Today has been a bit bittersweet. The stress of knowing May 18th(would have been our 15th wedding anniversary) was coming up made me feel yucky along with many other things. Seems to be so much hurt floating all around me, just worldly stuff, divorce, financial issues, job loss, sickness, betrayal, time and energy suckers, just real world life. While I've reflected so many times through the years about May 18, 1996, how perfect it was, magical, happy, everything I had ever dreamed a wedding would ever be with a man I dreamt of all my life. It almost seemed unreal, and life just got better and better. Our marriage was not perfect by far, but we were perfect for each other. We built our life together, God gave us amazing babies, things continued to work out.
Then.
I.
Woke.
Up on April 4, 2010. While the bitterness is sometimes unbearable I so try and focus on the time Shane and I had together. Yep, I still feel cheated for the time that I don't get to spend with Shane, but I truly am so thankful for the time we had, short but wonderful. I will say it again, we had something some search a lifetime for and so thankful I was allowed to experience it.
I usually spend my time with God at night when we all are settled in and kids are quiet. For mother's day I purchased the kid version of my new devotional for the kids. I told them I wouldn't be a mother without them, so happy mother's day to them. I usually read mine then read theirs, I did tonight and for some reason their version spoke to me more than mine. Here is part of
what it said...
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. Is 55:9
"I gave you an amazing mind. With it you can think great thoughts and dream great dreams. But My mind is infinitely bigger and more amazing. My thoughts contain all of creation and the universe, all of the past, present and future. And because I understand all things and all times, My thoughts and My ways are different from yours.
Life can be like a box of puzzle pieces--with the box top missing. When you look around at your life, all you can see are the pieces. But I see the final picture. I know how all the pieces fit together. I know how to join together all the jagged pieces of hurts and disappointments, plus the smooth pieces of victories and joys.
Trust My timing and My ways. Trust Me to fit all your pieces together into a wonderful life. And trust Me-at the end of your life-to lead you home to heaven."--Jesus Calling
After I read it aloud to the kids, Jake in his adult fashion said, "wow mom, that's perfect for you today, being yours and dad's anniversary." I had to agree. Yep, my life to me looks like a bunch of pieces and right now can't imagine the other half being any better than the first. Even though I don't agree with some of the pieces He has given me I think I will continue to trust the One who had it mapped out long before I was conceived. He loves me and He knows what my "puzzle" looks like complete. He knows me so well that He gave me a wonderful reminder when I picked up my Papa Stanley devotion...for May 18, titled-Supreme Love, based on 1 Corinthians 13. This happens to be the scripture read on our wedding day, the scripture Shane based his last sermon on, and the exact scripture that I had placed on our headstone. Coincidence? No way, He loves me like that and He consistently gives me these little reminders.
Thank you dear God for the time I had with Shane, the lessons I continue to learn from him, the 3 blessings I call our children, thank You for assuring me that no matter how hurtful this world is I have the assurance of living eternally without hurt or pain, thank You for allowing me to know what being loved in this world is all about and more importantly allowing me to experience daily, Your Supreme love, because the greatest of these is LOVE. Amen
Grief will be my friend until one day someone grieves for me-~DeAnn
Good Grief
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
God is Good---Not just some of the time but--- ALL OF THE TIME
A friend and I were having a conversation the other day and she mentioned that she had been doing some "deep" thinking. She said she gets really tired of recieving emails/updates on people that are going through something and when things are not good they just ask for prayer but when things are good they end the email/update with "God is Good." She said it made her stop and think why some do that. When things are bleak are not so good why don't they end it with "God is Good" instead of just ending good news stories that way. I agreed and said yep, He is good all the time, not just some of the time, or half of the time, but all the time. I told her she needed to reply to the bleak news with God Is Good all of the time and maybe they would get the hint. I have since reflected on that conversation over and over. I thought about it one day this week when I had heard of a dear friends news of her cancer recurring after 4 years. Even though I was highly ticked at God ( I think He is use to me getting mad at Him now, but He is bigger than me so He most assuredly can take it), I thought of it when I heard of another young lady "winning" her battle of cancer and how her kids now have lost, not 1, but both parents to this stinkin' disease. How, even though, they are college age, they are now orphans. The most recent time I thought about it was on a morning walk this a.m. As most of you know our neighborhood (which has to be the best hood to live in in Rome, awesome neighbors, kids, community) was hit pretty hard by the recent storms. As I was dodging piles of debris in the road and looking at houses having to be rebuilt, our neighborhood clubhouse fence demolished and just the destruction all around, I thought how good He really is even amoung this. In all of the destruction only hearts were broken but no bones, no injuries. As I was rounding the corner of one of the streets, with Shane's praise music coming through my earplugs from his Ipod, a sparrow (amazing I know) almost flew right into me. I had to smile, I love how God is humerous like that. Literally, a sparrow, I know it was a sparrow because of the way his wings looked, when he flew up away from me. I immediately started singing in my head "His eye is on the sparrow, and He watches over me..." (even when MercyMe was ringing in my ears)
It scared him as much as it did me. I'm so thankful that God's Spirit has let me be open to receiving such small reminders of just how good He really is. Even in the midst of heartache, much pain, destruction of tangible things and destruction of hearts and spirits He continues to be the very same God. He is the very same God that miraculously knits babies in their mommies wombs, He is the same God that places rainbows in the sky after storms, and lets the sun rise the day after, the same God that created one of my most favorite things... the ocean, He heals people daily, restores us secondly, loves us unconditionally. Yes, He is the same God that flooded the earth, allows tornadoes to destroy, allows cancer cells to invade bodies, doesn't allow some to have those babies knit in their womb, He allows things that we don't like-BUT- He does this to benefit us, grow us and grow His kingdom. So no matter how bleak or how wonderful things are please please please remember that God is Good and He is Good ALL of the time, not just some of the time, part of the time, a fraction of the time, but ALL the time. Open your eyes and hearts so you can see it.
1 Oh give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; for His lovingkindness is everlasting (Psalms 107:1).
19 How great is Thy goodness, which Thou hast stored up for those who fear Thee, which Thou hast wrought for those who take refuge in Thee, before the sons of men! (Psalms 31:19).
5 Afterward the sons of Israel will return and seek the LORD their God and David their king; and they will come trembling to the LORD and to His goodness in the last days (Hosea 3:5).
ALL THE TIME!!
1 Oh give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; for His lovingkindness is everlasting (Psalms 107:1).
19 How great is Thy goodness, which Thou hast stored up for those who fear Thee, which Thou hast wrought for those who take refuge in Thee, before the sons of men! (Psalms 31:19).
5 Afterward the sons of Israel will return and seek the LORD their God and David their king; and they will come trembling to the LORD and to His goodness in the last days (Hosea 3:5).
ALL THE TIME!!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
The hours after and Day Before
I have always loved Holy Week. Now, after last year, this week has taken on a whole new meaning. The days remembering Jesus' ride into Jerusalem, the day He shared the Passover with his disciples, the night in the Garden of Gethsemane, His beating and finally the crucifixion should make a Christian very uncomfortable. They do me, realizing exactly what He endured for me. For some reason today I woke up with something on my heart that has never occurred to me. I watched a little of Passion of the Christ last night and have been watching my favorite, Jesus of Nazareth. When I woke up this morning I couldn't help but think of those that watched all of this unwind in front of their eyes. I can hardly stand the thought of what if I had been there to watch it all unfold. I watched for the 3rd time in horror how they depicted Jesus brutal abuse and the crucifixion during Passion of the Christ. I can't help but hurt and cry every time I see it. For some reason this year the thoughts of being there watching it is almost unbearable. My thoughts carry me to the hours of the crucifixion watching Jesus cry out, " Eli, Eli, Lama Sabacthani?" "My God, My God, why has Thou forsaken Me?" Knowing full well, that I too, would have been having my doubts, wondering why He couldn't save himself, wondering why He let it get this far, if He was, indeed, the Son of God. Also, thinking He continues to cry out to His Father while being crucified and questioning all of that. Then I think of what I would have felt had I watched Him take His last breath. After witnessing death last year I can honestly say that its something you don't forget, not that Shane's death was anywhere near the brutalness of Jesus. However, seeing someone you love take their last breath is something that is embedded in your mind.
I can only imagine how the Mary's and his followers felt... helpless. I know I did watching Shane. Knowing full well what the outcome was but not being able to do anything to stop or make things better for the one enduring the suffering. I can only imagine, as a mother, the strength Mary had to keep from climbing up on the cross to hold her Son as she watched Him leave her.
Then I think of all of those that had doubted and accused Jesus. I can only imagine how they felt experiencing the veil of the temple being torn from top to bottom and experiencing the earth quake
and watching tombs open, and Saints raised. All the while realizing, that when a common man dies, these things do not happen. I can almost feel their embarrassment and their shame, almost like when you are told something is going to happen and you totally dismiss it. The feeling of wishing you had believed and knowing there is absolutely nothing you can do to change things now. I think of how Mary Magdalene must have felt when she went to tell the disciples what Jesus had told to share with them after seeing Him, how they probably looked at her like she was a little bit crazy. Almost like some of the looks I receive when I tell people the story of Shane's last 10, they want to believe it but its hard too when you were not there. Finally, knowing how His 12 must have felt when He finally appeared to them. Imagine the embarrassment and guilt they must have felt by not believing that everything He had been telling them was true. I can just hear John saying while hitting his hand to his forehead 3 times..."stupid stupid man I am, He told me that this would happen and I sooooo thought He was crazy, even though I watched Him perform so many miracles, raise people from the dead and I still didn't believe Him." I chuckle a little when I think of the men walking to Emmaus (Luke 24: 13), how they must have felt when realizing this man that they were talking and walking with and discussing was Jesus Himself. One of those duhhhhh moments.
All brings me back to present day. Jesus has put it all out there for us all to either believe in Him or deny Him. As I think of all these feelings all of those probably felt watching the crucifixion and the hours after, or should have felt, I think of those that continually deny who He is today. I can not even imagine what those will be feeling when He comes back and some are left behind. Then, it will be too late to hit their head 3 times and say, "Dang, I should have believed and accepted Him when I had the chance. Now I will have eternity in Hell to beat myself up for not believing in Him."
My sister recently sent me an article by Max Lucado and his thoughts on the realness of hell, you can read it here...http://www.maxlucado.com/articles/excerpts/hells_supreme_surprise. She said she thought I would enjoy the end of the article where Lucado compared the death experiences of a believer and a non-believer and how she thought of Shane's final 10. He said that the unbeliever was an atheist and wanted no mention of Jesus even on her deathbed. He mentions how at the end of her life she was heard by her family while barely conscious and talking to someone only she could see, "You don't know me? You don't know me?" she asked. Was she talking to Jesus? Maybe she was wishing she had paid attention to Matthew 7:23 "I never knew you; depart from me." Then I think of Shane and his total belief in Jesus Christ and how he unashamedly proclaimed his love for Him and how, during final 10, saw peace, eagerness and willingness to enter in to Heaven's door. Shane never had to ask, "You don't know me?" when he came face to face with Jesus.
So today, the hours after Good Friday and the hours before Resurrection Sunday, I pray that those that question and deny who HE is, will come to know Him and I pray that I can show someone Who HE is through something I say or do. It will be me who is ashamed and wishing I had done differently if I don't share the Good News that HE LIVES!!!! Praying that all of us that do believe in Him are remembering in what he endured for you on the Cross and will be rejoicing in knowing that HE LIVES, indeed. Hallelujah and Amen!!
I can only imagine how the Mary's and his followers felt... helpless. I know I did watching Shane. Knowing full well what the outcome was but not being able to do anything to stop or make things better for the one enduring the suffering. I can only imagine, as a mother, the strength Mary had to keep from climbing up on the cross to hold her Son as she watched Him leave her.
Then I think of all of those that had doubted and accused Jesus. I can only imagine how they felt experiencing the veil of the temple being torn from top to bottom and experiencing the earth quake
and watching tombs open, and Saints raised. All the while realizing, that when a common man dies, these things do not happen. I can almost feel their embarrassment and their shame, almost like when you are told something is going to happen and you totally dismiss it. The feeling of wishing you had believed and knowing there is absolutely nothing you can do to change things now. I think of how Mary Magdalene must have felt when she went to tell the disciples what Jesus had told to share with them after seeing Him, how they probably looked at her like she was a little bit crazy. Almost like some of the looks I receive when I tell people the story of Shane's last 10, they want to believe it but its hard too when you were not there. Finally, knowing how His 12 must have felt when He finally appeared to them. Imagine the embarrassment and guilt they must have felt by not believing that everything He had been telling them was true. I can just hear John saying while hitting his hand to his forehead 3 times..."stupid stupid man I am, He told me that this would happen and I sooooo thought He was crazy, even though I watched Him perform so many miracles, raise people from the dead and I still didn't believe Him." I chuckle a little when I think of the men walking to Emmaus (Luke 24: 13), how they must have felt when realizing this man that they were talking and walking with and discussing was Jesus Himself. One of those duhhhhh moments.
All brings me back to present day. Jesus has put it all out there for us all to either believe in Him or deny Him. As I think of all these feelings all of those probably felt watching the crucifixion and the hours after, or should have felt, I think of those that continually deny who He is today. I can not even imagine what those will be feeling when He comes back and some are left behind. Then, it will be too late to hit their head 3 times and say, "Dang, I should have believed and accepted Him when I had the chance. Now I will have eternity in Hell to beat myself up for not believing in Him."
My sister recently sent me an article by Max Lucado and his thoughts on the realness of hell, you can read it here...http://www.maxlucado.com/articles/excerpts/hells_supreme_surprise. She said she thought I would enjoy the end of the article where Lucado compared the death experiences of a believer and a non-believer and how she thought of Shane's final 10. He said that the unbeliever was an atheist and wanted no mention of Jesus even on her deathbed. He mentions how at the end of her life she was heard by her family while barely conscious and talking to someone only she could see, "You don't know me? You don't know me?" she asked. Was she talking to Jesus? Maybe she was wishing she had paid attention to Matthew 7:23 "I never knew you; depart from me." Then I think of Shane and his total belief in Jesus Christ and how he unashamedly proclaimed his love for Him and how, during final 10, saw peace, eagerness and willingness to enter in to Heaven's door. Shane never had to ask, "You don't know me?" when he came face to face with Jesus.
So today, the hours after Good Friday and the hours before Resurrection Sunday, I pray that those that question and deny who HE is, will come to know Him and I pray that I can show someone Who HE is through something I say or do. It will be me who is ashamed and wishing I had done differently if I don't share the Good News that HE LIVES!!!! Praying that all of us that do believe in Him are remembering in what he endured for you on the Cross and will be rejoicing in knowing that HE LIVES, indeed. Hallelujah and Amen!!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Lessons Learned & Still Learning
Before I start with my thoughts I will let everyone know that we did make it through the 1 year anniversary of Shane's passing. Again, the days up to the day were worse than the actual day itself. Actually, Sunday, April 3rd was a very GOOD day. The whole weekend actually was. Started it off on Friday night with a girl's night out of sorts, a sweet friend came back in to town and we had dinner, we all pretty much got kicked out of the restaurant. Seems that's what happens when you don't get "out" much. Saturday was spent doing the baseball thing then out to eat with family & friends. We camped out in honor of Shane. Before going to sleep I set my phone to wake me at 2:45. I thought I would wake up, read the scripture that was read for Shane while he entered Heaven. The peace that was over me can only be described as the same peace that covered me this time last year. Not real sure what I thought I would feel at 2:45 a.m. but when I woke up, I was exhausted, I prayed until going back to sleep. I think God knew that if I opened my bible that it may be just too hard to relive what happened exactly 1 year ago. So instead, He let me peacefully sleep. I did however, wake up again at 4 with Shane on my mind. Ironically, I felt joy knowing Shane had been with his Savior for 1 year. Knowing he is as busy there as he was here. I can just imagine how he loves it. Shane's friend that was with us, that happens to be our neighbor, the one that read the scripture for him last year, decided he too, wanted to be up at that time. He chose to sit on his front porch with a cup of coffee and spend a little time in John again. He said it was ironic how our golden rretriever Buddy, barked at 3:00 a.m. just as he did last year at that time. I jokingly said he must have a keen sense of the Holy Spirit seeing how He was here last year and obviously here again, watching over me and giving me restful sleep. Not sure what I thought I would feel waking up on Sunday morning, I did have moments of recollection on what I felt last year, which was hard. Went to church, lunch, then out to Berry for our own kite flying day. When we first got there and was looking at how beautiful the day was Jake said, "I think this day was ordered by daddy." I wholeheartedly agreed. Shane would have loved a Sunday like that. Just relaxing with family and friends at one of his favorite places. We did make it, but I will say like I say often when someone ask how I am..."Still Sux, Kids are good." Even after 1 whole year it still really sux.
Now on to lessons learned. Yesterday, as I was leaving Wal-mart, I saw a man that I have seen before. He stands on the corner of the parking lot with a sign that reads something like...Have Cancer, need work. I read the sign before I ever got to him then had to stop right beside him. I couldn't even look him in the eye. When I drove on I was appalled at myself. Here I was with a car full of groceries with time to spare before picking up Lil' Curl and I drive right by him without even looking at him in the eye. One of those times when your soul gets all stirred up but you still just trudge on through your day. My day went on, picking up kids, baseball games, etc and I didn't give it much more thought. Fast forward to Wednesday morning bible study. Guess what the chapter was on...MERCY. While we discussed the real meaning of mercy and how God continually shows us mercy my mind took me back to yesterday. I dropped the ball on showing that man some mercy. Me, of all people, that has been showered with mercy galore this past year by the Father and by the body of Christ, drove right by an opportunity to show a little mercy to someone. Instead of rolling down my window and asking his name to tell him I would willingly pray for him, I sat and judged him (which I found out today is the contrast of mercy.) I sat and thought all the things most would think...Does he really have cancer? Why don't he just get a job instead of panhandling on the street? Is he just wanting his fix for the week? I brought this up this morning and we discussed it, how I shouldn't condemn myself for it, how to know when the Holy Spirit is urging you on and how to know if its me or the Holy Spirit. With me writing this I know it still bothers me, not really about this particular man but everyday situations. How much more mercy could I be showing to others? One of my favorite lessons that I learned from Shane happened right after he was diagnosed with cancer. I blogged about it you can read it here http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/shanerichardson/journal/15.
A part that I didn't blog about the girl I mentioned wrote about it here for the Redmond Regional Surviving to Share, she actually won the essay contest http://www.romenews-tribune.com/view/full_story/9842929/article-Surviving-to-Share--2010? see Casie Payne. Anyway, it was one of those days that Shane showed so much mercy to complete strangers. When he told me to write a check out to them I was not being as obedient as he was. I was so reluctant thinking about ourselves, thinking about all the bills we were going to have to pay with chemo, meds, doctors and all. He was steadfast and I could tell he wouldn't be talked out of it. I remember how he not only showed them mercy by also truth. Also learned today that one is no good without the other. You can give mercy all day long but without truth its no good. I also remember him praying out lout in the parking lot for this sweet girl. I was amazed at him praying for someone else with the news we had recently received. Casie and her husband will tell you today that they were forever changed by Shane's mercy that day. I encountered so many times Shane showing mercy to others. He got it! He knew that God showered him with mercies new every morning and that he should do the same. Finally, I am getting it too! Not to say that I will be always willing, that's still a work in progress. Hopefully, I can be more like Christ and less like me. I thought about what Jesus would have done yesterday, He would have looked the gentleman right in the eye, gave him a smile, that I can't wait to encounter, and he would have prayed with him on the spot. He wouldn't have cared if he REALLY had cancer, if he was needing a fix, or what someone might think by being seen talking to him. He would have pulled over (or kicked his sandals off) and showed an abundance of mercy. He would have showed no judgment, no self-righteousness, no embarrassment, just mercy. Small word with lots of meaning. I've been looking up some scripture on mercy tonight and Matthew 25:34-45 is fitting. http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2025:%2034-45&version=MSG. WOW!!
Needless to say, I have some work to do. I need to show more mercy as a mom, friend and as a stranger. To close I was just doing my Papa Stanley (aka Charles Stanley) devotion for the night, even though it was on a completely different subject, it still hit home..."We are His body-His eyes, ears, voice, feet, and hands-pointing others to Him." -Charles Stanley. See, when we show a little mercy we flash a big neon arrow to HIM!!
Now on to lessons learned. Yesterday, as I was leaving Wal-mart, I saw a man that I have seen before. He stands on the corner of the parking lot with a sign that reads something like...Have Cancer, need work. I read the sign before I ever got to him then had to stop right beside him. I couldn't even look him in the eye. When I drove on I was appalled at myself. Here I was with a car full of groceries with time to spare before picking up Lil' Curl and I drive right by him without even looking at him in the eye. One of those times when your soul gets all stirred up but you still just trudge on through your day. My day went on, picking up kids, baseball games, etc and I didn't give it much more thought. Fast forward to Wednesday morning bible study. Guess what the chapter was on...MERCY. While we discussed the real meaning of mercy and how God continually shows us mercy my mind took me back to yesterday. I dropped the ball on showing that man some mercy. Me, of all people, that has been showered with mercy galore this past year by the Father and by the body of Christ, drove right by an opportunity to show a little mercy to someone. Instead of rolling down my window and asking his name to tell him I would willingly pray for him, I sat and judged him (which I found out today is the contrast of mercy.) I sat and thought all the things most would think...Does he really have cancer? Why don't he just get a job instead of panhandling on the street? Is he just wanting his fix for the week? I brought this up this morning and we discussed it, how I shouldn't condemn myself for it, how to know when the Holy Spirit is urging you on and how to know if its me or the Holy Spirit. With me writing this I know it still bothers me, not really about this particular man but everyday situations. How much more mercy could I be showing to others? One of my favorite lessons that I learned from Shane happened right after he was diagnosed with cancer. I blogged about it you can read it here http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/shanerichardson/journal/15.
A part that I didn't blog about the girl I mentioned wrote about it here for the Redmond Regional Surviving to Share, she actually won the essay contest http://www.romenews-tribune.com/view/full_story/9842929/article-Surviving-to-Share--2010? see Casie Payne. Anyway, it was one of those days that Shane showed so much mercy to complete strangers. When he told me to write a check out to them I was not being as obedient as he was. I was so reluctant thinking about ourselves, thinking about all the bills we were going to have to pay with chemo, meds, doctors and all. He was steadfast and I could tell he wouldn't be talked out of it. I remember how he not only showed them mercy by also truth. Also learned today that one is no good without the other. You can give mercy all day long but without truth its no good. I also remember him praying out lout in the parking lot for this sweet girl. I was amazed at him praying for someone else with the news we had recently received. Casie and her husband will tell you today that they were forever changed by Shane's mercy that day. I encountered so many times Shane showing mercy to others. He got it! He knew that God showered him with mercies new every morning and that he should do the same. Finally, I am getting it too! Not to say that I will be always willing, that's still a work in progress. Hopefully, I can be more like Christ and less like me. I thought about what Jesus would have done yesterday, He would have looked the gentleman right in the eye, gave him a smile, that I can't wait to encounter, and he would have prayed with him on the spot. He wouldn't have cared if he REALLY had cancer, if he was needing a fix, or what someone might think by being seen talking to him. He would have pulled over (or kicked his sandals off) and showed an abundance of mercy. He would have showed no judgment, no self-righteousness, no embarrassment, just mercy. Small word with lots of meaning. I've been looking up some scripture on mercy tonight and Matthew 25:34-45 is fitting. http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2025:%2034-45&version=MSG. WOW!!
Needless to say, I have some work to do. I need to show more mercy as a mom, friend and as a stranger. To close I was just doing my Papa Stanley (aka Charles Stanley) devotion for the night, even though it was on a completely different subject, it still hit home..."We are His body-His eyes, ears, voice, feet, and hands-pointing others to Him." -Charles Stanley. See, when we show a little mercy we flash a big neon arrow to HIM!!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Amazing Love-Continued
Today is the 30th and the overwhelming dread hovers over me. I try an make things as normal as possible for me and the kids but just knowing what faces us is hard. I spoke with a sweet friend this morning at Bible study that has lost both her mom and dad and we were talking of the "death" anniversary. She told me that she has found that the anxiety and dread before the actual date is worse than the actual "day" itself. I completely get that. After bible study I was able to have lunch with a dear dear friend that was a tremendous encourager, helper this time last year. I enjoyed our time together and her insight on the whole matter. While there I spotted a sweet acquintance, that unfortunately, lost her husband yesterday of last year. I had to get my arms around her. Bless her, she had her tray in one hand, bag in the other and I pretty much tackled her. She doesn't know me that well, or my enthusiasm so she probably thinks I am a freak of some kind, it was just really good to see her. I have had her on my heart so much these past few days. Even the memory of receiving that news this time last year puts me right back. Funny how God had us at the same place, same time today.
Please pray for her.
Anyway, I know I am suppose to finish what I started so here goes.
I ended Monday with the statement about all of "this" being a love story between a man, a woman and their Heavenly Father that loved them. Please let me clarify what I mean. I knew what I wanted to say on Monday but so glad I didn't finish because today while having lunch with "D" I realized exactly what I meant about it being a love story. In talking with her about what is going on in my head and heart I, again, said "Why this happened, I don't know." She quickly answered, "I know why, because look where you are now." I have said all along that Shane taught me how to really love through our relationship. I can't even put into words how much I love that man, probably more now, than this time last year. I could write forever on how much. However, the greatest thing he ever gave me and taught me was how to really love GOD. What is more precious than that? What can a husband give his wife any better than that???? There is nothing in this world that I would ever trade for that. Even better still, he gave my children that same gift. Albiet it will be up to God to write out their testimonies, but Shane showed them how to really love Christ. Could he have done this for the children and I here, in the flesh?? Of course he could have! Would we have received it as intended? Probably not. What we were able to witness was what true FAITH, HOPE and LOVE in Christ is really all about. This whole love story was written out by the same God that created Heaven and Earth, that placed each star in the sky, the same God that has my name, Jake, Sam & Molly's name written in the palm of His hand, He wrote the scenes of this love story before I was even placed in my mother's womb. He knew that Shane would endure this, did he endure it for me and the children and many others? I believe with my whole heart and soul that he did and would do it over again if asked. The best part of this love story is the love that our Heavenly Father has for us. The same peace that covered and surrounded me this time last year, I am experiencing again at this very moment. Things may be different for me come Sunday, but He is the same God as He was this time last year and I have confident faith that His presence is here just as It was last year. I find comfort knowing He has taken care of us and He won't forget us now. His love never changes or waivers due to circumstances, He loves me the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow. If I could edit the story I probably would just so I could continue my life on with Shane as I would have written it, but this is not my story, its Gods, and I have full confidence in knowing He is a better writer than me. I am just thankful for the chapters I was able to share with Shane and all that I learned, I look forward with anticipation when I get to the last page and see The End so I can place this book on the shelf and open up a new one that's entitled "Welcome HOME!!"
Please pray for her.
Anyway, I know I am suppose to finish what I started so here goes.
I ended Monday with the statement about all of "this" being a love story between a man, a woman and their Heavenly Father that loved them. Please let me clarify what I mean. I knew what I wanted to say on Monday but so glad I didn't finish because today while having lunch with "D" I realized exactly what I meant about it being a love story. In talking with her about what is going on in my head and heart I, again, said "Why this happened, I don't know." She quickly answered, "I know why, because look where you are now." I have said all along that Shane taught me how to really love through our relationship. I can't even put into words how much I love that man, probably more now, than this time last year. I could write forever on how much. However, the greatest thing he ever gave me and taught me was how to really love GOD. What is more precious than that? What can a husband give his wife any better than that???? There is nothing in this world that I would ever trade for that. Even better still, he gave my children that same gift. Albiet it will be up to God to write out their testimonies, but Shane showed them how to really love Christ. Could he have done this for the children and I here, in the flesh?? Of course he could have! Would we have received it as intended? Probably not. What we were able to witness was what true FAITH, HOPE and LOVE in Christ is really all about. This whole love story was written out by the same God that created Heaven and Earth, that placed each star in the sky, the same God that has my name, Jake, Sam & Molly's name written in the palm of His hand, He wrote the scenes of this love story before I was even placed in my mother's womb. He knew that Shane would endure this, did he endure it for me and the children and many others? I believe with my whole heart and soul that he did and would do it over again if asked. The best part of this love story is the love that our Heavenly Father has for us. The same peace that covered and surrounded me this time last year, I am experiencing again at this very moment. Things may be different for me come Sunday, but He is the same God as He was this time last year and I have confident faith that His presence is here just as It was last year. I find comfort knowing He has taken care of us and He won't forget us now. His love never changes or waivers due to circumstances, He loves me the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow. If I could edit the story I probably would just so I could continue my life on with Shane as I would have written it, but this is not my story, its Gods, and I have full confidence in knowing He is a better writer than me. I am just thankful for the chapters I was able to share with Shane and all that I learned, I look forward with anticipation when I get to the last page and see The End so I can place this book on the shelf and open up a new one that's entitled "Welcome HOME!!"
And now these three remain...Faith, Hope and Love, but the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:13
Monday, March 28, 2011
Amazing Love
Today is March 28th and we have dreaded this week for sometime now. I can hardly put into words what is going through my head so I can't imagine what is going through the kids heads. I have openly talked about the 1 year anniversary of Shane's passing with the kids. I was first planning a beach getaway but then we couldn't pass up a week with the grandparents over spring break. I talked about how we were going to escape for the day. As I don't want to focus on the 3rd as a day of dread it has been recommended by many to escape. Although we can leave on that day, we can't escape the reminders of day to day. When we came home from the beach a week ago I couldn't believe how the green grass and our pear tree outside our bedroom window made me go right back to last year. Baseball games are just beginning for the boys as they were last year at this time. The temperature, the rain, the smells all take me back to this time last year. How do you escape that??? I can't even imagine being here on the day before and the day of the 2nd and 3rd. I told a friend just the other day that I can't know what I will be feeling as the days draw nearer but I do know I have this overwhelming feeling of dread, much like I had this time last year. The only thing different this year is I know what the outcome is. I also have that overwhelming feeling of joy and peace that I also experienced last year. Strange how devastating grief and extreme peace go hand and hand right now. When those memories come streaming back of the oxygen running, medications, Shane slowly becoming too weak to talk with me, the constant people coming and going in my house I try and cancel them out with the memories of the love that surrounded us, the peace from my Father and the presence we experienced the days leading up to and that early morning. I have to be honest, there have been times this year that I didn't want life to go on. I have yearned to go to that same place that Shane is now, I have yearned for Jesus to come and get me and the kids, then something will remind me of how Shane expected us to live on. I continue to get to see how much Shane really loved me and how he continues to love me. Just when one of those days comes along that I could care less about living I may receive a letter from one of his dear friends about a conversation that they had with Shane over lunch. I can see that Shane knew the inevitable may happen and that he was planning out who to tell what- knowing that they would share it with me. One friend wrote that when they were saying good-bye, on what was to be their last lunch together, how Shane paused and said, "If this doesn't turn out good for me, tell DeAnn how much she meant to me." I just received that letter in February. God knew I didn't need that letter back in April when Shane's love for me was still fresh, He knew I would need it almost a year later. He also knows how that one single bird in the morning singing his morning song, always makes me smile and makes Molly say, "Good Morning Daddy." God also knows that the red cardinal (which I think is the one that sings his morning song) that sits on a branch right outside my bathroom window reminds me of Shane and gives me so much comfort. Just like the night of the 3rd last year when I dreaded getting in our bed without him how a bird sang a little song at 10ish, which made me smile and gave me the strength to lay my head down and rest, I could put money on it that its the same bird.
While I thought this past year would be unbearable I have to say we have come a long way. God has everything to do with that. When I look back now to this time last year it amazes me that I was not crouched in a corner with my hands over my eyes and ears shouting "I can't do this." It amazes me that I was a functioning human being taking care of the human being that I loved the most. It amazes me that we planned plots, caskets, a funeral. It amazes me that Shane and I continued to enjoy each other immensely, that he continued to make me laugh and cry in an instant. It amazes me that even though he knew he was dying he took the time to make sure I knew how much he loved me. I have to say it was a love story that could not have been played out better in a great novel or movie. It was not just a love story of a man and a woman but of a man, a woman and their Heavenly Father and His love for them. "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love!" John 15:9 To be continued....
While I thought this past year would be unbearable I have to say we have come a long way. God has everything to do with that. When I look back now to this time last year it amazes me that I was not crouched in a corner with my hands over my eyes and ears shouting "I can't do this." It amazes me that I was a functioning human being taking care of the human being that I loved the most. It amazes me that we planned plots, caskets, a funeral. It amazes me that Shane and I continued to enjoy each other immensely, that he continued to make me laugh and cry in an instant. It amazes me that even though he knew he was dying he took the time to make sure I knew how much he loved me. I have to say it was a love story that could not have been played out better in a great novel or movie. It was not just a love story of a man and a woman but of a man, a woman and their Heavenly Father and His love for them. "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love!" John 15:9 To be continued....
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Forgiveness
Well it’s back to reality for me and the kiddos. We enjoyed a week at Ft. Morgan AL last week with Shane’s mom and dad. They treated us to a sweet house on the beach, oceanfront. I have decided I need a shack, house, trailer on the beach for my respite. They wanted this trip to be for us, and it was just that. We all had a wonderful time. Extremely bittersweet, the drive down was the exact drive we took so many times with Shane, 11 times to be exact, the restaurants we ate at, the ice cream place we stopped at, the grocery stores, all were just reminders and memories. When we went to Orange Beach the memories hit Jake pretty hard and seeing him hurt made me hurt and all that hurt made Shane’s mom hurt. Jake realizes that this is just all a part of the healing process. He even said himself that next time we are there it won’t be quiet so hard. It was a time of healing and making new memories all at the same time. I struggled being there without Shane, it was our favorite place to vacation with our little family. Each child visited there as tiny babies and the last time we were all there was 2 years ago. The day I was packing and getting the boys golf bags ready to go, it slammed me in the face that they should have been planning to play golf on vacation with their daddy. Something he couldn’t wait to do. He was not like me in the sense that sitting on the beach from sun up to sundown got a little mundane so he was looking forward to when he and the boys could play golf together. I have to say I was looking forward to that day too, hoping Molly would be like her mom and love the beach from sun up to sundown. Don’t get me wrong I am so thankful that Paw Paw, aka Big D, was willing to take them but it still should have been their daddy.
Before we left I decided to get the book my sister had recommended to read. I decided to read it while I was there because the author is from Orange Beach and the story took place in the area. The book is The Heart Mender by Andy Andrews. I highly recommend this book. It is a true story and has just enough history, suspense to keep you from wanting to put it down. The main reason it kept me captivated was the whole theme of the book…forgiveness. As I got to the end of the book I was on the beach with the kids and of course my kids can detect tears a million miles away now, so Jake asked me if I was crying. Yep, I was and this time it was because of a dang book. As rare as it is, that day my kids were ready to head in and did so with Shane’s mom, aka Pooh. So I finished the book without interruption and then had ample time to sit and think about it. Again, the whole theme of the book is about forgiveness. While I watched dolphins splash by, and watched the sun go deeper I started thinking about what I needed to forgive. I thought I had forgiven God for taking Shane away, but when I really think about it, I don’t think I fully have. Then I thought about a conversation I had just had the day before on the beach with a gentleman that shared with me that his wife had a terminal disease and probably had about 2 years to live. He was telling me he completely understood what I had been through and hated to know that he was going to know what it felt like for his spouse to pass. He asked me if I had fought with being mad at Shane during his sickness. This conversation made me ask myself did I and had I forgiven him and myself? So many times I wanted to yell at him to FIGHT!!!! I wanted him not to give up, I wanted him to fight this stinking disease. While I know from the pit of my heart that he did absolutely nothing to be forgiven by me I know I need to purge this and get it out there. I also realize that I need to forgive myself, for beating myself up for thinking I could have done so much more, more time, more patience, more understanding, just more. I had time to sit and think about all the forgiveness that I needed to take care of in my life.
Now, fast forward to my Wednesday morning bible study, what was it on today???? Yep, forgiveness. Just like God to put it right there so He would make sure that I was going to deal with it and not let it just wash out with the waves of the gulf. Our leader hit it home when she answered her own question of, “What do we usually need to forgive?” She answered, “Sometimes don’t we have to forgive what our circumstances are?” She got a loud Amen on that one from me. That was it. I need to forgive God for what I have been handed. We talked about how God forgives us and what makes a person think we are so much better than Him, to think we can’t forgive. We are not even close to who HE is, so why do we think He should forgive us if we can’t forgive others. I almost could hear a loud slap on my hand from my Father. So as I finish this post I ask you, what do you need to forgive? Something small, something huge, something trivial, something that seems almost unforgivable, something you have to dig really hard inside to pull out, or something you just don’t want to let go of?? By not forgiving someone it will steal so much joy that God has promised us. We also talked about how unforgiveness will also drive a huge wedge between you and God. I challenge you to dig it up, purge it, let go of those grudges and hurts and forgive whatever it is. Life is too short!! God forgives us so easily why can’t we be like Him and forgive as easily??? Are you better than HIM?? I can answer that with a big fat NO! I am going now to settle some things of my own.
Before we left I decided to get the book my sister had recommended to read. I decided to read it while I was there because the author is from Orange Beach and the story took place in the area. The book is The Heart Mender by Andy Andrews. I highly recommend this book. It is a true story and has just enough history, suspense to keep you from wanting to put it down. The main reason it kept me captivated was the whole theme of the book…forgiveness. As I got to the end of the book I was on the beach with the kids and of course my kids can detect tears a million miles away now, so Jake asked me if I was crying. Yep, I was and this time it was because of a dang book. As rare as it is, that day my kids were ready to head in and did so with Shane’s mom, aka Pooh. So I finished the book without interruption and then had ample time to sit and think about it. Again, the whole theme of the book is about forgiveness. While I watched dolphins splash by, and watched the sun go deeper I started thinking about what I needed to forgive. I thought I had forgiven God for taking Shane away, but when I really think about it, I don’t think I fully have. Then I thought about a conversation I had just had the day before on the beach with a gentleman that shared with me that his wife had a terminal disease and probably had about 2 years to live. He was telling me he completely understood what I had been through and hated to know that he was going to know what it felt like for his spouse to pass. He asked me if I had fought with being mad at Shane during his sickness. This conversation made me ask myself did I and had I forgiven him and myself? So many times I wanted to yell at him to FIGHT!!!! I wanted him not to give up, I wanted him to fight this stinking disease. While I know from the pit of my heart that he did absolutely nothing to be forgiven by me I know I need to purge this and get it out there. I also realize that I need to forgive myself, for beating myself up for thinking I could have done so much more, more time, more patience, more understanding, just more. I had time to sit and think about all the forgiveness that I needed to take care of in my life.
Now, fast forward to my Wednesday morning bible study, what was it on today???? Yep, forgiveness. Just like God to put it right there so He would make sure that I was going to deal with it and not let it just wash out with the waves of the gulf. Our leader hit it home when she answered her own question of, “What do we usually need to forgive?” She answered, “Sometimes don’t we have to forgive what our circumstances are?” She got a loud Amen on that one from me. That was it. I need to forgive God for what I have been handed. We talked about how God forgives us and what makes a person think we are so much better than Him, to think we can’t forgive. We are not even close to who HE is, so why do we think He should forgive us if we can’t forgive others. I almost could hear a loud slap on my hand from my Father. So as I finish this post I ask you, what do you need to forgive? Something small, something huge, something trivial, something that seems almost unforgivable, something you have to dig really hard inside to pull out, or something you just don’t want to let go of?? By not forgiving someone it will steal so much joy that God has promised us. We also talked about how unforgiveness will also drive a huge wedge between you and God. I challenge you to dig it up, purge it, let go of those grudges and hurts and forgive whatever it is. Life is too short!! God forgives us so easily why can’t we be like Him and forgive as easily??? Are you better than HIM?? I can answer that with a big fat NO! I am going now to settle some things of my own.
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