Happiness and where I find it

I am slowly but surely taking steps to try and find some happiness and slowly move forward. I can say this knowing that Shane would want and expect me to do both, for me and for our children. At the same time I so want to stay in this moment of hurt, pain and discontent. Grief is that way, one moment you feel you are ready to move forward and then those feelings of grief roll in and take over and can stop you dead in your tracks. I have to say that finding happiness and moving forward is so much harder than I ever thought. Time is cruel to one in this way. It is hard to “move forward” when time keeps marching on. Time tends to take things away you would prefer to hold onto. For instance, to remember the way Shane smelled I will have to get his cologne, I confess I have even applied his deodorant and used his left over shaving cream just to hold onto his scent. I have a bag of dry cleaning of his that needs to be taken but I can’t because the clothes inside still have his scent. Time is slowly taking these little things away from me. In order to remember exactly how he sounded I will either have to play our greeting on the answering machine or play home videos, when watching these I can hear his laugh, see his smile and remember for just a little longer. I confess, I went to clean out his underwear drawer the other day and once I started I stopped, can’t do it. Not ready to do that right now and don’t know when I will be. I have also noticed that Jake is struggling with moving forward. I am seeing that he continues to “expect” things now. We have had some great things happen with people reaching out to us and taking care of us during this pain, it started before Shane even passed. I, as a grown women, have a hard time swallowing that life moves on for everyone else while our family is just entering the time in which our real misery and pain started. This time last year it was becoming evident of just how sick Shane really was. While we are right in the middle of remembering and recalling EVERY thing from this time last year, other people’s lives rock on, as it should. I am not saying that people have forgotten, but in a 10-year olds mind, it sure seems that way. It’s hard for him to grasp that even though this hurt and pain is ours, it’s not others. Even though we may think that the world owes us something, since part of our world has been taken, it or any one owes us nothing. I try to explain that we were really loved on and taken care of and we should be so very thankful and gracious for that, it won’t last forever and people will forget. I know the Tim Tebow recognition doesn’t help at all, he felt like a rock star for a few days. However, we are no more special than any other family that has lost their husband and daddy. But to us it does feel like we are the only ones. I realize that it’s not fresh on everyone’s mind as it is ours, and that’s ok, but forgive us for it being about the only thing on our minds.




I just went to my first big social outing without Shane. I was reluctant to go at first but some very sweet friends invited me to come along with them. I was a “5th wheel” with these sweet couples and they made me feel extremely comfortable and confident. I knew I had to get this outing behind me and was so glad to have them “holding my hand.” I jokingly stated that I was going to have a hat made that said; “Still sux, kids are good,” knowing that would be the topic of conversation. It was a blast of a night and I got to see so many of Shane’s friends, clients, etc. It was  fabulous  and I wasn’t treated like I had the plague as I have on occasion since Shane has been gone. I had this eerie fear that as soon as I walked up people would stop talking and laughing thinking well there’s the widow, fun’s over. I know you’re thinking I must think highly of myself, forgive me, I don’t, it’s just you think all sorts of things when you’re on your on for the first time in years. I know Shane would have wanted me out and about and wouldn’t expect me to pine away at home, even though that is sometimes my heart’s desire. As I ponder and worry about being happy, again, God’s timing is perfect. This week, after my outing, I received a letter from one of Shane’s dearest, closest friends. He was sharing his favorite memory of Shane as was asked at Shane’s service. I am still so thankful for each letter/memory for it is something I will cherish and share with the children so they can know just who their daddy was. The letter was stating how many good times they had but he chose a memory that I will forever cherish. He stated how he was visiting at the end when Shane was mostly resting. I was on the bed with him and he said something to me, I asked, “Do you need something babe?” Once he could see me he said, “I love you.” I said, “I know you do.” He repeated it to me, “I love you.” Then he went back to his resting state. He also shared that close to the end he and Shane had a conversation and he realized that Shane knew what may be inevitable. He started talking about me, and said I had been his rock and that he truly knew what it was to be loved. He asked this dear friend to help me find happiness. His friend stated in his letter that he wasn’t even sure what happiness looked like in this world. I often wonder too. One of the things I worry about is that my children may never fully grasp how much their mom and dad REALLY loved each other or how really happy we were. I think maybe this letter will help with that. I will pray that all of my children will find that happiness and love that we shared and never to settle for anything less. I had happiness once and I too, know what it’s really like to be loved. I am extremely thankful for God allowing me to experience love that some will never have. Most days I can find a little happiness, I find it knowing that Shane loved me enough to make sure that I did find happiness, I find it knowing I loved him with ALL my heart, it may be just something crazy the kids have done/said, smelling Shane’s deodorant (crazy I know), a memory, a greeting from a new puppy, knowing my family loves me and my babies and will do anything for us, knowing my oldest sister is being allowed by God’s grace to worship Him in Israel, it may be dozens of rainbows, whatever. On the flip side when I find a little happiness I catch myself and almost feel bad for finding a it and experiencing it.  I went to my grief support group and they tell me that it is normal to feel this way.  One thing I have realized, the one thing that makes me happiest is…knowing GOD loves me and each of my children and that His timing is perfect. So I will wait on Him and I will take the happiness that only He can provide. I will find happiness in waiting in anxious anticipation for Jesus to come back, because the happiness I find in this life is nothing to compare to the happiness I will find THERE. Can’t wait.

Isaiah 43:18-19

I should really be use to how God works, the way He makes things happen right when they need to happen, or right when His word speaks to me when I need it the most.  Even though I should be use to it I never do, I still get excited when He does something.  Truthfully, I hope I never get use to it because I love the excitement that comes along with it, it gives me the same feeling when the Holy Spirit is so apparent.  I almost can't explain the feeling.  Anyway, in my last blog I shared how God gave us the news of Tebow when we all needed it, how he used a perfect stranger to deliver the message.  In His mysterious ways we happened to run into her on Shorter Hill while sledding.  It was an odd encounter, me and Molly had just slid down and a young girl came tubing down behind us, as I was getting up I told her I was getting too old for this and she replied that she wasn't dressed for sledding, we laughed then she asked me my name.  I told her and her mouth flew open.  She told me her name and we grabbed each other.  I told her in a FB message that I wanted to give her a big hug for delivering such wonderful news.  God let us run into each other so I could do just that.   Amazing. 

Now, to my above referenced verse.  I have so desired to be able to spout scripture from my mouth like so many sweet friends and so when I saw Beth Moore's Siesta Scripture Memory time was starting I hopped on board to learn 2 scriptures a month for 1 year.  I didn't want my verses just to be a verse I randomly picked, I wanted it to be verses that really meant something to me.  Through our journey last year I grew to love the book of Isaiah.  This verse popped up just when I was searching for one...Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past.  I am doing a new thing, watch it spring up.  Can you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.  Isaiah 43:18-19   Woohoo, I just typed it from memory!  Huge!!  If you have never memorized scripture I challenge you to do so.  Anyway, this verse is very important to me in the sense that I don't want to dwell on the past, on the things we could have, should have done differently, on the ugliness of cancer, the uncertainty, the heartache.  I remember this verse last year about this time when we found out that Shane's cancer may have been a melanoma. I think I actually posted this verse in a Caring Bridge post.  I remember thinking this is it.  God says he is doing a new thing, I just knew that we were going to get a new diagnosis for better treatment.  Well, His "new" thing was not at all what I thought but He did do a new thing.  As I look back I do see how He has made a way in the desert and continually supplies fresh water in my wasteland.  Through this, Satan continues to make me want to question and doubt things about our journey.  So this verse being written on my heart will continue to heal me.  I had a conversation the other day that allowed Satan to sneak in and make me start questioning and doubting and wondering, then I remember this verse to not dwell on the past and when I don't remember it I see my spiral in my purse with this verse on it.  I tell my kids that when we proclaim Jesus' name or we recite scripture that Satan tucks tail and runs.  I have to remind myself that as well.  Shane taught me so much about having the Word living inside of you, so I'm so excited to begin this scripture memory.  Now, when Satan starts his thing I won't have to run to the bible and search for scripture, I will just spout it out and watch him run.  It's time to pick my second verse, wish me luck on memorizing. 

God, Shane & Tebow

If you are friends with me on Facebook or your associated with Unity Christian School you know part of this story.  To truly see how God's hand is in all of this I must tell you the WHOLE story.  If you read our CaringBridge you know how we surprised Jake and Sam with a trip to Jacksonville FL last March to meet Tim Tebow.  Shane was pretty sick at the time, but he insisted on going stating it may be his last trip with the family.  I will recap a little in case you are not familiar.  We were able to meet Tebow in a private meet & greet due to Shane's sickness.  We were there with several pediatric patients and their families.  Tebow was very generous with his time speaking with each of us.  Shane gave him a cd of the sermon he preached on Feb 28th and told him that this was a sermon from a man possibly dying of cancer and it was based on 1 Cor 13:13 and ironically we found out that is the verse the Tim Tebow Foundation is based on.  Shane also donated a sizable contribution to the foundation.  As we were leaving Robby Tebow came out behind us and told us that Tim wanted Shane's contact info.  Of course, Shane didn't have any business cards so they exchanged cell phone numbers.  I later discovered that Shane had texted him saying that it was a priviledge to meet both of them and that he had been up most of the night praying for them and to continue to do God's work.  Fast forward to the day Shane passed.  Jake picked up Shane's phone an sent Robby a text about Shane's passing.  Days passed, then weeks, then months.  We often wondered if Tebow ever listened to the sermon or if Robby ever received the text from Jake.  I would try to explain to Jake that when your as famous as he that they are probably bombarded with people wanting to get in touch with them etc.  Up to present day, on Thursday night we were watching the ESPN documentary on Tebow.  They showed some of the footage of the autograph signing in Jacksonville that brought back so many memories of that sweet trip.  Jake looked up at me with his Shane Richardson blue eyes and asked, "mom, do you think he ever listened to that cd dad gave him?" I shrugged and said, "Baby, I just don't know."  If you haven't seen the documentary and even if your not a Tebow fan you should watch it.  It shows his determination, his love for Christ, everything that makes him an ok role model for kids.  I went to bed that night with a heavy heart, wondering why we never heard anything back from them concerning the cd or the text.  Although I had tried to reassure Jake I was also trying to reassure myself.  After the kids were asleep I decided to write a letter to Tims mom.  I was going to write it and worry about finding a way to get it to her the next day.  I wrote about our  last year, our trip to meet Tebow.  I thought that maybe from one mother's heart to another she could maybe give us some reassurance. I know it was a long shot but I wanted to do something to help with Jake's question.  I told her that I was just a mom trying to pick up the pieces to a 10 year olds broken heart.  I fell asleep thinking maybe this could allow a little closure for all of us.   Friday morning I got the boys off to school and was checking my messages.  I received a message on FB from a young girl I don't know.  She said she knew about us and our story from the school she teaches at and she had continued to pray for us.  She said she remembered hearing that we met Tebow (she's a huge fan also) and remembered hearing how Shane shared the CD with him.  She said she had a friend that attended Lipscomb University that had sent her a link to a speech of Tebow's she attended.  She said she just watched it and was astonished at hearing our name at the end of his speech.  So I watched the link and oh my word, disbelief, excitement, joy were just some of the emotions I was feeling.  I was crying, laughing all at the same time.  I rushed to get to Unity so that I could share it with Jake and Sam.  Of course I shared it with GG (Shane's best bud) and he couldn't believe it.  He asked Mr. Rix if there was some way we could transfer it to a smart board to share with the class.  Thanks to Mr. Rix we were able to pull it off.  We interrupted the end of Jake's class, had Sam with us and watched the 4th part of Tim Tebow's speech (if you haven't watched all 4 parts you need to, and you need to share it with your kids, awesome) with a class full of 10 & 11 year olds.  At the very end he reads the text that Jake had sent Robby on April 3rd concerning Shane's passing.  Then he says, "This text means more to me than any Natl Championship, or any Heisman Trophy."  Jakes reaction was everything I expected.  To hear your 2nd hero say those words about a simple text he received from you is huge, big for a 10 year old and big for a 10 year olds mom. 

I tell you this because all of this was orchestrated by God.  The timing was perfect.  Tebow gave this speech just 2 weeks after Shane's passing we could have easily gotten word about it then.  I also have a curious son that is researching his interest non-stop, how he never came across this speech is a God thing too. However, we didn't need to know it then, we needed to know it 9 months later.  God used a sweet angel named Rachel as the deliverer.  She assumed that we were already aware of this but said she felt lead to send it anyway.  I spoke with her yesterday and I thanked her for doing this, had she not we would have never known.  Also, after writing the letter to Mrs. Tebow I wake up to receive this message and just after Jake asked me if I thought Tebow ever listened to dads cd.  God's timing is perfect and He sends things when He knows we need it, not when we expect it and not when we think we need it.  No coincidences or mistakes with HIM.  For me, hearing Tim Tebow mention my son, my husband and my family in front of a packed house just after Shane's death is HUGE to me.  To hear a young man, proclaiming that he is successful not because he wins Natl Championships, Heismans, or is an NFL player but becasue he has Jesus Christ as his Savior is just a breath of fresh air.  In a world where people let us down everyday my sons have another role model, their first one being their dad and their second being Tim Tebow.  I am ok with that because Tim Tebow has the same passion as Shane Richardson...Jesus Christ, and neither were/are ashamed to talk about it.  I recieved numerous text and msgs saying Shane's legacy lives on.  For that I am thankful. 

Tim Tebow, even though you will never know, you have helped put some of the pieces of my 10 year olds broken heart together and hopefully you have inspired my boys to be a light in the world just like you.  Continue to do His work, continue proclaiming His Goodness. Go Broncos!!

Dear God, thank you for your perfect timing.  Thank you for sweet angels among us delivering news that needed to be delivered.  Thank you for constantly helping us heal our hearts and thank you for a young man named Tim that is such a witness for you.  Thank you for letting us continue to learn from a servant named Shane, he continues to teach us all what it is to truly love you.  Thank you for a school that would allow my children to watch a video of a man proclaiming Your Goodness, and Grace and thank you for those for allowing this to happen.  This school continually wraps its arms around our family and I ask special blessings on this school.  Thank you for your love dear God.  Glory be to You and only You. In Jesus name, Amen.

Dear Shane, I know there are windows in Heaven and that you are aware of things here but yesterday was a very good day.  We experienced joy that we haven't experienced in a while.  Thanks to our Father that has perfect timing. He is allowing the work that you started here to continue on.  He is getting the Glory just as you had wished through all of this.  I will do my best to continue to bring Glory to Him through our story.  We miss you but know your new work continues There.  I thank you for teaching me so much in our time together about God, love and life in general and I will continue teaching the children your values and passions.  Thank you for being the BEST role model to my babies. Love you more.

Sorry, I couldn't get this link off!!  

So long 2010

I posted on FB the other night that I have always thought that New Years Eve was way overrated.  Even when I was single and young, I would have much rather have been home curled on the couch watching Dick Clark's New Years Rocking Eve.  To this day Dan Fogleberg's (no idea how to spell but you know the one...Met My old lover in the grocery story...) Same Auld Lang Sygne will bring me to tears.  When I was single it was always a little depressing not to have that significant other to ring in the New Year with .  After Shane and I got married we agreed on this just like we agreed on most everything when it came to life and family.  When it was just he and I we would grill out and hug the house, and I had someone to kiss me at 12 and tell each other we loved each other.  After the kids joined our life we never wanted to leave them on this night, they always joined us, we kissed each other then kissed our babies.  We enjoyed our babies company and they would join us for any New Years get together to ring it in with us. 
New Years has always been a little depressing for me.  I think it may have something to do with the holiday season coming to an end.  Regrets of things past, uncertainty of things to come.  Last year was no different, my sweet friend Whitney provided dinner for us along with New Year hats, horns the whole works.  I remember taking pictures of us all with Shane and I with our hats on and the kids enjoying each other.  I also remember wondering what this new year would hold for us.  I never dreamed it would be a year that would forever be etched in my heart and soul.  I went into the new year knowing Shane would be healed of cancer and he would have a wonderful testimony to share.  How different things turned out.  I can't say we made it till 12, but I do remember kissing Shane and telling him I loved him.  If I only could turn back time for this night again, to have Shane to kiss, tell him I love him, and look forward to a new year with him.  But as our story goes, that's not the case.  So my New Years depression is understandable this year where as in years past it wasn't.  I have to say 2010 was not my favorite year, so I can say I am ready to bid it farewell. 2010 will always be remembered and marked as the year Shane passed.  I will always treasure 2010 because it will always be etched in my heart as the last time I held, kissed,  and spoke with Shane.  2010  will be marked for me as the year I experienced the love of God like never before, the presence of His Spirit and the love of so many like never before.  So saying goodbye to 2010 is bittersweet for me.  I have to say it has been a year of significant spiritual growth that I will be forever thankful for.  At the same time, I look forward to a new year, one with new hope, faith, and promises from my Saviour.  I don't make resolutions but I have set a goal, that is-to continue to grow spiritually.  I want to surrender my all to Him, I want to continue to experience Him and His presence, I want bathe myself in His word.  I am setting a goal to start memorizing 2 verses a month (big stuff since I don't memorize anything but PIN numbers, etc.)  I want God's word to effortlessly spew from my lips, I want it to be in my heart, in my very core.  You see, I had a great mentor to show me what having the Word living inside of you could truly do in your life.  Shane, taught me so much about having His word dwelling inside of you.  Seeing it in action is quite contagious, so I want to experience it as he did.  With all of this being said, I get a little excited about a NEW year, unlike past years.  Excited to see God's continued blessings in my life, my children's life.  He has promised new things...so bring it on 2011 (please let it be better than 2010.)
"This is what the Lord says, ‘Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43: 16,18,19  Happy New Year to you and yours, may 2011 be full of many many blessings. As for me, I will try earnestly to not dwell on the past and look for His new things, knowing He will continue to make a way for me. 

CHRISTmas

Well, its CHRISTmas Eve and here I am.  Dreaded this moment for months but you know what?  It's not too bad. This is Shane and my most favorite time of the year so it is hard but it has been good. I say that because today the only way I can explain how I am feeling is "peace."  The kind of peace that only my Heavenly Father could give to me and my children.  Don't get me wrong, there is an absence that's unexplainable too, but my heart feels joy.  I have had several fellow widows say that the first year without your spouse at CHRISTmas is hard but the second one is even harder.  So this year I will enjoy this peace that He is providing for me and take comfort in that, I will worry about next year, next year.  I just visited my aunt, the wife to my only uncle that suddenly passed last week.  She was surrounded by children and grand-children and there seemed to be that same "peace" present there also.  I chose to fill my house last night with family, on being asked why? (since I am known not to be the entertainer) my reply was I wanted to fill my house with joy instead of sadness.  There was laughter, running, giggling and of course eating.  I have said often that if it wasn't for the children I would have left town.  OHHHH how happy I didn't do just that, because you see, my family has been so vital in this healing.  This year we are making a new normal for me and the kids and the rest of the family.  Our new normal is an empty seat at the dinner table, name tags with a missing name, and things to be done that parents do as a team to be done by me alone.  Its a normal that I don't think I will ever like or get use to, but I have that same presence that was present on the night Shane left.  Oh how thankful I am for the presence of my Jesus.  I've praised Him today because I know this will be Shane's best Christmas ever, it may be a silent night here, but I guarantee its not silent where Shane is.  There is rejoicing, and more rejoicing and continued praises of Hallelujah.  My soul will be rejoicing tonight too, that the man I love is getting to experience that and that I get to rejoice here on earth for a Saviour.  A God that sent Himself to earth to save us.  Oh how he loves you and me.  I will rejoice in the fact of my continued blessings in Jake, Sam and Molly and so many others.  I will rejoice in knowing this is all temporary here.  I will rejoice that my Saviour that laid in a simple manger, lived a simple life is the King of Kings, Lord of Lords.  Just because Shane is not here doesn't mean its not Jesus' birthday, so I will choose to celebrate no matter how hard it may be without him. So Happy Birthday Jesus, Merry Christmas Shane (celebrate for the rest of us) and Merry Christmas to you all, may you all feel the presence of His Holiness and experience Him in every way this CHRISTmas. 

Happy Birthday Shane!

This time last year we were hopefully and fearfully celebrating Shane's 38th Birthday.  This year we will be celebrating with hope, tremendous love, comfort, joy and deep deep sadness.  Today would be Shane's 39th birthday.  We are celebrating with hope because we have hope in Jesus Christ and we have a promise to be with Shane again in eternity.  We celebrate loving Shane more today than we did yesterday and less than we will tomorrow and knowing how much he deeply loved each one of us.  We celebrate with comfort because God continually comforts our family through memories, rainbows, people and stories and his legacy.  We celebrate with the joy of knowing that Shane is celebrating in a new way with his Father in Heaven and the joy that he brought to us here on earth.  And we celebrate with deep deep sadness for the fact that he is not here in body, that we can't eat out with him as our family tradition, that we can't have Hot Molten Lava Cake with him and that November 21st will never ever be the same without him.  We have sadness that we won't be waking up with him and planning a day of activities.  However, this day will not go unnoticed.  We will be celebrating his life today.  We will celebrate by praising Jesus at church (cause Shane would have it no other way), we will celebrate with lunch with family, then we will plant a dwarf lacey leaf maple in a strategic area in our yard so that when we pull into the drive our attention will be on the tree planted in memory of him, instead of our attention being on the red truck that is parked more than moved.  Then we will travel to an out of town church to hear one of Shane's favorite preachers and my favorite Christian singer.  All in memory and honor of Shane and the life he lived here.  I recently spoke to an assembly and I told the crowd that while I would love to be miserable and wallow in self-pity I choose to be joyful.  Not only for the fact that I will be with Shane again in a place without grief, pain, death or sorrow, but also because I know that Shane would want me to choose joy.  He would want me to celebrate his life here with gladness and not sorrow. Shane's mom was here the other day and we were talking about his upcoming birthday, the holidays and she shared with me again about the day he was born.  She had him on a Sunday, the Sunday before Thanksgiving, and went home on that Monday and it was snowing. Some how I know God had that planned out, just like he had Shane's days planned here.
   So today while I reflect on his birthday's past I would like to also reflect on his new life.  Jake and I were talking about how old we think Shane is in heaven and Jake said he thinks 17, I prefer to think of him at about 30.  One of those things we will not know until we are there, but for now I choose to think of him as 30 and full of life as he was at that age here.  I prefer to replace that thought instead of the memories of last year and what we were dealing with.  I was reading my journal from that time and had written my thoughts and  how we celebrated last year..."Shane's spirits were great today, a new sense of hope, I wrote that he was so unselfish that, again, today he said that this is not about me but about Him. I journaled how I wanted to be just like him so unselfish.  Then I wrote a prayer...Lord, I ask you to let me spend Shane's next 38+ years with him.  He just has so much more to do here on earth before he goes home.[Thinking God thought he would finish what he was suppose to in the next 5 months] Amen." We celebrated with dinner picked up at Longhorn's, and a candle in a fried apple pie.  I have a picture of him blowing out the candle making a wish.  I could almost bet you that the wish he wished while blowing out that candle had absolutely nothing to do with him, because he was like that.
 His gift last year was a call from the doctors telling him he had a confirmed malignancy, but this year his gift is a place in the Kingdom of the Most High.   I know that is the gift that Shane so desired, knowing he would never exchange or take a refund if given the chance.

Happy Birthday Shannon! We miss you like crazy!!

We love you!!  Deede Bo, Jakey, Sammy Fly Shookem and Lil Curl

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Let me see that TIGER WALK!!