Knowing You'll Be There - Gaither Vocal Band

I recently attended our church's homecoming and we had special guest singers, The Davis Trio, come and sing. They sang this song and on the first line I was in tears along with Jake. This song truly reflects how I feel about Shane. Enjoy. Listen closely when they sing about "You left so many Fishers of Men" so Shane. Can't wait to go Home so I can run into My Father's arms and my husbands arms, cause he said he'd be waiting, both have promised me that.

Pride

  Pride-I have never really thought about this word very much until the last year.  Cancer does not allow a lot of pride when it grows and flourishes.   Shane held on to his dignity until the very end but was never prideful.  I think the dignity that he displayed through his sickness and through his bodily death had lots to do with the grace he displayed.   This man was extremely gracious to me and everyone around us.  Always thanking me and telling me he was sorry for what I had to do for him, he was gracious to whomever was around helping.  He was gracious even to each person that stuck him with a needle, or pulled out a chest tube, or gave him extremely bad news. He was gracious even when he had his head in a bucket, and even when he just wasn't up for company.  He continued to hang on to his dignity through his graciousness. So I think that grace and dignity go hand in hand.  I, too, really try to be gracious, therefore, hanging on to my dignity.  Its rather hard being a widow with children and accepting things that are done for us or given to us.  I have been told time and time again to just accept my blessings without questioning or complaining.  Its hard to depend on others for things, things that ordinarily Shane took care of.  In no way am I saying that I am too prideful to accept blessings, I'm just saying it is hard.  Pride is something you have to swallow and put behind you.  Yes, I've said before that peoples expressions tell the whole story about me, being a new widow.  I just have to swallow my pride and push on.  I try and take lessons from Shane in this area.  When your body is riddled with this dastardly disease, pride goes out the window.  Frankly, there is no room for pride of any kind.  So as I watched Shane put pride on the back burner, I watched his grace explode.  You put pride behind you when you walk through the Social Security office to file for widow benefits and benefits for your children.  Looking around wondering what are all these other people here for.  Did they just loose the love of their life? Or has life just dealt them a bumb deal.  I have to remember putting pride behind me when I am standing somewhere for someone to take my personal information, as in at doctors offices, etc.  "Ma'am, is this information still correct...address, phone number, person to contact in case of emergency is Shane Richardson 706-346-****, insurance under Jon Richardson. May we leave a message with Mr. Richardson concerning test, lab results?" me:  "Address the same, phone number the same, person to contact in case of emergency needs to be changed (never thought about having to change that part), and no my insurance is in my name now. No, there is no one to leave a message with for my test results, just me."  All of this dialog being said where everyone can hear. Can I just hang on to a little dignity? I've been through literal HELL and would like to just not announce it to everyone.  Other times I would like to throw dignity out the window and be like Molly.  "Dang it, my husband just died and I have a right to cry in the grocery store!"  or "My husband just died could you just give me a small break today" or "Hello? Just lost my husband and I miss him terribly, so if I don't smile and be cheerful don't think anything of it." or "No, no one to call unless you call my mom, I'm 41 years old and you will have to call my mom in case of emergency."  Molly says it so matter of factly, "My daddy died,"  she throws pride down the drain.  She ddoesn't care if it makes someone wince when she says it, doesn't really care how the person accepts it.  Oh, to be a child again. 
I have to laugh at this story, I was talking to a very dear person the other day.  She and her family have been facing financial problems for about 3 years.  They finally resorted to getting food stamps just so they could feed their children.  Talking about swallowing your pride.  Applying and accepting food stamps should be bad enough but it gets better.  She and her children were at Kroger (out of state) and had a cart full of groceries.  She said its embarrassing enough to have to pull them out at check-out, but wait and wait.  She stands there and they won't go through on the computer system.  The cashier starts asking questions and another cashier screams out, "yea, I think the whole food stamp system is down."  This person said she wanted to just leave her cart and walk out but needed her groceries.  By this time in the conversation, I am laughing and she is too, to keep from crying.  Then, since the line is getting backed up, they ask her to move to the customer service desk.  A few more food stamp recipients are having the same trouble.  She stands for about an hour and by this time, there are lots of people in the same predicament and people coming in start asking whats going on.  I can hear it now, "Food stamps system is down."  All these people that are already embarrassed to receive food stamps now has it announced to everyone.  Luckily, she had told her children to go look at books so they wouldn't have to be so embarrassed.  I was literally rolling at the thought of this thinking it would have been a great sitcom.  Luckily, she knows I love her and we were laughing together. 
Although I try an hang on to my dignity I am truly humbled.  Now, I am not so judgemental of those I use to complain about when I am in a hurry and I am waiting now for each food stamp to be processed. Nor am I judgemental of single moms or dads just trying to hold it together for their kids sake.  I try not to judge the person that is obviously having a really bad day and is right rude to me on the road or in the store. I have to remind myself, that they too, just may be in a certain storm, they may have just lost a loved one, or they may just be down on their luck, blessings not so apparent.  So as I end this blog, I ask that you would not judge those less fortunate as yourself.  There is just no telling what is going on in their lives.  There is a fine line holding on to our dignity but not being too prideful.  So today I ask God to help me with trying to hang on to my dignity but not being prideful. I ask Him to help me respect those that are around me and allow them just a little dignity and respect.

 But He gives us more grace.  That is why Scripture says:  "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6

Thank you dear God for making me humble, and thank you for your constant grace. I pray I never forget this feeling. 

Beginning of a new season

Labor day has come and gone and so it begins the season of Fall.  I have dreaded this all summer long.  I know with each day that draws nearer to October dread will be my enemy.  I will be reliving each day of last October and with each day I will be faced with remembering what news we received on what day concerning Shane's diagnosis.  Fall was always one of mine and Shane's favorite seasons.  I always secretly wished we had gotten married in the fall but didn't want to wait any longer to be his wife so we chose spring.  We always loved fall for we knew with it came the holiday season.  This year I wish I could go to sleep and wake up into spring (after April 3).  With all the books and information that I have read on grief facing the first year is the worst.  So this will be a new first for the 4 of us.  We did make it through the first weekend of college football without Shane, whooping it up with Jake, but there was definitely a void here.  I am faced with remembering that last year about this time I started seeing a change in Shane.  He was very distracted with small pains here and there, he would be very distant.  I know in my heart that he knew something was not right.  I do not know when the stupid cancer took up residence in my husbands body but I feel it had started doing its cancerly things this time last year. These past few weeks I have had to relive some things that I didn't want to be reliving this soon.  Some of you know that I had to go through a CT scan.  I recently noticed some swelling at the base of my neck and proceeded with going to the doctor.  Of course, after what we have been through with Shane I immediately thought the very worst.  When I went to my doctor he reassured me, but suggested after what I had been through, to ease my mind that we should do a scan just to make sure.  Thankfully, my mom with with me that day.  When I heard the word CT scan, memories came rushing back of how Shane was terrified of each test, scan that he had to go through.  As terrified as he was he always "manned" up and went through them without complaints and kept his fear to himself.  I asked the questions that I had to learn to ask with Shane.  Would there be contrast? What else could this be? etc. I held it together until we got to the car and then fell apart.  I told my mom that I just didn't have the energy for this right now, that this was just too soon after Shane, why was I having to go through this right now.  Literally, I was having a big ole' pity party of why me's, again.  Satan started toying with my mind and made me start thinking of all things cancer.  Then I start thinking of my children, what will they think? Then I start thinking well, I may be seeing Shane a little sooner than expected.  Satan started dancing in my thoughts and was having his hay day as he often does.  He finds my weakness, and then goes to town.  In this case, it was cancer/sickness.  That day was pretty much written off, until I picked up my kids.  They have a way of distracting me.  Several of my "armour barriers"  gave me words of advice to fight the enemy so I proceeded with what they suggested.  One early morning I decided to visit Shane's grave, as soon as I pull in the very song that was sung at his graveside service came on the radio, "I Will Rise."  I took that as one of my God winks, feeling like it was one of His hugs for me.  Spent some much needed time with God, something about being on that hill that makes Him feel closer.  Read some scripture had a sweet friend pray with me on the phone and left there feeling like I was more empowered than I had been in a while.  Since the tv in the bedroom was struck I have been able to spend so much more time in the Word.  I have never read the whole book of Job, always found it a little depressing.  I turned to it read it from beginning to end along with the commentary.  I can so relate to this man.  No matter how bad things seem around me, I still find myself wanting to praise Him.  He has already done so much for me, starting with the death of His own Son.  I almost feel guilty asking Him for anything more.  I do feel very guilty for ever doubting Him or asking why He allows things.  God just being God is reason enough for me to praise Him.  I made it through the CT scan, thinking of Shane prior to the scan.  As I was preparing for the scan that morning I had some great time with God, just praising Him.  When I got there the tech told me to put my things down, I had Shane's small bible with me, and asked if I could hang on to it, she told me I could keep it on my chest.  So during the scan, while the automated voice is saying "Please lie still and do not swallow" I have God's word on me, while I am singing in my head, "Turn your Eyes Upon Jesus."  It was over in no time and was a sweet time with my Saviour.  Thankfully, my results were a prominent jugular vein??!! Vampires dream!!  Thinking there is a muscle that's spasming and pushing on the vein.  Anyway, thankful and still praying nothing more and it will go away as fast as it came. Dang Satan!!! He's as bad as cancer. Thankful that God continues to sustain me.  Knowing the "first" fall without Shane will be difficult but still praising God for His beauty, His promises and all of the blessings He provides each and every day.  And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9  His grace is all I need and I thank Him.  He continues to carry me through each day, even on the days I would rather run and do it myself-worry, anxiety, control. Thank you, God, for knowing me better than I know myself.  Thank you God for the ones that continue to pray and lift me and my family up. Thank you for being YOU!!

Inconveniences

School has begun.  Boys started almost a week ago and Molly started yesterday.  I've always hated school starting back, think its just a carry over from when I always had to go back.  I dreaded it a bit more this year.  See, I grew accustomed to having my 3 around all the time.  Kinda filled the loneliness that I try and not think about.  The loneliness that really can't be described.  Plus it was just another first without Shane being here.  He was always the one that got excited about school.  He thrived on routines, me, not so much.  He use to get so excited when I would come home with the school supplies, he always wanted to see what the kids had and always liked to sneak a whiff of the new crayons, playdo, etc.  We're weird like that,  I still do it.  I knew the boys were dreading it too.  Knowing they were dreading it like every other kid, but also dreading it for other reasons. I decided to attend the UCS convocation but Jake was reluctant.  I told him it would be good, kinda get back in the swing of things.  His answer, "But mom, all those people will be asking us how we are doing."  I responded by asking if that was a bad thing.  His reply, "Dad?"  Sam had already mentioned that if they had a day for dads, he wanted to stay home.  When I thought about it, I understood, during summer we were surrounded by those we see everyday, for 2 months we really didn't have to face people asking how we were doing, they already knew the good and bad days, the days we were missing daddy and the days we didn't want to talk about it.  I still have that stigma about walking into a room of people, never sure of what the reaction may be.  Especially for those that I don't see often. Just one more thing to overcome.
During all of these new transitions I think sometime that maybe we can get a little break here and there.  Not true.  Everyday life continues on.  When Shane was here, we had our share of little inconveniences but seems like since he's not here things just keep happening. Knowing things are just magnified since he is not here.  Here is a short list... our cat ended up having to have emergency surgery (required a house cat again for 1+week), our dog ended up with heartworms (my fault, while medicating Shane for 6 months, I forgot to medicate the dog) he has had to be confined for 2 months which requires me to walk him several times a day.  I have endured a severe crick in my neck, thankfully that is gone, I've had to have a mole removed and have had to depend on my 3 year old to help bandage it, its smack dab in the middle of my back (she is very good, never misses.) Then, Tuesday morning, our confined dog woke me up at 4am barking, checked on him and he was standing in the pouring rain and wouldn't get in his house in his confined kennel. Since this was Molly's first day of school and I couldn't sleep I was praying for the day and a storm came up, literally out of nowhere.  The kids had joined me in my insomniac state by this time and at 5:20 am the biggest bolt of lightening and the loudest thunder hit right outside of our bedroom window.  Shook us all up.  I don't like storms, nor do my kids.  Immediately we tried to turn on the bedroom tv, that's what my junior meteorologist does during storms, to no avail.  Checked downstairs and that tv wouldn't work.  Long story-short.  Lightening came in to the house, hit my tv (Shane gave me for Christmas 2 yrs ago), hit the tv in the boys bedroom and the Wii.  We had just changed over cable, internet and phone so sweet technician guy came back and had to install all new boxes, modems etc.  He noticed the lightening had struck a tree outside of our bedroom, not bad just the barked knocked off.  So, while I was thankful the tree didn't fall on the house or lightening didn't catch the house on fire, I literally lost it on my way to pick up Molly from preschool.  I called a friend and asked her, in not so nice terms, when this stuff was going to end, when we were going to get a break.  I expressed that I didn't really know how to pray, she responded with -ask Him for help. I've done that, time and time again. While I was sitting in car line, I looked at all the cars in front and behind me and thought about each mom in each car and thought about what their worries were.  They have the same worries that I had 1 year ago and years before--whats for supper, how am I going to get this kid here and that one there, I really need to run to TJ Maxx and get that shirt I saw last week, should I paint the kitchen, was Molly dressed cute enough today,  I wonder if Shane will be on time tonight so I can get a break, how am I ever going to get all that laundry done.  Then I started feeling really sorry for myself, thinking why am I the one sitting in the car knowing my husband is not coming home today, that he won't be walking in for my kids to scream, "Daddy's home." That Molly will never have her daddy surprise her for lunch at school or out of nowhere pick her up, that it will be me watching football this fall with the boys instead of Shane.  That fall break will be bringing back a flood of memories from last year.  Then I start thinking God has abandoned me, no matter how faithful I am.  I can't help but think that all of this is of Satan, that He knows that I am faithful and more in love with God than ever before so he is going to do what he can to distract me.  He is attacking through minor and major inconveniences.  He is attacking me through self-pity and envy, envy of everyone else's lives.  He is attacking through people that claim to be lovers of Christ but are not acting as such. Satan just will never let up, and frankly it scares me to death.  I've said myself that if you have a relationship with Christ that its not if a storm hits but when, and that statement scares me to death.  I don't know what I was thinking, I just assumed that my husband's cancer then passing just sort of took me out of Satan's loop, that maybe he would give me and my kids a break.  I was talking to Shane's mom about this and she reminded me that I am a metal that God is shaping and refining into precious gold.  I told her enough already, I'm ready to be refined into that precious gold.  I literally feel like this piece of metal is about to turn to mash potatoes.  I am continually reminded, in my spirit, that this, what I am going through, is nothing to compare to what Joy is up ahead.  I'm not the most patient of people so this is very hard for me.  Today, while I was home alone, cleaning out the fridge, one of the songs on my play list came on and it reminded me of something so important, www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FXLo3aCkuQ&feature=related I'm not alone, while Satan is attacking through big and little things, I'm not alone, while my thoughts yank me away from God's truths, I'm not alone, while frightening lightening and thunder are crashing all around-I'm not alone, while the world tries to take advantage of me-I'm not alone, nor are my babies. 

17 the Spirit of truth, whom the world is not able to receive, because it does not see him nor know him; you surely know him, for he abides with you and will be in you. 18 I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you. 19 Soon the world will no longer see me, but you surely will see me; because I live, you also will surely live. 20 In that day you will indeed know that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.” John 14:17-20

No matter how Satan is attacking I  am still seeing Jesus.  I'm seeing Him through those relationships that Shane counted on and knew would be my support system.  I am seeing Him through little reassurances He continually sends me every day no matter what is crumbling around me, like a verse or a song.  I see Him through generosity of something being taken care of that I was worried about.  I see Him through friends and family who are taking the brunt of my fits of rage, of a pizza delivered from a friend, that has more on her plate than most, because she knew I was having a very bad day.  I see Him in a woman that is a rock to me that emptied my dishwasher, straightened my kitchen and lets me cry on her constantly and borrow her husband for odds and ends.  I see Him in my children, when they say things like, "I don't know how my mom has not lost it with all that's going on," and through one that quietly mentions daddy in the most tender ways in his sweet sweet voice, and a little girl that remembers the smallest things, when we worried if she would remember daddy at all.  Do you hear that Satan, no matter what you do, I'm not alone, my Father's got my back.  Take that evil one!! I will just wait (maybe not so patiently) on the Joy I know is coming.

Sorry this was lengthy, but I've got lots to say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Obedience

Haven't blogged in a while.  Reason being, I was saving my "insightfulness" and energy for my women's retreat.  I would have loved to have backed out a while back, but so glad I had a friend pushing me telling me it wasn't about me, but what God wanted me to do.  Of course, I worried about leaving the kids, but went anyway.  Had a BLAST!!!!  Got to spend some great time with some great women.  Loved being roommates with one of my most favorite people in the world...TD.  We ate and worshipped on Friday, stayed up way to late for 40 somethings but was too overjoyed for sleep.  Ate again on Saturday morning then my roomy took the mic.  I have told her before that she has contagious JOY for our Lord.  She loves God and  the Word of God and you can so see it all over her.  I always learn something from her and don't think she will ever know what she has done for me, pushing me to dig deeper and deeper into His word.  We praised some more then were suppose to eat lunch.  My mom and sisters(LG included in this), Shane's mom, and sweet Haley and Hannah, and some more dear friends came for the day, which made me feel good.  I couldn't eat, nerves, so settled for crackers.  My new friend ED took the mic next and revealed what God has done and is doing in her life.  It takes guts to get up and reveal yourself to women, and some strangers and share how God has carried you through.  Then it was yours trulys turn to take the mic.   I was extremely nervous to where my heart was literally beating out of my chest.  I knew I was covered because in a phone conversation with Jake a few hours before he said, "Wait mom, Holy Spirit come in and give my mom the words."  I was taken aback and beaming that my 10 year old would say this to me.  I thought I may need to potty before speaking so hurried to do just that.  Luckily, with women, there is usually a wait for the potty.  Just so happened that TD was waiting too, and asked if she could pray for me.  She did just that while 2 sweet Godly women joined us.  She prayed and the Holy Spirit showed up as we asked and my nerves disappeared.  I was asked to share my story of the last few months and did just that.  There were tears, laughter and an awesome presence of the Holy Spirit.  I shared what was on my heart and what had been on my heart, from the anger and whys to knowing I could not have made it this far if it weren't for my Heavenly Father.  He truly has sustained me through this.  During my story I had shared that on Friday before Shane's deliverance that I had given him a bath and thought it was appropriate for me to wash his feet.  When I was washing his feet with tenderness and love I had no idea that I was preparing him to meet Jesus.  I knew that it was a very special moment between Shane, me and our Heavenly Father but that was it.  When I finished my story, the music started and I went to decompress.  A longtime friend came up to me with tears in her eyes and said something about washing feet, and God told her too, before I even mentioned washing Shane's.  I was still a little frazzled so didn't quite understand.  I went to sing Amazing Grace and a few minutes saw her walk up front with a large pail and towel.  She proceeded to grab my hand and sit me down.  She had said God had told her to wash my feet.  I sat and she took my left foot and placed it in the water, and all the while was praying and thanking God, she then took my right foot and placed in the water, still praying and praising.  At this time, family members and very close friends surrounded me with prayer.  Most importantly my Savior was surrounding me.  His presence was so real to me, I remember asking, "Do you feel Him, He is here and I love Him."  While my feet were being cleansed so was my soul and my heart.  God used this sweet anointed friend to help begin healing for my soul and my heart.  I have not let go like that since the day Shane met Jesus.  At that point, I fell head over heels in love with the very man that took His place on the cross for me.  I have always loved Him, but my love for Him multiplied for Him 10 fold.  Yes, my heart still aches for Shane, but I know God's love will sustain me and I have hope in Christ that I will see Shane again.  Hardly can put into words what I was feeling at that moment.  We ended singing one of my favorite songs, "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" it has a whole new meaning since Shane's deliverance.  Since I have been focusing on Him more, this world just doesn't matter.  The sweet ladies that allowed this retreat presented me with a very special framed print.  It is a print of Jesus caressing, loving a sweet lamb.  The lamb is in His nail scarred hands.  That lamb, right now, is DeAnn.  He holds me close and is loving on me constantly.  He hasn't forgotten me, even on the days I feel He has.  He still loves me, even when I question what He is doing.  He has been head over heels in love with me for a long long time, and He has been waiting on me to fall as madly in love with Him. 
They treated me to a pedicure and I stayed for dinner.  I was asked to pray with a lady for her brother-in-law that has been diagnosed with stage IV cancer.  Before that I saw the young lady that I sat next to on Friday night.  I told her I enjoyed sitting with her and she said, "I have to tell you something.  I was the one that did Shane's xray and CT scan in October."  Chills went up my spine.  This sweet girl was the one that was with Shane when he saw that dreaded mass in his lung.  She told me she had been keeping up with Shane and I and had started praying that very day.  God is great, and know each meeting is not coincidental.  I didn't want to leave for fear I may never feel that close to God again.  However, I knew that this experience with Him would only make me seek Him more and, that, I intend to do.  I also had 3 sweet babies that were wanting their mom home for the night.  So I left, with a lighter heart.  I had 45 minutes alone with my Heavenly Father and praised Him all the way home. I have since messaged the sweet friend that washed my feet and she told me she was just as blessed as I was.  She said she now knows that when Jesus speaks to her that she will listen and do what He says, even if it means stepping out of her own comfort zone.  She said Saturday, she definitely stepped out of her comfort zone.  That's obedience.  So thankful that I, too, was obedient and went through with speaking and telling our story.  It was sooooo out of my comfort zone, but what a blessing I would have missed just for staying comfortable.  I've come to realize that loving Jesus does take you out of your comfort zone more than not.  For instance, your husband being diagnosed with cancer, going through treatments, then leaving for HOME will so take you out of your comfort zone.  But by stepping out Shane and I both experienced a comfort from God that we would have never seen before.  I found this verse concerning obedience, ironically it is in John 14.  "Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me.  And because they love me, my Father will love them.  And I will love them and reveal myself to each of them." John 14:21 See, if we obey He will reveal Himself to us.  And boy, did He reveal Himself on Saturday afternoon.  Thank you God for allowing us to see you, thank you for your constant comfort and grace.  Thank you for showing what it means to be obedient and thank you for the those that are "behind the scenes" that allowed me to go to this retreat, and those that stepped out of their comfort zone, so that we all could see YOU!!  He truly Came and Made a WAY.  Thanks Marsha and Jane for hosting such an incredible weekend and for being obedient.

Tears (and lack thereof)

Well I made it through my birthday.  It was bearable all because of the kids and family and friends.  I got to celebrate a night early with some dear friends.  We ate, laughed and cried and laughed some more.  On the morning of my birthday Sam was the first to hand deliver a birthday card that his kindergarten teacher/tutor let him sign in cursive with a sweet gift, a deck of Go Fish cards.  Then I was greeted downstairs with a candle in a chocolate chip cookie while they sang Happy Birthday.  Then Jake handed me a typed letter.  It was a very sweet letter and was signed -Shane, then he added I know this is what Dad would say if he was here.  Barely could contain myself.  They went to spend time with their cousins and I got to go to the pool all by MYSELF.  What a gift, but honestly I missed them.  We ended the day with my parents, sisters, Murph, Shane's parents and kids for dinner and Hot Molten Lava Cake.  It was actually a good day overall.  The whole day I was recalling last years birthday.  Shane had asked  Trace to plan a surprise 40th party for me, and I was really surprised to say the least.  Can't believe that just this time last year Shane was here, healthy and so very happy.  We were even planning my 40th birthday trip to New York City in November, even though Shane was none too excited about that, but he had agreed to take me.  Its still so unbelievable to me how just 12 months ago he was so here, so well and so alive. 
I woke up the other morning with the horrific realization that I had not cried in a few days.  For some reason I feel extremely guilty about this.  I feel like I am letting Shane down in a way.  I spoke to a friend about the way I was feeling and she reassured me that this was a good thing.  She had spoken to Shane on many occasions about "after" he was gone and she reassured me that he would so want this.  She said it was a sign that I am going on with life.  I know the tears will come again, but for now I think I am all cried out.  I know they may start again tomorrow or the next day or the next and when they do it will be like the Hoover dam breaking.  I just wish I could shake the feeling of guilt for not crying all the time, every day.  I was thinking about this after dinner tonight when I asked the kids if they wanted to go for a walk.  We were going to walk to a friends house about a block away.  When we went out it was thundering in a distance and I was looking up to see if we should actually venture off.  As soon as I looked, up what did I see??  A rainbow!!!  It was not very bright but it was there.  The boys and Molly were looking at it and commented on how it looked like it was in our neighborhood.  When we arrived to the friends house we were going to, it disappeared.  Coincidence???  Thank you God for your constant reminders that you love me and that life continues through this horrible pain and when the tears do fall, thank you for wiping them away with your loving hand.

"For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of LIVING water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes." Rev 7; 17 (emphasis mine)

Making a Way

A few weeks ago a dear friend asked me if I would like to speak at a women's conference put on by Battlefield Ministries.  She informed me that it would be at  the end of July at the Summit in Fort Payne AL see http://www.lifeshape.org/ and it is called "Come...and Make a Way."  At first, I was a little hesitant and then after a minute or 2 became a excited.  I took that as a prompting from the Holy Spirit.  You see, through this journey I have wondered what God wanted me to do with what He has shown me through this.  I'm not sure if this is it, or what, but I keep hearing Shane say, "Deedee, this is what we went through it for, you can do it."  When I first started posting on CaringBridge people would  share with Shane how I was ministering through what I was writing, I never intended it to be a ministry but was happy to find out that it was to some. Shane read a few of my post, then said he couldn't read them anymore, that my words touched him and he just couldn't read them.  Every now and again, I would share snippets out of a few.  Later, when Shane became really ill I recall sitting in bed with him and I think it was my oldest sister, Robin, that was sitting with us.  Shane said, "I thought all along that it was me being called into the ministry but I think it may be DeeDee."  I said immediately in response to that, "I don't want it to be me, I want it to be you."  He just gave me that look and said, "You may be the next Beth Moore."  My response, "But I want you to be the next Billy Graham."  First of all, I could NEVER be the next Beth Moore, those are some darlin' big shoes to wear and I don't have big enough hair (just kiddin' Beth.)  I use to struggle thinking Shane was being called into the ministry.  I remember my middle sister Tracey saying, "You are NOT a preacher's wife."  Never really knew what she meant by that??!!  I remember thinking "Gosh, I really don't want that responsibility, to be everything to everybody."  Little did I know, where Shane's ministry would take him and me.  Then I remember thinking, "Shane is going to come home one day and tell me he is putting up his calculator and going into the ministry full-time, moving me and the kids to Africa."  That thought didn't last very long, cause Shane hated to fly.  Our sweet preacher/friend has said more than once that Shane was a true evangelist.  That he had a way about him that many people don't have.  He could immediately start talking about Jesus but never make you feel uncomfortable, and he made you want to know more.  I pray that God will give me just a little bit of that gift.  Witnessing has never been my strong suit.  I'm always afraid I will say the wrong thing.  Shane, didn't care, he knew if he was talking about his Saviour he couldn't go wrong.  Anyway, I am anxiously, excitedly waiting to see what God wants me to do with this journey and my experience with Him.  I do want to share with people, His Grandness, His love, His sustaining power.  For if it wasn't for HIM, I would not be where I am today. 

I have shared my concerns with sweet Jane, that I may just get up there and have nothing.  She reassured me that it was ok if that happened.  I've also expressed that I may wake up that Saturday morning and it may be one of those days I am not real happy with God.  She reassured me that it was ok too.  I so want the Holy Spirit to fill me up to overflowing so that the words that come out of my mouth are not at all mine but His.  I remember Shane preparing for his sermons.  He would prepare, read me his notes, read them some more. He would later come from behind the pulpit and I would say, "that is not at all what you prepared for today."  He would smile and say, "those were not my words."  That is my prayer that it won't be DeAnn up there speaking but God using DeAnn as His vessel.  Lord knows, I don't want any glory, I so don't like spot-lights (except maybe on the dance floor).  But He knows I want Him to get all the Honor, Glory and Praise.  I haven't asked for prayers lately, so here goes...Please pray that the Holy Spirit would fill me up, that He will take away all hesitations, that He will give me each and every word that will only glorify HIM.  Pray that my God allows me to have "something" that day to share that would touch someone or many.  Pray that God will reveal what I am suppose to do with what He has given me.  Pray that I can live up to Shane's request that I "don't waste his cancer."  I know Shane is continuing his work at Home, now I need to finish what he started here.  Thank you God for allowing me to be a vessel for you, I sure don't want to let you down.  I want to bring Glory to you,  "I just want God to get the Glory."  Shane-March 30, 2010.

This is the verse that came up on Shane's phone through Christ notes, the very day he passed, But I don't place any value on my life, if only I can finish my race and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus of testifying to the gospel of God's grace. Acts 20:24  Coincidence?  I don't think so, just another wink from my Dear Heavenly Father.  Robin and I were talking about, yet, another tragic event yesterday.  She was texting me after I had texted her a big WHY? She told me she is doing a Beth Moore study on Revelations and that just Tuesday night she stated that we do not leave here, until God is ready for us too...until our purpose is complete, even though we may not understand it.  Robin said immediately she thought of Shane, his testimony was complete and perfect in God's plan though not ours.  Now I just have to find the purpose God has for me so that I, too, can complete my testimony and go HOME!!!!  Thank you for the prayers. D