  All of this dialog being said where everyone can hear. Can I just hang on to a little dignity? I've been through literal HELL and would like to just not announce it to everyone.  Other times I would like to throw dignity out the window and be like Molly.  "Dang it, my husband just died and I have a right to cry in the grocery store!"  or "My husband just died could you just give me a small break today" or "Hello? Just lost my husband and I miss him terribly, so if I don't smile and be cheerful don't think anything of it." or "No, no one to call unless you call my mom, I'm 41 years old and you will have to call my mom in case of emergency."  Molly says it so matter of factly, "My daddy died,"  she throws pride down the drain.  She ddoesn't care if it makes someone wince when she says it, doesn't really care how the person accepts it.  Oh, to be a child again. 
I have to laugh at this story, I was talking to a very dear person the other day.  She and her family have been facing financial problems for about 3 years.  They finally resorted to getting food stamps just so they could feed their children.  Talking about swallowing your pride.  Applying and accepting food stamps should be bad enough but it gets better.  She and her children were at Kroger (out of state) and had a cart full of groceries.  She said its embarrassing enough to have to pull them out at check-out, but wait and wait.  She stands there and they won't go through on the computer system.  The cashier starts asking questions and another cashier screams out, "yea, I think the whole food stamp system is down."  This person said she wanted to just leave her cart and walk out but needed her groceries.  By this time in the conversation, I am laughing and she is too, to keep from crying.  Then, since the line is getting backed up, they ask her to move to the customer service desk.  A few more food stamp recipients are having the same trouble.  She stands for about an hour and by this time, there are lots of people in the same predicament and people coming in start asking whats going on.  I can hear it now, "Food stamps system is down."  All these people that are already embarrassed to receive food stamps now has it announced to everyone.  Luckily, she had told her children to go look at books so they wouldn't have to be so embarrassed.  I was literally rolling at the thought of this thinking it would have been a great sitcom.  Luckily, she knows I love her and we were laughing together. 
Although I try an hang on to my dignity I am truly humbled.  Now, I am not so judgemental of those I use to complain about when I am in a hurry and I am waiting now for each food stamp to be processed. Nor am I judgemental of single moms or dads just trying to hold it together for their kids sake.  I try not to judge the person that is obviously having a really bad day and is right rude to me on the road or in the store. I have to remind myself, that they too, just may be in a certain storm, they may have just lost a loved one, or they may just be down on their luck, blessings not so apparent.  So as I end this blog, I ask that you would not judge those less fortunate as yourself.  There is just no telling what is going on in their lives.  There is a fine line holding on to our dignity but not being too prideful.  So today I ask God to help me with trying to hang on to my dignity but not being prideful. I ask Him to help me respect those that are around me and allow them just a little dignity and respect.

 But He gives us more grace.  That is why Scripture says:  "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6

Thank you dear God for making me humble, and thank you for your constant grace. I pray I never forget this feeling. 

Beginning of a new season

Labor day has come and gone and so it begins the season of Fall.  I have dreaded this all summer long.  I know with each day that draws nearer to October dread will be my enemy.  I will be reliving each day of last October and with each day I will be faced with remembering what news we received on what day concerning Shane's diagnosis.  Fall was always one of mine and Shane's favorite seasons.  I always secretly wished we had gotten married in the fall but didn't want to wait any longer to be his wife so we chose spring.  We always loved fall for we knew with it came the holiday season.  This year I wish I could go to sleep and wake up into spring (after April 3).  With all the books and information that I have read on grief facing the first year is the worst.  So this will be a new first for the 4 of us.  We did make it through the first weekend of college football without Shane, whooping it up with Jake, but there was definitely a void here.  I am faced with remembering that last year about this time I started seeing a change in Shane.  He was very distracted with small pains here and there, he would be very distant.  I know in my heart that he knew something was not right.  I do not know when the stupid cancer took up residence in my husbands body but I feel it had started doing its cancerly things this time last year. These past few weeks I have had to relive some things that I didn't want to be reliving this soon.  Some of you know that I had to go through a CT scan.  I recently noticed some swelling at the base of my neck and proceeded with going to the doctor.  Of course, after what we have been through with Shane I immediately thought the very worst.  When I went to my doctor he reassured me, but suggested after what I had been through, to ease my mind that we should do a scan just to make sure.  Thankfully, my mom with with me that day.  When I heard the word CT scan, memories came rushing back of how Shane was terrified of each test, scan that he had to go through.  As terrified as he was he always "manned" up and went through them without complaints and kept his fear to himself.  I asked the questions that I had to learn to ask with Shane.  Would there be contrast? What else could this be? etc. I held it together until we got to the car and then fell apart.  I told my mom that I just didn't have the energy for this right now, that this was just too soon after Shane, why was I having to go through this right now.  Literally, I was having a big ole' pity party of why me's, again.  Satan started toying with my mind and made me start thinking of all things cancer.  Then I start thinking of my children, what will they think? Then I start thinking well, I may be seeing Shane a little sooner than expected.  Satan started dancing in my thoughts and was having his hay day as he often does.  He finds my weakness, and then goes to town.  In this case, it was cancer/sickness.  That day was pretty much written off, until I picked up my kids.  They have a way of distracting me.  Several of my "armour barriers"  gave me words of advice to fight the enemy so I proceeded with what they suggested.  One early morning I decided to visit Shane's grave, as soon as I pull in the very song that was sung at his graveside service came on the radio, "I Will Rise."  I took that as one of my God winks, feeling like it was one of His hugs for me.  Spent some much needed time with God, something about being on that hill that makes Him feel closer.  Read some scripture had a sweet friend pray with me on the phone and left there feeling like I was more empowered than I had been in a while.  Since the tv in the bedroom was struck I have been able to spend so much more time in the Word.  I have never read the whole book of Job, always found it a little depressing.  I turned to it read it from beginning to end along with the commentary.  I can so relate to this man.  No matter how bad things seem around me, I still find myself wanting to praise Him.  He has already done so much for me, starting with the death of His own Son.  I almost feel guilty asking Him for anything more.  I do feel very guilty for ever doubting Him or asking why He allows things.  God just being God is reason enough for me to praise Him.  I made it through the CT scan, thinking of Shane prior to the scan.  As I was preparing for the scan that morning I had some great time with God, just praising Him.  When I got there the tech told me to put my things down, I had Shane's small bible with me, and asked if I could hang on to it, she told me I could keep it on my chest.  So during the scan, while the automated voice is saying "Please lie still and do not swallow" I have God's word on me, while I am singing in my head, "Turn your Eyes Upon Jesus."  It was over in no time and was a sweet time with my Saviour.  Thankfully, my results were a prominent jugular vein??!! Vampires dream!!  Thinking there is a muscle that's spasming and pushing on the vein.  Anyway, thankful and still praying nothing more and it will go away as fast as it came. Dang Satan!!! He's as bad as cancer. Thankful that God continues to sustain me.  Knowing the "first" fall without Shane will be difficult but still praising God for His beauty, His promises and all of the blessings He provides each and every day.  And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9  His grace is all I need and I thank Him.  He continues to carry me through each day, even on the days I would rather run and do it myself-worry, anxiety, control. Thank you, God, for knowing me better than I know myself.  Thank you God for the ones that continue to pray and lift me and my family up. Thank you for being YOU!!

Inconveniences

School has begun.  Boys started almost a week ago and Molly started yesterday.  I've always hated school starting back, think its just a carry over from when I always had to go back.  I dreaded it a bit more this year.  See, I grew accustomed to having my 3 around all the time.  Kinda filled the loneliness that I try and not think about.  The loneliness that really can't be described.  Plus it was just another first without Shane being here.  He was always the one that got excited about school.  He thrived on routines, me, not so much.  He use to get so excited when I would come home with the school supplies, he always wanted to see what the kids had and always liked to sneak a whiff of the new crayons, playdo, etc.  We're weird like that,  I still do it.  I knew the boys were dreading it too.  Knowing they were dreading it like every other kid, but also dreading it for other reasons. I decided to attend the UCS convocation but Jake was reluctant.  I told him it would be good, kinda get back in the swing of things.  His answer, "But mom, all those people will be asking us how we are doing."  I responded by asking if that was a bad thing.  His reply, "Dad?"  Sam had already mentioned that if they had a day for dads, he wanted to stay home.  When I thought about it, I understood, during summer we were surrounded by those we see everyday, for 2 months we really didn't have to face people asking how we were doing, they already knew the good and bad days, the days we were missing daddy and the days we didn't want to talk about it.  I still have that stigma about walking into a room of people, never sure of what the reaction may be.  Especially for those that I don't see often. Just one more thing to overcome.
During all of these new transitions I think sometime that maybe we can get a little break here and there.  Not true.  Everyday life continues on.  When Shane was here, we had our share of little inconveniences but seems like since he's not here things just keep happening. Knowing things are just magnified since he is not here.  Here is a short list... our cat ended up having to have emergency surgery (required a house cat again for 1+week), our dog ended up with heartworms (my fault, while medicating Shane for 6 months, I forgot to medicate the dog) he has had to be confined for 2 months which requires me to walk him several times a day.  I have endured a severe crick in my neck, thankfully that is gone, I've had to have a mole removed and have had to depend on my 3 year old to help bandage it, its smack dab in the middle of my back (she is very good, never misses.) Then, Tuesday morning, our confined dog woke me up at 4am barking, checked on him and he was standing in the pouring rain and wouldn't get in his house in his confined kennel. Since this was Molly's first day of school and I couldn't sleep I was praying for the day and a storm came up, literally out of nowhere.  The kids had joined me in my insomniac state by this time and at 5:20 am the biggest bolt of lightening and the loudest thunder hit right outside of our bedroom window.  Shook us all up.  I don't like storms, nor do my kids.  Immediately we tried to turn on the bedroom tv, that's what my junior meteorologist does during storms, to no avail.  Checked downstairs and that tv wouldn't work.  Long story-short.  Lightening came in to the house, hit my tv (Shane gave me for Christmas 2 yrs ago), hit the tv in the boys bedroom and the Wii.  We had just changed over cable, internet and phone so sweet technician guy came back and had to install all new boxes, modems etc.  He noticed the lightening had struck a tree outside of our bedroom, not bad just the barked knocked off.  So, while I was thankful the tree didn't fall on the house or lightening didn't catch the house on fire, I literally lost it on my way to pick up Molly from preschool.  I called a friend and asked her, in not so nice terms, when this stuff was going to end, when we were going to get a break.  I expressed that I didn't really know how to pray, she responded with -ask Him for help. I've done that, time and time again. While I was sitting in car line, I looked at all the cars in front and behind me and thought about each mom in each car and thought about what their worries were.  They have the same worries that I had 1 year ago and years before--whats for supper, how am I going to get this kid here and that one there, I really need to run to TJ Maxx and get that shirt I saw last week, should I paint the kitchen, was Molly dressed cute enough today,  I wonder if Shane will be on time tonight so I can get a break, how am I ever going to get all that laundry done.  Then I started feeling really sorry for myself, thinking why am I the one sitting in the car knowing my husband is not coming home today, that he won't be walking in for my kids to scream, "Daddy's home." That Molly will never have her daddy surprise her for lunch at school or out of nowhere pick her up, that it will be me watching football this fall with the boys instead of Shane.  That fall break will be bringing back a flood of memories from last year.  Then I start thinking God has abandoned me, no matter how faithful I am.  I can't help but think that all of this is of Satan, that He knows that I am faithful and more in love with God than ever before so he is going to do what he can to distract me.  He is attacking through minor and major inconveniences.  He is attacking me through self-pity and envy, envy of everyone else's lives.  He is attacking through people that claim to be lovers of Christ but are not acting as such. Satan just will never let up, and frankly it scares me to death.  I've said myself that if you have a relationship with Christ that its not if a storm hits but when, and that statement scares me to death.  I don't know what I was thinking, I just assumed that my husband's cancer then passing just sort of took me out of Satan's loop, that maybe he would give me and my kids a break.  I was talking to Shane's mom about this and she reminded me that I am a metal that God is shaping and refining into precious gold.  I told her enough already, I'm ready to be refined into that precious gold.  I literally feel like this piece of metal is about to turn to mash potatoes.  I am continually reminded, in my spirit, that this, what I am going through, is nothing to compare to what Joy is up ahead.  I'm not the most patient of people so this is very hard for me.  Today, while I was home alone, cleaning out the fridge, one of the songs on my play list came on and it reminded me of something so important, www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FXLo3aCkuQ&feature=related I'm not alone, while Satan is attacking through big and little things, I'm not alone, while my thoughts yank me away from God's truths, I'm not alone, while frightening lightening and thunder are crashing all around-I'm not alone, while the world tries to take advantage of me-I'm not alone, nor are my babies. 

17 the Spirit of truth, whom the world is not able to receive, because it does not see him nor know him; you surely know him, for he abides with you and will be in you. 18 I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you. 19 Soon the world will no longer see me, but you surely will see me; because I live, you also will surely live. 20 In that day you will indeed know that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.” John 14:17-20

No matter how Satan is attacking I  am still seeing Jesus.  I'm seeing Him through those relationships that Shane counted on and knew would be my support system.  I am seeing Him through little reassurances He continually sends me every day no matter what is crumbling around me, like a verse or a song.  I see Him through generosity of something being taken care of that I was worried about.  I see Him through friends and family who are taking the brunt of my fits of rage, of a pizza delivered from a friend, that has more on her plate than most, because she knew I was having a very bad day.  I see Him in a woman that is a rock to me that emptied my dishwasher, straightened my kitchen and lets me cry on her constantly and borrow her husband for odds and ends.  I see Him in my children, when they say things like, "I don't know how my mom has not lost it with all that's going on," and through one that quietly mentions daddy in the most tender ways in his sweet sweet voice, and a little girl that remembers the smallest things, when we worried if she would remember daddy at all.  Do you hear that Satan, no matter what you do, I'm not alone, my Father's got my back.  Take that evil one!! I will just wait (maybe not so patiently) on the Joy I know is coming.

Sorry this was lengthy, but I've got lots to say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!