The Ness's of My Life

This post is a biggie. I had the privilege of hearing a powerful,bold testimony from a fellow past church member. The whole night was titled "Transformed." Her testimony was of course, about the transformation that Gods love has had on her life. Without giving her testimony here in my blog I will say it got to me. As I listened to the way her transformation has affected/effected (never know how to use that one right) I became uncomfortable. As I listened I can recall times in my life that I've also felt the changes of His love-a transformation of sorts. When she spoke of how her prayer life had changed, her time in the Word had changed, her way of doing her job, her music she listened too had changed I could remember times like that as well. Key words---times like that. Another thing she spoke about was her passion had changed. Her passion use to be her job/sport but now it's Jesus Christ. I remember having that passion as well. Remember. Hearing that made me realize, this ones big, that I've lost my passion for Christ. This is usually the time of year that I feel most close to Him. As I remember His walk, for me, to the cross. As I remember what He did for me. This year is no different in me remembering, it's just this year, my passion, my zeal is gone. Why?? I'm not really sure. As I woke up at 3am this morning with all of this in my heart I had a sinking feeling and then a verse came to me. We all know it, and at times it's brought true comfort to me. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Ps34:18 as I thought about this verse and tried to pray about it I was thinking about these words, if He is close to the brokenhearted then why does He feel so far away?? Am I brokenhearted??? Yep, on a daily basis. Is my spirit crushed? You betcha-in more ways than one. So if those answers are yes then why? Why does He feel so far away?? Of course we all know that answer. It breaks my heart to admit it-but it's me. It's me that's holding Him, my Savior, at arms length. It's me that's pushed Him away. Why is this? Why have I done this and how did let myself get here?? Here comes the reason for this blog title. My only thing that I can come up with is the Nesses in my life (some of these are so grammatically wrong, not even words but stick with me here)..bitterness, brokenness, angry-ness, tiredness, sinfulness, loneliness, prayerlessness, churchlessness, busyness, stubbornness,  anxiousness, the list goes on. I know all this, I know that all of these things keep me from closeness with my Savior. These are the things that keep me passionless about my relationship with and for Him. How do I remedy all of these? Not sure-because they all go hand in hand. One feeds off the other. If I'm tired then I don't pray or read my bible, my anger and bitterness leads to a whole bunch more of Nesses in my life. Then all of these turn into guiltiness--guilty because I feel like I'm  living a big fat lie. Guilty because others see me as "strong" "faithful" "making it." When really, I'm a MESS. 
After the crowd was thinning I spoke with a friend that has some heavy stuff going on. Second time around of yuck in her life. As we spoke she said, "Girl, you're just stronger than me." I had to admit, as I sat down for this one, that no-I wasn't. I admitted that I was bitter, tired and didn't even feel like going to church. Hard to admit when someone just paid you a huge compliment about being strong. Hard to admit that I am as beat down as she is. Maybe moreso. Then I try to cover it all up with a smile and 'I'm good.'  Think we both had a feeling of -seriously?? It's hard to admit when others think you have it together when you really can't remember the last time you just sat down and had a heart to heart with Father. Yes, I still pray throughout the day, about this and that-but to actually remember when I sat down in true communion with my Father has been a really long time. When was the last time my arms didn't feel so heavy during worship that I couldn't raise my hands in pure adoration? When was the last time that I could wait to dive into the Word and not stop reading? When? All of this feels like I am writing the biggest confession. Is it? Yes. Judge me if you want, pray for me please. I'm tired of the Nesses that keep me separated from the One who saved me. Can I put my finger on the exact reason for all the Nesses in my life?? Yes...LIFE. Do I want to revive my passion? Do I want that sweet time with Father again? Do I desire with my innermost being to have encounters with my Savior as I did 4 years ago?? Yes! Yes! Yes! I told my friend that I still think God had me where I am for me to figure out that HE IS ALL I NEED!! She responded with, "but it is so hard." Yes girlfriend it is so hard-I struggle every day. Hoping and praying that this confession of sorts is the beginning of that realization. That my passion is revived. My Nesses fade away day by day, hour by hour. Loving that I have hope and loving knowing He is close to me even when the Nesses keep me far from Him. Judge me if you will but I would prefer your prayers instead. Best part of all this...SUNDAY IS COMING. 

Snow days

There is absolutely nothing I love more than SNOW. It's always amazed me at how just a simple act if nature can change our world-for a day, for hours.. I've loved it since I was a girl knowing snow would bring sweet days off from school, moms boiled egg sandwiches  for lunch in Between outings outside-skating on the lake, building snowmen. I loved waking up knowing there was snow still on the ground by the reflection of brightness coming through my window. When it snows even as a grown woman, I still love all of this. I woke up with the same feelings this morning when I realized there  was still lots of snow waiting for us. As I've become older, I appreciate how the  snow reminds me of how Gods hand can change things in the matter of seconds. As 2  of my 3 and I did our usual walk through the snowy woods yesterday- I thought of how the frozen water and all of its bright whiteness completely changes the usually dark, dirty woods. How the dusting made the trees look small under its weight. I appreciate how the snow even changes the sounds of my world. In place of loudness of everyday living the snows blanket makes things peaceful and quiet. When it snows I always make the kids stop in their tracks and just listen, listen to the quietness of it. I love how it makes our footsteps seem intentional, deliberate. I love knowing my Father has stored away each and every snowflake and knows just when our world needs to be changed. "Have you ever entered the storehouses of the snow or seen the storehouses of hail.." Job 38:22  Even though the snow causes havoc, like yesterday, God stores snow up to send down at the perfect time to send cleansing on His earth. Even when it's most inconvenient for us, when it leaves those we love stranded, when it causes us to question why now, when it causes us to not like our fellow drivers., when it causes us to question officials that make mistakes----God had this stored up for us, for this time for the exact hours.
As I say this, I have to ask  why would God want to cause such craziness? Why would He allow this? As I was awake last night worrying about a young lady stranded and a friends husband trying to make his way home to his family I had time to think of this. As I was thinking of how important it is for all of us to be prepared with emergency kits in our cars, to have plans for such days as this. It hit me!! Maybe, just maybe God stored this snow up for a specific purpose. And that purpose was to get His peoples attention. Maybe he sent this to not only remind us of his awesomeness-who can't look at this beautiful snow and not be reminded of how awesome our God is. But I think also He is giving us a warning of sorts. What's that warning???? BE PREPARED!!  Not necessarily   Being prepared for a snow storm, of being stranded on the road or having bread  and milk and how we think of being prepared  for days like this. But maybe He is warning us to be prepared--prepared for Him. He's reminding us that He has things stored away for each of us, each of us as individuals just as He has stored  each snowflake away for a specific time. One day all of us will be surprised  by a pure whiteness, pure can't even fathom beauty- not of the froze precip type but of our Savior coming. There won't be a forecaster to predict it, a computer model that will reveal it but a God that knows the exact hour, He's trying to get our attention through circumstances like this-warning us to be prepared.
Is your heart right? Do you desire the "bread" of life ? Remember the feeling yesterday of not having control over our situation as the snow began to fall and we frantically scrambled to get our children, to get to our homes??  You can have that control-you just have to turn to Him-the one that controls it ALL.
Continuing to pray for those stranded and separated from loved ones. Praying we all enjoy Gods beauty as we don't often experience it. Hoping you all see the Holy Spirit  in the  pureness of the snow. Now off to enjoy this--before it melts away.

Grief---the every day, smack dab in the middle of life kind.

Grief-is defined as a deep poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement. Cause of such suffering; an unfortunate outcome. 

When I started this blog a few years ago it was going to be about the ins and outs of grief.  The process of moving through grief and the different stages.  Needless to say, I am still learning about this process and the stages of grief.  I assumed that losing a spouse would be the most significant kind of grief.  I still believe that.  I started "grieving" long before Shane ever passed. I've said before that I started grieving our lives as we knew it before chemo, pain meds, catheters, puke buckets, doctors visits, needle sticks, hospital stays, bad news after bad news.  I grieved a man that was full of life and desired to be a part of every aspect of his kids lives.  I still grieve that.  The difference was I had him to grieve all of that with.  He grieved with me.  We were smack dab in the middle of the crappiest part of our lives...but he was with me to do so.  I guess that may be the hardest part of this whole grief process, having someone to go through it with me, that truly understands.  Yes, I have my 3.  They, as children, grieve differently than I.   They are responsible for their own grief, but me, I feel responsible for mine and for theirs.  I try to guide them the best way I know how to deal with it.  I admit, holidays are hardest.  Starting in November we grieve more because of Shane's birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I told a fellow widow the other day that I would have rather not decorated this year but with the kids, I needed too.  I explained to her that this year while unpacking the decorations it felt like I was unpacking one. memory. at. a. time.  Each ornament placed on the tree was an ornament that has some significance to our lives together or now our life without him.  As Miss M would bring home a homemade piece of artwork, ornament, poem how I thought about the desire to share it with her daddy.  Yes, 4 years later the grief is still raw, comes in waves, and you just never know when it will bring you to your knees, stop you in your tracks. I dread taking the decorations down.  Always have.  Always seems I am packing away such a happy time of year, getting ready for a new year.  This year I dread it even more.  As I unpacked one. memory. at. a. time. I will be packing them back up into bins for yet another year.  Ebbs and flows. 

For some reason I was thinking about how I have always hated the "new year." I blogged about it either before Shane passed or after, time runs together.  I've always fought depression at this time of year.  All the anticipation of Christmas- the love, joy, hope, family time, different routines, slowing down and especially the anticipation of Jesus.  Then the 26th comes and its back to normal, pack up the joy, hope, anticipation and the "new year' smacks me in the face.  I HATE change.  I even hate changing the date from 2013 to 2014 on checks, etc.  Hate it.  Always have, always will.  I find myself dreading the changes that come with a 'new year'- one more year closer to my kids growing up and away from me, a year of me getting older, a year of changes-good or bad.  I was thinking that in a way I have always been in a state of perpetual grief. Grieving change even as a youngster.  This past year I have grieved changes with my children, one growing into a man, one heading into puberty and my youngest going off to "big" school. I grieve each and every day she gets out of the car with tears in her eyes. I grieve the fact that she has now lived longer without her daddy than with him.  Each passing year takes memories a little further away, a little more distant.   I've grieved a new relationship coming to an end and with it relationships with a wonderful family, and the wonder of if I will ever be loved again.   I've grieved with others as they watch their marriages disintegrate. I've grieved the fact the babies in my preschool class are walking, giving up bottles, growing up.  Silly, I know, but I grieve these things.  I grieve for neighbors that spent Christmas in the hospital with their son, after what was suppose to be a surgery to help him but has changed him, even if for a while. I grieve for an old friend that has just received the news that there is nothing more they can do for her husbands cancer.   I grieve the fact that there is a tiny girl just beginning her battle with cancer.  I grieve for an acquaintance that has recently lost her husband, which was also her only family. Know it all sounds gloom and doom, and some days it feels that way.  Most days, however, the grief turns to joy. Somehow.  Somehow, the grief of the every day, the grief of the smack dab in the middle of life turns to joy.  The fact that I am able to watch the changes in my children-their growth, their tears, the changes they face brings me joy most days.  The fact the we even HAVE memories of Shane to share in the middle of every day.  The fact that Miss M had just a little time with him.  I find joy that for a short time I found joy in a relationship.  I found joy that God let me know that my heart was not in such disrepair that I couldn't feel love for someone.  That my heart is big enough to allow others in.  I find joy in knowing that I can talk to those who are hurting and let them know...I know how they feel.  I find joy in seeing a mom's faith play out while she watches her son work so hard at rehab to become himself again.  I find joy in knowing that a tiny girl will beat cancer and live to tell about it. I find joy in knowing that God allowed me to endure the past few years so that I can surely help my old friend facing the same that I've been through.  And joy that her husband knows exactly where he is going and finds joy in that.  I find joy that the acquaintance that recently lost her husband has reached out to me because she knows I can relate. Joy through grief.  It can happen.  I'm proof.  Yep, some days you can see me and I may be full of gloom, doom and yuck.  But most days you will find me smiling through it.  We all grieve. Some have big reasons to be in the process.  Some, like me, pre-cancer, pre-death of spouse, grieve the every day, smack dab in the middle of life stuff.  Some are grieving the big stuff, death, divorce, sickness, but we all do grieve.  Question is-- what we do with the grief. Do wallow, drown in it? Feel sorry for ourselves, feel helpless? Or do we pull ourselves up with the help of others and God?  Thankfully, I choose the latter- I grieve with the help of others and God. I pray that JOY helps you grieve even in the big and small stuff.  As you reflect on the past year and the upcoming year I hope you chose JOY in the every day, smack dab in the middle of life kind. Happy New Year!!
  " The Joy of the Lord is my Strength"(Neh 8:10)-- through my grief.

Thankful for...

Thanksgiving 2009. Didn't seem to have much to be thankful for. Just a few weeks before a large mass showed up in Shane's left lung. We didn't yet have a clear diagnosis, we knew it was cancer of some sort but were not clear on treatments, prognosis the like. We moved through the motions of day to day life, as much as a family can, knowing things were not near as perfect as they once were. We continued to do "Thanksgiving" and found comfort in being with those that loved us the most. Thankfully, my mom (Mimi) wanted a "thankful" tree. We cut leaves out of construction paper and asked those there to write what we were thankful for. The kids had sweet things like-macaroni, sleepovers, God and family. The adults had things a little more meaningful...family, salvation, time together. I remember reading what Shane wrote-he required the BIGGEST leaf, we all joked that he wrote a book. I remember then being touched beyond words but time has away of erasing meaningful times. Fast forward to today, the day before Thanksgiving 2013. My mom brought out the thankful turkey we did in about 2006, with out thankful's written on the turkeys wings stuck strategically in a pinecone and then the thankful leaves from 2009 were on her kitchen table. I was flipping through them wanting to read what I wrote-found it. It was something like-thankful for God, thankful for the suffering we are experiencing thankful because I was feeling the presence of God like never before. Reminded me of my feelings then and how I truly was thankful for the suffering never really knowing where the suffering would take me. Never knowing the outcome, knowing in November of 2009 there was still hope. 

Then I spotted Shane's oversized leaf. I was sitting with my mom and a friend from church around her kitchen table and read it aloud. 

I just had told a fellow griever that this year was a year I didn't really feel like being Merry and Bright-how I wished I could close my eyes and wake up and the holidays be over. Then I read the leaf. A leaf that was a love letter of sorts 4 years later to my children and me. A reminder of what I was thankful for then and what I am thankful for now. I was blessed and still consider myself beyond blessed to be loved by Shane. He taught me much. He loved me much. That- I am thankful for. I have it written on a thankful leaf. A love story written by a dying man on construction paper. I am thankful for love letters, reminders, and written notes I can share with my 3.

If if you can't read it from the picture this is what it says::

Thankful for: 

My children as they are beautiful in all ways and allow De and I to understand the Father/child relationship,with God.

Thankful for the Body of Christ as they have shown me mercy, love, compassion and faith.

Lastly I am thankful for my cancer. It has shown me what really is important. It has shown me the love of my family and friends. But most of all it has shown me just how much in love I am with my wife. And how special the relationship with Jesus Christ is.

Angels Among Us

Pardon any errors- this is being typed on my phone

Don't you just love how God will confirm something? I sure do! Example---I've often thought a person in my life may just be an angel. I've known her for a bigger part of my life. I met her when I was dating my high school boyfriend~sigh.  She worked with and was good friends with his mom. We spent time together at the lake, going to watch him play football etc. She probably thought I was just a love struck silly teenager---I was. Anyhoo-he ended up breaking my young heart into a million and one pieces-cause that's what first loves do. She and I lost touch until a few years later. While I was attending tech school I started working for her sister as her shampooer, is that a word?? My sister also worked here. That was probably my most favorite job ever-I was working for the real live Truvie from Steele Magnolias.  It was hard work but you got to know and love most of the clients cause of processing times etc. This particular angel in question would come on our late nights and we would talk, catch up on life. We all always had a great time and even though it was for a short time I learned lots from these ladies and their experiences and our times together. Seriously-there were times when I felt I was living out a scene in Steel Magnolias--best summer job EVER.  My hands didn't like the job so much, so it was a short run. Luckily, since my sister worked there I would still run into this angel in disguise. Years later I became neighbors with her niece which has been a longtime friend of mine. Small world, same circles. Needless to say she's known my story, watched it play out and has been one of the ones that has kept me covered in prayer. She is one of those that during the darkest times a note of encouragement would arrive, a book was sent that I still pick up for encouragement. As years pass we communicate through Facebook, through our small circle of friends, sisters, nieces. She's just one of those, for lack of a better word, neat people. Always smiling, the perfect sense of humor and the right words always. She's continued to be one of my biggest encouragers, reads my blogs and nonsense on Facebook. It was not a surprise to see her pop up on my Facebook messages. But what I read was a surprise. She had sent me a link for an opportunity of a lifetime. Something I would have never dreamed of being able to do. She told me she thought I needed to look into it and she would help me anyway she could. She even offered to keep my 3 crazy kids for me to be able too. This opportunity would allow me to spend a weekend with one of my favorite authors, speaker, God-loving funny ladies, she is a favorite Women of Faith speaker. My first experience with Women of Faith mesmerized me and this lady was part of that. I laughed, I cried, and fell in love with Jesus all over again that weekend. This opportunity is for those that need to be encouraged to use what they have-for either writing, speaking, teaching, ministering. All things I am extremely interested in. Its a weekend at her home, doing what ladies do- chatting, eating, chatting, shopping, eating and the best part-talking about Jesus and what we can do for Him. I clicked on the link while the house was quiet, imagine that-a quiet house-one of the perks of school. She had a video explaining the title of the session. There it was---about the third clip--BAM--God spoke to me through her. She said something like, "God wants to use you right where you are, not later, not when you have time, not when things are better but right now." Tears filled my eyes-that's what I needed to push myself to go. As some of my bible study sisters know one of the things I struggle with is being stagnant. I say stagnant because I feel like I'm stuck. Stuck between wanting to use what I've learned, lived and been given and stuck knowing time is precious with growing children, do people care what I have to say, and would I fail? I've been told I would know when the time is to use what I've learned and His time would be perfect. So as I wait on Him for opportunities, for Him to equip me for whatever it is He wants of me I will be proactive and visit this wise funny lady for encouragement for when the time is right. Plus I get to do my favorite things with one of my favorite people. Excited!!
Back to my angel in question. I messaged her back and told her I had paid my deposit but the next session and the next session were all booked so I would have to wait until the second session of 2014.  Which is fine with me-gives me something long range to look forward too. She told me that she was glad I registered and that she would leave some money to help out when she went to see her niece the next day. Of course I said thanks but no thanks I could take care of it. Fast forward to this afternoon when her niece/my friend brought over an envelope. After I came in I sat down to open it. Yep, you guessed it-she sent me money anyway. More than enough to cover the weekend expenses. I read the card. She describes being nudged by God and how she needed to act on it and that she was upset that she ignored the nudge the first time or I would be going to the session that will be held in November She wrote that I too needed to pay attention to this nudge. As I held the money and the card the tears started and the kids didn't know what to think. I was able to tell them how sometimes blessings show up in the oddest of ways. I told them what the money was for and they could not believe someone would be so generous. I couldn't believe it either. See? I knew she was an angel long ago. She just has that way about her, I knew it even as a silly teenager. Lesson for everyone-you never know how god will use those we meet, years from now, tomorrow, today. I can't wait to see where this all ends up. But for now I'm able to fall asleep tonight that there are sweet angels that walk among us and sometimes it's someone you've known for a really long time. You just never know. I'm thankful for her heart, her acting on nudges from her Father. I have a feeling this is gonna be a life changer. I can't wait to sit on this ladies porch, soak up her wisdom and then come home and share it all with my confirmed angel. Thank you again-means the word

Some Things I've Learned...

If there is one blog post that I hope you take the time to read of mine, or time to share with a friend -this may be just the one. I was asked not too long ago if I had given any consideration on speaking on the business side of things I have learned in the midst of losing a spouse. I’ve thought about it and if I am any kind of friend at all to those who read this blog I should share some of the things I have learned during the battle of cancer, the death of Shane and the aftermath. Some will be touchy, some will be personal, but all things I share are very important. So here is my list in random order, pretty much listed as they come to mind.

1. This one may just be the MOST important. I learned this at an early age, but didn’t truly live it… Have a TRUE relationship with Jesus Christ. By relationship, I mean, not just a church-going, sometimes praying, sometimes reading the bible relationship. I’m talking about total dependence on God. I still struggle with this daily, the total dependence thing, I continue to want to take my life by the reins and do it my way. At the time of all this- there was no inner strength but only the strength given to me by my God. Thankful I had a relationship with Him and knew He was the only way. I’ve shared before how I was convicted just a month before Shane’s diagnosis, by a Francis Chan book. He asked the reader to think of why you had never asked the Holy Spirit to dwell inside of you, why you had not if you haven’t. I found my notes after Shane’s diagnosis and the one that stood out that I had written was that I was scared of where the Holy Spirit may test me. Even though I was scared at that moment of conviction I did ask the Holy Spirit to truly dwell inside of me. I thank my Father for that day of conviction because I would have never had strength on my own to endure the next few months or the past 3.5 years. So friends---get that relationship straight and right with God, not tomorrow, but now. I love this… When you are a Christian it’s not IF bad things will happen but WHEN. If you’re not a Christian- God help you, I can’t imagine going through what we endured without the love, promises, peace, strength and comfort of my Heavenly Father.

2. Never take one single day for granted with the ones you love. Make every single day count even in the small things. Make sure you tell those you love you love them and make sure you show them in endless ways. The way you speak to them, the way you treat them, the way you look at them. Time passes fast. Make everyday count. You are never promised tomorrow so make every day as if it were your last. Thankfully, Shane and I had a short period of time when we knew what was inevitable so we were able to tell each other things that we knew each needed to hear. Thankful for that time, but so wished there had been more time to share…to this day I would love to tell him some things I didn’t get too. I know so many that have lost a loved one tragically, when they left that morning thinking their loved one would return home as usual, and they didn’t. MAKE EVERY DAY COUNT.

3. LIFE INSURANCE. Thankfully Shane was a smart man and had purchased life insurance. There is never enough life insurance. If your spouse is just covered by their employers---buy more. The premiums stink but the advantages are countless. I’ve had my financial advisor tell me that I would not believe the amount of people that don’t purchase life insurance; they think they will never need it. Some very smart business people in our town think they will not need it and it’s a waste of money. WHAT?? Ummmm, last I checked we all are going to die sometime. Be prepared. If you love your family, then take measures to make sure they will be taken care of when/if you have to leave. Hard to put a dollar amount on a person’s life but thankfully Shane loved us to pay those premiums and insure that we are somewhat taken care of.

4. Never think you will not wind up in the ‘system.’ By that I mean, Social Security, food stamps, government insurance for kids. I will never forget sitting in the Social Security office looking around thinking “what am I doing here?” just a few short weeks after Shane passed. Realizing how many times I had looked down on those in the “system.” There I was. Thankfully, there is such a thing (SSI) that helps me with monthly expenses with the kids. I’m also in the process of applying for government funded insurance for the kids. Insurance premiums for our health insurance are through the roof. If it’s there, and we are eligible why not?? As much as I hate waiting on that monthly check from the government…I am one of those waiting on that check.

5. Know your spouse’s business. When I say that I mean more ways than one. If you just know how much their income is, you don’t know enough. You need to be aware of EVERYTHING. Income, benefits, insurance, legal matters. Ask questions, have things in writing.

6. Chose an attorney you trust and get a Will…TODAY is not soon enough. Thank goodness Shane and I implemented a Will when Jake was a baby. I talk to so many that don’t have one. WHAT???? Again, if you love your family what better way to show them by taking care of them when you are not here and able to tell them what they expect. In this Will make sure you name someone that you love, trust and that they feel the same about you and your children. Chose someone that will raise your children as you would if God forbid something were to happen. Make sure they know they are being named and agree to do just that…love your children and raise them as you would. Tell those you choose important information- attorneys name, safe deposit box information, bank accounts, etc. Make sure you have a l living will as well. Don’t make your spouse make a decision like that. Sit down and talk about what is expected if the unthinkable should happen. Don’t let the lack of preparedness make you live in question of making a decision on your own when your spouse can’t communicate what they want.

7. Surround yourself with people you can trust. Thankfully Shane was thoughtful and smart enough to ask a dear brilliant friend to watch over matters with me. When he knew what may happen he set up several meetings with her. She is business savvy and he knew she would explain things to me in layman’s terms would guide me lovingly and help me with matters that I was not familiar with. I still depend on her 3 years later and I would not have made it without her. Those first few months when the world seemed to be spinning out of control she kept me grounded, made sure she reminded me of what needed to be taken care of. What banks to call, what accounts to close etc. Shane had shared with her what he expected. He knew if he told me that I would be way overwhelmed so he told her and she guided me. What a tremendous help!!!! Just another way he showed me how much he loved me even after he was gone. He knew Gina McD would take care of me and so he entrusted her with business matters. Have someone in your life that can do that for you.

8. Make sure you are co-owner of accounts. 3 years later I just went round and round with the credit card company about this. I had a question on a charge on the credit card that Shane and I had both used since 2003. They proceeded to tell me that I was just an authorized user. Even though I had continued to use this card for 3 years, charging and paying off balances and always in good standing – they couldn’t tell me about a charge?? No, they needed to speak to the primary owner, Mr. Richardson. What What?? Yep, when we opened the account, Shane not thinking in a few short years he would no longer be here just had me on the account as an authorized user. Good in some ways-I could not be held responsible for any unpaid balances etc. However, even though I was the only user for 3 years post his death I lost all credit for paying off balances and being in good standing. Stinks. Anyway, if you and your husband have a credit card together, be a co-owner, not an authorized user.

9. Have a support system. Can’t say enough about this one. Thankfully, most of my family leaves here. Don’t know what I’d do without them. Even though I have become more independent I still need them. Especially on those nights when mama’s puking, passing out in the middle of the night and my 3 are clueless on what to do. I continually call on them to help transport children when I can’t be 2 places at once. I can call them when I’m just having a terrible, horrible, really bad day. Always have someone you can call on…even in the middle of the night. This also includes KNOW your neighbors. They are always willing to help, if you don’t know them how are you going to call them when you may need them. Hence…when there’s a huge wasp nest that needs to be sprayed at 10pm. When you think there is a possum in your garage, etc. The list is endless. Know your neighbors and have a good relationship with them.

10. Install an alarm system if you don’t have one. We had one installed years before Shane passed, but didn’t use it too much when he was here. Now, it makes me and my 3 feel safe at night, just that little extra security makes for a better night’s sleep for all of us.



11. Trust NO ONE---- when it comes to money. All I’m going to say about that.

12. Learn how to do things on your own. I have to admit I was spoiled. I would call on Shane for everything. I remember calling him home from work just to kill 2 wasps when we first moved into the house we are in. He came when I called but now it’s up to me. I have learned to check oil, change air filters, fix garbage disposals, fix slow toilets, change garage door lights, put up Christmas tree, kill spiders, unclog drains. The list goes on. I still call on my dad for many things but proud to say I’m learning. Learn them now before you have to.

13. Go to the doctor. Get your boobies, ovaries, blood, head, eyes, teeth- everything checked. Keep everything checked out and running. What good are you if you are not in tip top shape?

14. Give it up!!! Yep, I said it. When they want it, give it to them because one day they may not be around. The less I say the better off I’ll be. Just do it!!!!!

15. Put your husband first. Oh my, how I wished Id listened when people would tell me that. Instead, I was like-Oh, he’ll be around when the kids are not. Well, he’s not. How I wished I could do some things over. Thankfully, he was like me and loved being with the kids as much as me, so we both were guilty- we put them before each other. We did do occasional date nights, but not near enough. Again, why put off till tomorrow what you can do today. Refer to #14!!!!! Guys-thank me later.

16. Take photos, videos like you never have. These things are priceless when memories grow dim. How we love to pull out those videos just to hear his voice and see his smile. Technology is awesome, so use it.

17. If you are in financial debt…GET OUT now. Thankfully my accountant husband always lived way below his means. When others our age were buying houses 10 X the size they needed we kept our modest one, when people were trading cars like baseball cards we drove ours for a while. Thankfully, we were both pretty frugal and I’m so thankful for that. No debt, no worries.

18. Have everything in writing….everything. Again, Shane and I had time to make plans for things others never dream about talking about. Luckily, he was able to tell me what he wanted for burial etc. He told me what he expected for his service, we picked out his casket, he asked to be buried in a certain place, etc. He told me who he wanted as pallbearers, who he wanted to speak at his service and what he wanted to be said. Do it together now, so you don’t have to do that alone. Can’t imagine having to do that without him. Never thought we would have had to have that conversation but we did. Last I checked one day you will too. Do it together and write it all down.

19. Make sure where your spouse is spiritually. If your spouse is not a Christian….work hard on that-never stop praying about it and seeking wisdom from God on how to open up those conversations. One of the ways I get through each day is the fact that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will see Shane again. If you love your spouse make sure they know Christ-if not their last breath will be the last you see of them. Same for kids. Start praying for their salvation today. What a tragedy if you don’t get to see your children again in eternity. Same for other loved ones, friends. You can’t save them but you can show them how Jesus can.

20. Do what you love, love what you do. I’ve already starting telling my 3 this motto. IF you love what you do, like Shane did, then it’s never a job, it’s always a joy. Luckily, I get to do what I love, and I now love what I do. Children, love em.

21. I’ve been known to say these horrible words, “Sounds like someone needs some cancer in their lives so they know what real worry is.” I know it’s horrible but when I hear people worrying about petty things- it literally crawls up under my skin and sucks me dry. Seriously, the things I hear people worry about and things that take up space in their minds and mouth really irks me. Sadly, it’s mostly moms with way too much time on their hands. I say that comment because, seriously, once you are faced with dealing with cancer on a daily basis those petty things are well, just petty. GIVE me a break. Try worrying about how many times your husband is going to puke in 1 hour. Try worrying about what the next scan is going to show, try worrying about how many days you may have left with him. There is a poem about what cancer cannot do, well I am here to tell you…Cancer can---put things in to perspective and cancer can make the things of this world petty. So while I hate the disease and what it has done to me and my kids—I am thankful that it has given me a new perspective on things in life. Are the things you are griping and complaining about REALLY that important?? Place yourself in the shoes of people dealing with deadly diseases---cause it can happen to you too.

22. Make sure your couple friends are just that…friends. I just texted a thank you to a dear friend just the other day telling her how I have never told her how I appreciated her and her husband’s continued friendship. I told her that death, like divorce, causes friendships to fade away. Once one part of the couple is gone friendships just disappear. Maybe it’s the awkwardness, the void, who knows. Even though the other half of the couple is not here doesn’t mean the one left is any different. If you are a friend to one dealing with death or divorce, be a friend even if the other half of the couple is not around. Don’t make the person grieve lost friendships too. This couple, true friends, have continued to include me and my 3. Even though it’s lopsided, they still invite us over, and seem to enjoy our company even though part of us is gone. IF they are truly friends, it won’t matter that part of the couple is missing. Choose your friends wisely.

23. NEVER think it won’t happen to you. Death, divorce, sickness, financial ruin---it’s an equal opportunity employer. These things don’t care how much money you make, what house you live in, what country club you belong too, where your kids go to school, where you go to church, who you are. Satan is out to kill, steal and destroy---- he is just waiting to destroy you too. I never dreamed my husband of 15 years would die in 5 short months of an unknown cancer, I never dreamed I would be a 44 year old widow and my children would grow up fatherless, not even in my worst nightmares did I dream this. Here I am!!! So I share these 23 things I’ve learned, there is sooooo much more I could share, and I may, but for now hope this helps and hope some of these are added to your to-do list. Don’t wait-thankful that God allowed me and Shane time to do some of these together but I have fellow widows and widowers, divorced friends that I think would tell you they didn’t have the time to prepare. So do it today, there is no time like the present.

Please share this with any and all. I hope my experience will help someone, anyone. Hoping God allowed me to go through this so that I may help someone find Him be prepared. Hope what I have learned is not in vain, but can be used.

Filling the Gaps

Filling the Gaps
Ever feel like your heart is in 1 million pieces?? I can't really describe it-just a feeling of discontent, confusion, aggravation, longing. There's just lots of things around me that are making me feel this way. Can't put my finger on just what it is. There's just "stuff." Stuff like---seems every day someone else I know and care for is being told they are about to start the battle of their life with cancer. For the last few months seems as if someone I know, not just distantly, has been diagnosed with this disease. Living through some of that battle-my heart breaks into some of those million pieces. One of these that has been given the diagnosis is one of my mom's oldest friends, not in age but in years. This lady was the one my mom depended on as a young mother to keep me when needed. She was probably the only one I would stay with--I was a little attached to my mom. I haven't seen her in years but when my mom told me about her recent diagnosis-my heart sank. Needless to say-on a recent trip to wal-mart who did I run in too-but her. Molly, as usual, had to check out the bathroom and when we were walking out we literally ran right into her. We started talking and of course the talk included her diagnosis and her surgery she would be having the next day. She seemed strong and ready to face it head on. Ironically, even with our age differences we have something in common...we are both widows. I asked her if she had someone to go with her to her surgery and she told me ALL of her kids were going. Love it. We both agreed, however, that going through something like this without the one you love--sure stinks. She reminded me that her beloved had been gone 23 years---23 years??? And she still had the sparkle in her eye for him.
Later, when I had time to think about our conversation I couldn't get the fact that 23 years had gone by. She, too, has 3 children, and those children, 23 years later were filling in the gap for their daddy. I pray that my 3 will continue to fill in the gap for Shane-even 23 years from now. Even in knowing her children surrounded her- a few days later, when the bandages are gone, her stamina is back-she will again, crawl in bed alone-with only her memories of him. She doesn't have him to tell her thoughts to, if she's scared, if shes in pain, those intimate conversations you have late at night, and she doesn't have him to wake up to in the morning. As much as family fills in the gaps there are some gaps that just can't be filled. But...as I was talking to my mom about her dear forever friend-mom told me that in talking about the diagnosis, and her upcoming surgery she shared with my mom that she had the "Good Lord" on her side. He fills the gaps, even the ones our family can not fill and even the ones that our beloved can not fill.
I'm still in the place of trying, desiring and praying for God to be all I need. To know that even 23 years from now-should I still go to bed and awake alone that He is all I will ever need. I read a woman's post on a "widow" support group just yesterday of how it was the 2 year mark that her husband had been gone and how she wasn't ready for a relationship, when and if she would be-but how she desired one thing---human touch. That may be the hardest thing of all-just having your love to hold you and remind you that things would be ok. Even during Shane's weakest moments when he struggled to even speak-his reassuring touch could propel me through for just a few more hours-reminding me that we/I could do this. But that was when he was still here. Its truly amazing how just a touch from someone you love can be such reassurance. That may just be the hardest-the lack of human contact. When I know that God is and will be enough for me-I still miss the reassuring touch or hug. Don't get me wrong-I get plenty from 2 of my 3 children, one is just way too cool to even think about touching me-he cringes at the thought:)---but there's just something about the touch of the one you love.
For those of us that wake up alone, go to bed alone--whether its divorce, death, or just a loveless marriage--I pray that God fills the emptiness. That even though the intimacy of contact is missing-that He provides the love, peace and comfort to propel you through your day, another hour, another trial. That you feel His presence in the celebrations of life, the devastation's. I pray for you, and myself, that we know beyond anything --that Jesus is enough and even though we can't "touch" our Savior we can feel His love for us. I pray that knowing that once we finally make it to see Him face to face-His embrace will make up for all of the times without our beloveds touch. That holding His scarred hands will erase the loneliness that any of us have ever endured here. Allow us to feel You Father -touch our souls and to fill any and all gaps in our lives-reminding us that You are enough, all that we need. In Jesus Name, Amen.