Today is March 28th and we have dreaded this week for sometime now. I can hardly put into words what is going through my head so I can't imagine what is going through the kids heads. I have openly talked about the 1 year anniversary of Shane's passing with the kids. I was first planning a beach getaway but then we couldn't pass up a week with the grandparents over spring break. I talked about how we were going to escape for the day. As I don't want to focus on the 3rd as a day of dread it has been recommended by many to escape. Although we can leave on that day, we can't escape the reminders of day to day. When we came home from the beach a week ago I couldn't believe how the green grass and our pear tree outside our bedroom window made me go right back to last year. Baseball games are just beginning for the boys as they were last year at this time. The temperature, the rain, the smells all take me back to this time last year. How do you escape that??? I can't even imagine being here on the day before and the day of the 2nd and 3rd. I told a friend just the other day that I can't know what I will be feeling as the days draw nearer but I do know I have this overwhelming feeling of dread, much like I had this time last year. The only thing different this year is I know what the outcome is. I also have that overwhelming feeling of joy and peace that I also experienced last year. Strange how devastating grief and extreme peace go hand and hand right now. When those memories come streaming back of the oxygen running, medications, Shane slowly becoming too weak to talk with me, the constant people coming and going in my house I try and cancel them out with the memories of the love that surrounded us, the peace from my Father and the presence we experienced the days leading up to and that early morning. I have to be honest, there have been times this year that I didn't want life to go on. I have yearned to go to that same place that Shane is now, I have yearned for Jesus to come and get me and the kids, then something will remind me of how Shane expected us to live on. I continue to get to see how much Shane really loved me and how he continues to love me. Just when one of those days comes along that I could care less about living I may receive a letter from one of his dear friends about a conversation that they had with Shane over lunch. I can see that Shane knew the inevitable may happen and that he was planning out who to tell what- knowing that they would share it with me. One friend wrote that when they were saying good-bye, on what was to be their last lunch together, how Shane paused and said, "If this doesn't turn out good for me, tell DeAnn how much she meant to me." I just received that letter in February. God knew I didn't need that letter back in April when Shane's love for me was still fresh, He knew I would need it almost a year later. He also knows how that one single bird in the morning singing his morning song, always makes me smile and makes Molly say, "Good Morning Daddy." God also knows that the red cardinal (which I think is the one that sings his morning song) that sits on a branch right outside my bathroom window reminds me of Shane and gives me so much comfort. Just like the night of the 3rd last year when I dreaded getting in our bed without him how a bird sang a little song at 10ish, which made me smile and gave me the strength to lay my head down and rest, I could put money on it that its the same bird.
While I thought this past year would be unbearable I have to say we have come a long way. God has everything to do with that. When I look back now to this time last year it amazes me that I was not crouched in a corner with my hands over my eyes and ears shouting "I can't do this." It amazes me that I was a functioning human being taking care of the human being that I loved the most. It amazes me that we planned plots, caskets, a funeral. It amazes me that Shane and I continued to enjoy each other immensely, that he continued to make me laugh and cry in an instant. It amazes me that even though he knew he was dying he took the time to make sure I knew how much he loved me. I have to say it was a love story that could not have been played out better in a great novel or movie. It was not just a love story of a man and a woman but of a man, a woman and their Heavenly Father and His love for them. "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love!" John 15:9 To be continued....
Grief will be my friend until one day someone grieves for me-~DeAnn
Good Grief
Monday, March 28, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Forgiveness
Well it’s back to reality for me and the kiddos. We enjoyed a week at Ft. Morgan AL last week with Shane’s mom and dad. They treated us to a sweet house on the beach, oceanfront. I have decided I need a shack, house, trailer on the beach for my respite. They wanted this trip to be for us, and it was just that. We all had a wonderful time. Extremely bittersweet, the drive down was the exact drive we took so many times with Shane, 11 times to be exact, the restaurants we ate at, the ice cream place we stopped at, the grocery stores, all were just reminders and memories. When we went to Orange Beach the memories hit Jake pretty hard and seeing him hurt made me hurt and all that hurt made Shane’s mom hurt. Jake realizes that this is just all a part of the healing process. He even said himself that next time we are there it won’t be quiet so hard. It was a time of healing and making new memories all at the same time. I struggled being there without Shane, it was our favorite place to vacation with our little family. Each child visited there as tiny babies and the last time we were all there was 2 years ago. The day I was packing and getting the boys golf bags ready to go, it slammed me in the face that they should have been planning to play golf on vacation with their daddy. Something he couldn’t wait to do. He was not like me in the sense that sitting on the beach from sun up to sundown got a little mundane so he was looking forward to when he and the boys could play golf together. I have to say I was looking forward to that day too, hoping Molly would be like her mom and love the beach from sun up to sundown. Don’t get me wrong I am so thankful that Paw Paw, aka Big D, was willing to take them but it still should have been their daddy.
Before we left I decided to get the book my sister had recommended to read. I decided to read it while I was there because the author is from Orange Beach and the story took place in the area. The book is The Heart Mender by Andy Andrews. I highly recommend this book. It is a true story and has just enough history, suspense to keep you from wanting to put it down. The main reason it kept me captivated was the whole theme of the book…forgiveness. As I got to the end of the book I was on the beach with the kids and of course my kids can detect tears a million miles away now, so Jake asked me if I was crying. Yep, I was and this time it was because of a dang book. As rare as it is, that day my kids were ready to head in and did so with Shane’s mom, aka Pooh. So I finished the book without interruption and then had ample time to sit and think about it. Again, the whole theme of the book is about forgiveness. While I watched dolphins splash by, and watched the sun go deeper I started thinking about what I needed to forgive. I thought I had forgiven God for taking Shane away, but when I really think about it, I don’t think I fully have. Then I thought about a conversation I had just had the day before on the beach with a gentleman that shared with me that his wife had a terminal disease and probably had about 2 years to live. He was telling me he completely understood what I had been through and hated to know that he was going to know what it felt like for his spouse to pass. He asked me if I had fought with being mad at Shane during his sickness. This conversation made me ask myself did I and had I forgiven him and myself? So many times I wanted to yell at him to FIGHT!!!! I wanted him not to give up, I wanted him to fight this stinking disease. While I know from the pit of my heart that he did absolutely nothing to be forgiven by me I know I need to purge this and get it out there. I also realize that I need to forgive myself, for beating myself up for thinking I could have done so much more, more time, more patience, more understanding, just more. I had time to sit and think about all the forgiveness that I needed to take care of in my life.
Now, fast forward to my Wednesday morning bible study, what was it on today???? Yep, forgiveness. Just like God to put it right there so He would make sure that I was going to deal with it and not let it just wash out with the waves of the gulf. Our leader hit it home when she answered her own question of, “What do we usually need to forgive?” She answered, “Sometimes don’t we have to forgive what our circumstances are?” She got a loud Amen on that one from me. That was it. I need to forgive God for what I have been handed. We talked about how God forgives us and what makes a person think we are so much better than Him, to think we can’t forgive. We are not even close to who HE is, so why do we think He should forgive us if we can’t forgive others. I almost could hear a loud slap on my hand from my Father. So as I finish this post I ask you, what do you need to forgive? Something small, something huge, something trivial, something that seems almost unforgivable, something you have to dig really hard inside to pull out, or something you just don’t want to let go of?? By not forgiving someone it will steal so much joy that God has promised us. We also talked about how unforgiveness will also drive a huge wedge between you and God. I challenge you to dig it up, purge it, let go of those grudges and hurts and forgive whatever it is. Life is too short!! God forgives us so easily why can’t we be like Him and forgive as easily??? Are you better than HIM?? I can answer that with a big fat NO! I am going now to settle some things of my own.
Before we left I decided to get the book my sister had recommended to read. I decided to read it while I was there because the author is from Orange Beach and the story took place in the area. The book is The Heart Mender by Andy Andrews. I highly recommend this book. It is a true story and has just enough history, suspense to keep you from wanting to put it down. The main reason it kept me captivated was the whole theme of the book…forgiveness. As I got to the end of the book I was on the beach with the kids and of course my kids can detect tears a million miles away now, so Jake asked me if I was crying. Yep, I was and this time it was because of a dang book. As rare as it is, that day my kids were ready to head in and did so with Shane’s mom, aka Pooh. So I finished the book without interruption and then had ample time to sit and think about it. Again, the whole theme of the book is about forgiveness. While I watched dolphins splash by, and watched the sun go deeper I started thinking about what I needed to forgive. I thought I had forgiven God for taking Shane away, but when I really think about it, I don’t think I fully have. Then I thought about a conversation I had just had the day before on the beach with a gentleman that shared with me that his wife had a terminal disease and probably had about 2 years to live. He was telling me he completely understood what I had been through and hated to know that he was going to know what it felt like for his spouse to pass. He asked me if I had fought with being mad at Shane during his sickness. This conversation made me ask myself did I and had I forgiven him and myself? So many times I wanted to yell at him to FIGHT!!!! I wanted him not to give up, I wanted him to fight this stinking disease. While I know from the pit of my heart that he did absolutely nothing to be forgiven by me I know I need to purge this and get it out there. I also realize that I need to forgive myself, for beating myself up for thinking I could have done so much more, more time, more patience, more understanding, just more. I had time to sit and think about all the forgiveness that I needed to take care of in my life.
Now, fast forward to my Wednesday morning bible study, what was it on today???? Yep, forgiveness. Just like God to put it right there so He would make sure that I was going to deal with it and not let it just wash out with the waves of the gulf. Our leader hit it home when she answered her own question of, “What do we usually need to forgive?” She answered, “Sometimes don’t we have to forgive what our circumstances are?” She got a loud Amen on that one from me. That was it. I need to forgive God for what I have been handed. We talked about how God forgives us and what makes a person think we are so much better than Him, to think we can’t forgive. We are not even close to who HE is, so why do we think He should forgive us if we can’t forgive others. I almost could hear a loud slap on my hand from my Father. So as I finish this post I ask you, what do you need to forgive? Something small, something huge, something trivial, something that seems almost unforgivable, something you have to dig really hard inside to pull out, or something you just don’t want to let go of?? By not forgiving someone it will steal so much joy that God has promised us. We also talked about how unforgiveness will also drive a huge wedge between you and God. I challenge you to dig it up, purge it, let go of those grudges and hurts and forgive whatever it is. Life is too short!! God forgives us so easily why can’t we be like Him and forgive as easily??? Are you better than HIM?? I can answer that with a big fat NO! I am going now to settle some things of my own.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
One year ago today!
It's been a bittersweet weekend here. Yesterday at my church we celebrated the Rev. Charles Evans. This man has been in the ministry 70 years.
Can you imagine?
As usual,his sermon was eloquent and insightful and from the heart. He spoke about how we need to take every opportunity to speak about our Savior. He spoke about how many times he has had the chance and didn't do it. I can't ever imagine Preacher Evans not speaking about Christ and His goodness, but I have to remember he is human. It was bittersweet knowing that he is at the age of needing to retire, but I have a feeling he will not retire from spreading the wonderful news of Jesus Christ. Lakeview Baptist gave him the honor of Preacher Emeritus of our church. As he spoke about it being the possibility of it being his last sermon (God forbid) I had a wave of emotion fly over me, remembering 1 year ago on the dot that Shane was behind the exact same pulpit giving what we now know was his last testimony/sermon. I also thought about Shane doing exactly what Preacher Evans said we all should be doing. Then I sat convicted that I am not taking EVERY opportunity to talk about Jesus. Shane admired and respected Preacher Evans in so many ways,he loved to hear him preach and said he could listen to him talk all day long and loved how he always included in his sermons the Lord's prayer. As I was leaving yesterday and gave Mrs. Adele and Preacher Evans a hug, I told him how much Shane admired him and his response was, "Shane was a special man, he was an anointed man of God."
Those words from such a Godly man meant so much to me and I will always be thankful. I'd like to end with the post from Caring Bridge from 1 year ago following Shane's last time behind the pulpit.
Saturday, February 27, 2010 4:18 PM, ESTGot a few minutes and thought I would give you the low down on the YACS meeting and what not. First of all thanks for all the support we have received for starting this support group. River City Bank and Craig Brewster, you are amazing, they are allowing us to meet in their beautiful building, they (or Craig) provided Chick fil A for us. How awesome is that. For our first meeting we had 12 in attendance. I had a wise lady remind me that 12 was a pretty special number. Hadn't even thought about that until she mentioned it. Dr. Dillmon (Shane's doctor) was there, and that meant the world to Shane and I. She has been extremely encouraging, has awesome ideas, and seems to be willing to help anyway she can. She is pretty awesome, and we adore her. Overall, it went pretty well. Basically, I just went over why we decided to start this support group and then Shane facilitated the rest of the meeting. It took a little while for everyone to warm up, but once they did, people were very open and had some great ideas for upcoming meetings. It was awesome spending that time with those that truly understand each other. Everyone was so extremely nice and seemed to enjoy themselves. We are going to attempt to have a Relay for Life team. So be watching out for that. We are in the works on ordering t-shirts, etc. Today we are gearing up for Shane's post cancer diagnosis testimony that he will share tomorrow morning. He is feeling pretty well, he started steroids yesterday to give him a little umph for tomorrow. His flushed cheeks are always a tell tell sign he is taking steroids. He even went in to the office today (tax season) and did a few tax returns, then showed up at Jake's baseball practice. I am a little nervous for Shane, hoping he has strength to get through it, that he won't start coughing as he sometimes does after talking for a while. Sounds like there will be lots of his friends there to support him and that always makes me a little bit nervous also. He seems fine with it, depending on Jesus to get him through it. I try and put myself in his place and wonder what I would want to share if given the chance. There is so much I would want to share that I really don't know where I would start. I do know that I would share how God has taken such great care of us through this. Also, Shane has mentioned Paul before, when he was first diagnosed with cancer. How Paul was torn on being with God in heaven or staying in the flesh and doing what he needed to do here on earth. What I am seeing is Shane, no matter if he has been diagnosed with a life-threatening disease or not, wants to continue to do God's work here on earth. No matter how bad he might feel he still wants to share with others what He has done and is doing in his life. I am not so sure if it was me that I could or would do it. So today, I just want to tell everyone just how much I love Shane and how PROUD I am of him. He is suffering well. How many of us would be willing to suffer the way he is???? Don't get me wrong, he has had his bouts of anger, feeling sorry for himself, etc. but overall, he is doing exactly what God wants us to do when faced with adversity. Just like the song says..."He never promised that the cross would not get heavy, or the hill would not be hard to climb, He never offered a victory without fighting, but He said help would always come in time." Shane seems to be carrying the cross up the hill with courage, and love for God and waiting to see what God is doing. Say a prayer for him that tomorrow he has the strength to speak, that the cough will stay at the door, and the Spirit will surround Shane and everyone that will be present in our church. I'll let you know how it goes as soon as I can.
Can you imagine?
As usual,his sermon was eloquent and insightful and from the heart. He spoke about how we need to take every opportunity to speak about our Savior. He spoke about how many times he has had the chance and didn't do it. I can't ever imagine Preacher Evans not speaking about Christ and His goodness, but I have to remember he is human. It was bittersweet knowing that he is at the age of needing to retire, but I have a feeling he will not retire from spreading the wonderful news of Jesus Christ. Lakeview Baptist gave him the honor of Preacher Emeritus of our church. As he spoke about it being the possibility of it being his last sermon (God forbid) I had a wave of emotion fly over me, remembering 1 year ago on the dot that Shane was behind the exact same pulpit giving what we now know was his last testimony/sermon. I also thought about Shane doing exactly what Preacher Evans said we all should be doing. Then I sat convicted that I am not taking EVERY opportunity to talk about Jesus. Shane admired and respected Preacher Evans in so many ways,he loved to hear him preach and said he could listen to him talk all day long and loved how he always included in his sermons the Lord's prayer. As I was leaving yesterday and gave Mrs. Adele and Preacher Evans a hug, I told him how much Shane admired him and his response was, "Shane was a special man, he was an anointed man of God."
Those words from such a Godly man meant so much to me and I will always be thankful. I'd like to end with the post from Caring Bridge from 1 year ago following Shane's last time behind the pulpit.
Saturday, February 27, 2010 4:18 PM, ESTGot a few minutes and thought I would give you the low down on the YACS meeting and what not. First of all thanks for all the support we have received for starting this support group. River City Bank and Craig Brewster, you are amazing, they are allowing us to meet in their beautiful building, they (or Craig) provided Chick fil A for us. How awesome is that. For our first meeting we had 12 in attendance. I had a wise lady remind me that 12 was a pretty special number. Hadn't even thought about that until she mentioned it. Dr. Dillmon (Shane's doctor) was there, and that meant the world to Shane and I. She has been extremely encouraging, has awesome ideas, and seems to be willing to help anyway she can. She is pretty awesome, and we adore her. Overall, it went pretty well. Basically, I just went over why we decided to start this support group and then Shane facilitated the rest of the meeting. It took a little while for everyone to warm up, but once they did, people were very open and had some great ideas for upcoming meetings. It was awesome spending that time with those that truly understand each other. Everyone was so extremely nice and seemed to enjoy themselves. We are going to attempt to have a Relay for Life team. So be watching out for that. We are in the works on ordering t-shirts, etc. Today we are gearing up for Shane's post cancer diagnosis testimony that he will share tomorrow morning. He is feeling pretty well, he started steroids yesterday to give him a little umph for tomorrow. His flushed cheeks are always a tell tell sign he is taking steroids. He even went in to the office today (tax season) and did a few tax returns, then showed up at Jake's baseball practice. I am a little nervous for Shane, hoping he has strength to get through it, that he won't start coughing as he sometimes does after talking for a while. Sounds like there will be lots of his friends there to support him and that always makes me a little bit nervous also. He seems fine with it, depending on Jesus to get him through it. I try and put myself in his place and wonder what I would want to share if given the chance. There is so much I would want to share that I really don't know where I would start. I do know that I would share how God has taken such great care of us through this. Also, Shane has mentioned Paul before, when he was first diagnosed with cancer. How Paul was torn on being with God in heaven or staying in the flesh and doing what he needed to do here on earth. What I am seeing is Shane, no matter if he has been diagnosed with a life-threatening disease or not, wants to continue to do God's work here on earth. No matter how bad he might feel he still wants to share with others what He has done and is doing in his life. I am not so sure if it was me that I could or would do it. So today, I just want to tell everyone just how much I love Shane and how PROUD I am of him. He is suffering well. How many of us would be willing to suffer the way he is???? Don't get me wrong, he has had his bouts of anger, feeling sorry for himself, etc. but overall, he is doing exactly what God wants us to do when faced with adversity. Just like the song says..."He never promised that the cross would not get heavy, or the hill would not be hard to climb, He never offered a victory without fighting, but He said help would always come in time." Shane seems to be carrying the cross up the hill with courage, and love for God and waiting to see what God is doing. Say a prayer for him that tomorrow he has the strength to speak, that the cough will stay at the door, and the Spirit will surround Shane and everyone that will be present in our church. I'll let you know how it goes as soon as I can.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Guilt, Anger, and Impatience
I was told this morning by an old friend that it was time for me to blog, so here goes. Let me start by saying God always allows those that make me smile to out of the blue call and leave a message on the days I need it most. This week hasn't been good. Can't put my finger on whats going on in these emotions of mine but know that I have that unsettled feeling again. I know lots has to do with the time of year it is, remembering this time last year. Also, baseball has started for both boys and there is a HUGE absence on and off the field. Little things like new cleats and a new bat does not seem right with out the one that knew the game better than most. Standing in Hibbetts yesterday I found myself feeling really sorry for me and my kids, and we were just there buying cleats. As much as I love this weather it is totally bringing back memories of this time last year. I know lots of these feelings I am feeling because it is getting so close to the 1 year anniversary of Shane's passing, and know this is all a normal part of the grieving process. However, I don't like it and I don't have to like it. I shared in my bible study, this morning, how I don't like these feelings I am feeling and how I feel guilty to constantly be asking for people to cover me and my children in prayer. How I feel guilty when I hear other peoples problems and think, 'seriously are they really complaining about that?' I feel impatient right now, impatient on wanting these feelings to get better, impatient on wanting to see what God has in store for me and impatient on really wanting God to be glorified through my life. Impatient on waiting on Jesus return. I am tired of feeling angry, angry that my husband is not here to give me a hug, to sleep beside of me. Angry that I can't talk to him about some really important things. Angry that this emptiness inside of me is not going away. Angry that my kids don't have a daddy to come home after work and cheer them on at their baseball games or tell them what they are doing right and wrong on the field. Angry that I am having to think of somewhere to go so we don't have to be here on the anniversary of his passing. Angry that on Saturday I went to his grave to see his headstone for the first time. Seeing it "in stone" made me even angrier. Angry that my kids get excited to actually be seeing his new headstone. They should be excited about other things. I am angriest that I'm all of these, guilty, impatient and angry. I know this is not of God and that's why it makes me angry. Most days I do have that unexplainable peace and joy but here lately all of these have been sneaking in. I know I probably sound like I am rambling, but I think if those reading have ever experienced great loss or hurt then you can empathize with me. My very good friend/spiritual mentor does know how I feel and continually tells me, "DeAnn, it hasn't even been a year yet, these feelings are so normal." She reminds me to just to be where God has me right now, because that is exactly where He wants me. The sketch that hangs on my wall is a constant reminder of this very statement, its Jesus holding a lamb on his shoulder right up close to his face. I know that is where He has me and I want to be comfortable right there, however long He wants me there. So I will "abide" in His care and ask you (guiltily) to pray for me. My specific prayer is for God, God alone, to feel this emptiness as only He can. I know He can but I just have to let Him. I need to get passed all of these emotions and just let Him hold me close to Him. Which brings me to this song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3GijrnfStk This is what I long for, I am seeking you my Savior, and loving you more by the day, loving you for being my shepherd who loves me. Like a shepherd He will tend his flock, In His arm He will gather the lambs, And carry them in his bosom; He will gently lead the nursing ewes. Isaiah 40:11
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Happiness and where I find it
I am slowly but surely taking steps to try and find some happiness and slowly move forward. I can say this knowing that Shane would want and expect me to do both, for me and for our children. At the same time I so want to stay in this moment of hurt, pain and discontent. Grief is that way, one moment you feel you are ready to move forward and then those feelings of grief roll in and take over and can stop you dead in your tracks. I have to say that finding happiness and moving forward is so much harder than I ever thought. Time is cruel to one in this way. It is hard to “move forward” when time keeps marching on. Time tends to take things away you would prefer to hold onto. For instance, to remember the way Shane smelled I will have to get his cologne, I confess I have even applied his deodorant and used his left over shaving cream just to hold onto his scent. I have a bag of dry cleaning of his that needs to be taken but I can’t because the clothes inside still have his scent. Time is slowly taking these little things away from me. In order to remember exactly how he sounded I will either have to play our greeting on the answering machine or play home videos, when watching these I can hear his laugh, see his smile and remember for just a little longer. I confess, I went to clean out his underwear drawer the other day and once I started I stopped, can’t do it. Not ready to do that right now and don’t know when I will be. I have also noticed that Jake is struggling with moving forward. I am seeing that he continues to “expect” things now. We have had some great things happen with people reaching out to us and taking care of us during this pain, it started before Shane even passed. I, as a grown women, have a hard time swallowing that life moves on for everyone else while our family is just entering the time in which our real misery and pain started. This time last year it was becoming evident of just how sick Shane really was. While we are right in the middle of remembering and recalling EVERY thing from this time last year, other people’s lives rock on, as it should. I am not saying that people have forgotten, but in a 10-year olds mind, it sure seems that way. It’s hard for him to grasp that even though this hurt and pain is ours, it’s not others. Even though we may think that the world owes us something, since part of our world has been taken, it or any one owes us nothing. I try to explain that we were really loved on and taken care of and we should be so very thankful and gracious for that, it won’t last forever and people will forget. I know the Tim Tebow recognition doesn’t help at all, he felt like a rock star for a few days. However, we are no more special than any other family that has lost their husband and daddy. But to us it does feel like we are the only ones. I realize that it’s not fresh on everyone’s mind as it is ours, and that’s ok, but forgive us for it being about the only thing on our minds.
I just went to my first big social outing without Shane. I was reluctant to go at first but some very sweet friends invited me to come along with them. I was a “5th wheel” with these sweet couples and they made me feel extremely comfortable and confident. I knew I had to get this outing behind me and was so glad to have them “holding my hand.” I jokingly stated that I was going to have a hat made that said; “Still sux, kids are good,” knowing that would be the topic of conversation. It was a blast of a night and I got to see so many of Shane’s friends, clients, etc. It was fabulous and I wasn’t treated like I had the plague as I have on occasion since Shane has been gone. I had this eerie fear that as soon as I walked up people would stop talking and laughing thinking well there’s the widow, fun’s over. I know you’re thinking I must think highly of myself, forgive me, I don’t, it’s just you think all sorts of things when you’re on your on for the first time in years. I know Shane would have wanted me out and about and wouldn’t expect me to pine away at home, even though that is sometimes my heart’s desire. As I ponder and worry about being happy, again, God’s timing is perfect. This week, after my outing, I received a letter from one of Shane’s dearest, closest friends. He was sharing his favorite memory of Shane as was asked at Shane’s service. I am still so thankful for each letter/memory for it is something I will cherish and share with the children so they can know just who their daddy was. The letter was stating how many good times they had but he chose a memory that I will forever cherish. He stated how he was visiting at the end when Shane was mostly resting. I was on the bed with him and he said something to me, I asked, “Do you need something babe?” Once he could see me he said, “I love you.” I said, “I know you do.” He repeated it to me, “I love you.” Then he went back to his resting state. He also shared that close to the end he and Shane had a conversation and he realized that Shane knew what may be inevitable. He started talking about me, and said I had been his rock and that he truly knew what it was to be loved. He asked this dear friend to help me find happiness. His friend stated in his letter that he wasn’t even sure what happiness looked like in this world. I often wonder too. One of the things I worry about is that my children may never fully grasp how much their mom and dad REALLY loved each other or how really happy we were. I think maybe this letter will help with that. I will pray that all of my children will find that happiness and love that we shared and never to settle for anything less. I had happiness once and I too, know what it’s really like to be loved. I am extremely thankful for God allowing me to experience love that some will never have. Most days I can find a little happiness, I find it knowing that Shane loved me enough to make sure that I did find happiness, I find it knowing I loved him with ALL my heart, it may be just something crazy the kids have done/said, smelling Shane’s deodorant (crazy I know), a memory, a greeting from a new puppy, knowing my family loves me and my babies and will do anything for us, knowing my oldest sister is being allowed by God’s grace to worship Him in Israel, it may be dozens of rainbows, whatever. On the flip side when I find a little happiness I catch myself and almost feel bad for finding a it and experiencing it. I went to my grief support group and they tell me that it is normal to feel this way. One thing I have realized, the one thing that makes me happiest is…knowing GOD loves me and each of my children and that His timing is perfect. So I will wait on Him and I will take the happiness that only He can provide. I will find happiness in waiting in anxious anticipation for Jesus to come back, because the happiness I find in this life is nothing to compare to the happiness I will find THERE. Can’t wait.
I just went to my first big social outing without Shane. I was reluctant to go at first but some very sweet friends invited me to come along with them. I was a “5th wheel” with these sweet couples and they made me feel extremely comfortable and confident. I knew I had to get this outing behind me and was so glad to have them “holding my hand.” I jokingly stated that I was going to have a hat made that said; “Still sux, kids are good,” knowing that would be the topic of conversation. It was a blast of a night and I got to see so many of Shane’s friends, clients, etc. It was fabulous and I wasn’t treated like I had the plague as I have on occasion since Shane has been gone. I had this eerie fear that as soon as I walked up people would stop talking and laughing thinking well there’s the widow, fun’s over. I know you’re thinking I must think highly of myself, forgive me, I don’t, it’s just you think all sorts of things when you’re on your on for the first time in years. I know Shane would have wanted me out and about and wouldn’t expect me to pine away at home, even though that is sometimes my heart’s desire. As I ponder and worry about being happy, again, God’s timing is perfect. This week, after my outing, I received a letter from one of Shane’s dearest, closest friends. He was sharing his favorite memory of Shane as was asked at Shane’s service. I am still so thankful for each letter/memory for it is something I will cherish and share with the children so they can know just who their daddy was. The letter was stating how many good times they had but he chose a memory that I will forever cherish. He stated how he was visiting at the end when Shane was mostly resting. I was on the bed with him and he said something to me, I asked, “Do you need something babe?” Once he could see me he said, “I love you.” I said, “I know you do.” He repeated it to me, “I love you.” Then he went back to his resting state. He also shared that close to the end he and Shane had a conversation and he realized that Shane knew what may be inevitable. He started talking about me, and said I had been his rock and that he truly knew what it was to be loved. He asked this dear friend to help me find happiness. His friend stated in his letter that he wasn’t even sure what happiness looked like in this world. I often wonder too. One of the things I worry about is that my children may never fully grasp how much their mom and dad REALLY loved each other or how really happy we were. I think maybe this letter will help with that. I will pray that all of my children will find that happiness and love that we shared and never to settle for anything less. I had happiness once and I too, know what it’s really like to be loved. I am extremely thankful for God allowing me to experience love that some will never have. Most days I can find a little happiness, I find it knowing that Shane loved me enough to make sure that I did find happiness, I find it knowing I loved him with ALL my heart, it may be just something crazy the kids have done/said, smelling Shane’s deodorant (crazy I know), a memory, a greeting from a new puppy, knowing my family loves me and my babies and will do anything for us, knowing my oldest sister is being allowed by God’s grace to worship Him in Israel, it may be dozens of rainbows, whatever. On the flip side when I find a little happiness I catch myself and almost feel bad for finding a it and experiencing it. I went to my grief support group and they tell me that it is normal to feel this way. One thing I have realized, the one thing that makes me happiest is…knowing GOD loves me and each of my children and that His timing is perfect. So I will wait on Him and I will take the happiness that only He can provide. I will find happiness in waiting in anxious anticipation for Jesus to come back, because the happiness I find in this life is nothing to compare to the happiness I will find THERE. Can’t wait.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Isaiah 43:18-19
I should really be use to how God works, the way He makes things happen right when they need to happen, or right when His word speaks to me when I need it the most. Even though I should be use to it I never do, I still get excited when He does something. Truthfully, I hope I never get use to it because I love the excitement that comes along with it, it gives me the same feeling when the Holy Spirit is so apparent. I almost can't explain the feeling. Anyway, in my last blog I shared how God gave us the news of Tebow when we all needed it, how he used a perfect stranger to deliver the message. In His mysterious ways we happened to run into her on Shorter Hill while sledding. It was an odd encounter, me and Molly had just slid down and a young girl came tubing down behind us, as I was getting up I told her I was getting too old for this and she replied that she wasn't dressed for sledding, we laughed then she asked me my name. I told her and her mouth flew open. She told me her name and we grabbed each other. I told her in a FB message that I wanted to give her a big hug for delivering such wonderful news. God let us run into each other so I could do just that. Amazing.
Now, to my above referenced verse. I have so desired to be able to spout scripture from my mouth like so many sweet friends and so when I saw Beth Moore's Siesta Scripture Memory time was starting I hopped on board to learn 2 scriptures a month for 1 year. I didn't want my verses just to be a verse I randomly picked, I wanted it to be verses that really meant something to me. Through our journey last year I grew to love the book of Isaiah. This verse popped up just when I was searching for one...Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. I am doing a new thing, watch it spring up. Can you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:18-19 Woohoo, I just typed it from memory! Huge!! If you have never memorized scripture I challenge you to do so. Anyway, this verse is very important to me in the sense that I don't want to dwell on the past, on the things we could have, should have done differently, on the ugliness of cancer, the uncertainty, the heartache. I remember this verse last year about this time when we found out that Shane's cancer may have been a melanoma. I think I actually posted this verse in a Caring Bridge post. I remember thinking this is it. God says he is doing a new thing, I just knew that we were going to get a new diagnosis for better treatment. Well, His "new" thing was not at all what I thought but He did do a new thing. As I look back I do see how He has made a way in the desert and continually supplies fresh water in my wasteland. Through this, Satan continues to make me want to question and doubt things about our journey. So this verse being written on my heart will continue to heal me. I had a conversation the other day that allowed Satan to sneak in and make me start questioning and doubting and wondering, then I remember this verse to not dwell on the past and when I don't remember it I see my spiral in my purse with this verse on it. I tell my kids that when we proclaim Jesus' name or we recite scripture that Satan tucks tail and runs. I have to remind myself that as well. Shane taught me so much about having the Word living inside of you, so I'm so excited to begin this scripture memory. Now, when Satan starts his thing I won't have to run to the bible and search for scripture, I will just spout it out and watch him run. It's time to pick my second verse, wish me luck on memorizing.
Now, to my above referenced verse. I have so desired to be able to spout scripture from my mouth like so many sweet friends and so when I saw Beth Moore's Siesta Scripture Memory time was starting I hopped on board to learn 2 scriptures a month for 1 year. I didn't want my verses just to be a verse I randomly picked, I wanted it to be verses that really meant something to me. Through our journey last year I grew to love the book of Isaiah. This verse popped up just when I was searching for one...Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. I am doing a new thing, watch it spring up. Can you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:18-19 Woohoo, I just typed it from memory! Huge!! If you have never memorized scripture I challenge you to do so. Anyway, this verse is very important to me in the sense that I don't want to dwell on the past, on the things we could have, should have done differently, on the ugliness of cancer, the uncertainty, the heartache. I remember this verse last year about this time when we found out that Shane's cancer may have been a melanoma. I think I actually posted this verse in a Caring Bridge post. I remember thinking this is it. God says he is doing a new thing, I just knew that we were going to get a new diagnosis for better treatment. Well, His "new" thing was not at all what I thought but He did do a new thing. As I look back I do see how He has made a way in the desert and continually supplies fresh water in my wasteland. Through this, Satan continues to make me want to question and doubt things about our journey. So this verse being written on my heart will continue to heal me. I had a conversation the other day that allowed Satan to sneak in and make me start questioning and doubting and wondering, then I remember this verse to not dwell on the past and when I don't remember it I see my spiral in my purse with this verse on it. I tell my kids that when we proclaim Jesus' name or we recite scripture that Satan tucks tail and runs. I have to remind myself that as well. Shane taught me so much about having the Word living inside of you, so I'm so excited to begin this scripture memory. Now, when Satan starts his thing I won't have to run to the bible and search for scripture, I will just spout it out and watch him run. It's time to pick my second verse, wish me luck on memorizing.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
God, Shane & Tebow
I tell you this because all of this was orchestrated by God. The timing was perfect. Tebow gave this speech just 2 weeks after Shane's passing we could have easily gotten word about it then. I also have a curious son that is researching his interest non-stop, how he never came across this speech is a God thing too. However, we didn't need to know it then, we needed to know it 9 months later. God used a sweet angel named Rachel as the deliverer. She assumed that we were already aware of this but said she felt lead to send it anyway. I spoke with her yesterday and I thanked her for doing this, had she not we would have never known. Also, after writing the letter to Mrs. Tebow I wake up to receive this message and just after Jake asked me if I thought Tebow ever listened to dads cd. God's timing is perfect and He sends things when He knows we need it, not when we expect it and not when we think we need it. No coincidences or mistakes with HIM. For me, hearing Tim Tebow mention my son, my husband and my family in front of a packed house just after Shane's death is HUGE to me. To hear a young man, proclaiming that he is successful not because he wins Natl Championships, Heismans, or is an NFL player but becasue he has Jesus Christ as his Savior is just a breath of fresh air. In a world where people let us down everyday my sons have another role model, their first one being their dad and their second being Tim Tebow. I am ok with that because Tim Tebow has the same passion as Shane Richardson...Jesus Christ, and neither were/are ashamed to talk about it. I recieved numerous text and msgs saying Shane's legacy lives on. For that I am thankful.
Tim Tebow, even though you will never know, you have helped put some of the pieces of my 10 year olds broken heart together and hopefully you have inspired my boys to be a light in the world just like you. Continue to do His work, continue proclaiming His Goodness. Go Broncos!!
Dear God, thank you for your perfect timing. Thank you for sweet angels among us delivering news that needed to be delivered. Thank you for constantly helping us heal our hearts and thank you for a young man named Tim that is such a witness for you. Thank you for letting us continue to learn from a servant named Shane, he continues to teach us all what it is to truly love you. Thank you for a school that would allow my children to watch a video of a man proclaiming Your Goodness, and Grace and thank you for those for allowing this to happen. This school continually wraps its arms around our family and I ask special blessings on this school. Thank you for your love dear God. Glory be to You and only You. In Jesus name, Amen.
Dear Shane, I know there are windows in Heaven and that you are aware of things here but yesterday was a very good day. We experienced joy that we haven't experienced in a while. Thanks to our Father that has perfect timing. He is allowing the work that you started here to continue on. He is getting the Glory just as you had wished through all of this. I will do my best to continue to bring Glory to Him through our story. We miss you but know your new work continues There. I thank you for teaching me so much in our time together about God, love and life in general and I will continue teaching the children your values and passions. Thank you for being the BEST role model to my babies. Love you more.
Sorry, I couldn't get this link off!!
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